no marraige

[secretgirl]

2 years ago I met the live of my life. He was separated with 2 kids and I adored him from the outset as he did me. He wax separated 4 Years and was honest from the outset that he never wanted to marry again. Ever.

I however being a woman and naively in love brlieved I could and would change his mind. Didn't really take what he Saud seriously. Thought 'well if he lives me he'll do it'. He will want me to be his wife. To be his other half. To take his name.
Following a conversation recently I realise how completely thick and stupid I have been. He never wants to divorce his ex wife and he never ever wants to marry me. Ever.
I am devistated. Though he always Said it. I dont doubt his commitment or live for me. I know it's very strong. But I stupidly gave up every thing for him. I'm ages away from my family and friends etc. I can't for the life of me understand why he doesn't want to make me his wife. I just can't.

But do I give up someone I love and adore because he won't put a ring on my finger?? Do i give up my other half and hope for something more?
Someone help. Has any one been on this situation?
Thdnk you.

How will being married affect your day to day life, your affection for each other, whether you respect each other, are kind to each other?

Will it all be better if you get married?

Sorry for the spelling errors. Hope ye can make it out x

Haven't been in your situation, but a dear friend hasn't divorced her ex after 17 years; it has suited them both (and they have no contact). It really depends on how important marriage is to you; it is possible to get most of the legal protections of marriage via wills etc, you can take his name whether married or not.

But it sounds as if the institution of marriage is very important to you, and if he's not willing to give you that, (although you have "given up everything; bit of a Red Flag there tbh) perhaps you need to end it and seek love elsewhere.

Give him his due, he's not lying to you or leading you on. He's clear in his message; not interested in remarrying.

The fact that he is still married to his ex would bother me.

He never wants to divorce his ex wife and he never ever wants to marry me. Ever.

They are each others safety blanket. Whilst still married neither of them has to get involved fully with another person. Legally, she will still be his next or kin, and probably inherit. Don't get financially embroiled with this man, don't have children with him. Get some self respect, he's married, leave and find someone who respects you.

Nothing you can do. He did tell you. It was you who chose to ignore it so he hasn't really done anything wrong has he? A friend of mine is still married to his ex but has lived with and has a child with his current partner and they have been together for 12 years.

If it bothers you that much then leave.

Give yourself a time in your head, for some sort of movement in your relationship ie; 6 months as a marker. If the hasn't made moves to divorce his exw, or popped the question, I'd move on. you'll only resent him for it. Bitterness is soul destroying.

I think the main issue isn't marriage as such, it's other forms of commitment. Do you live together? Are you going to have children together? Is he involved in your life, your friends, your family?

If he was demonstrating that he wanted to be a "husband" in every way other than the legal documentation, then I wouldn't personally end the relationship. But if he's detached in other ways then that would be different.

In your circumstances, I'd make sure I worked, was financially independent, and was joint owner in any house we'd bought.

…and I'd consider leaving if he didn't divorce his ex wife.

He was honest with you about that from the start OP, which is a lot more than others are in the same situation.

The advice here is exactly the same as the advice for someone who's shacked up with a non-committal bloke and wants marriage etc.
What do you want? If what you want is marriage, commitment, babies etc, you're not going to get it here, which you've already been told, and you just need to move on.

Harsh but true.

Marriage doesn't have to be the be all and end all. There are other ways of making a commitment to each other and feeling as if you are in a partnership - owning a house, having children, sharing finances etc. As jolly puts it, being a husband in every way bar the actual legal documentation - which, if you are financially secure yourself, isn't an absolute necessity.

The lac of divorcing his wife would trouble me, though, unless you can see very valid reasons for it (as in DP's dad didn't divorce his mum until the kids were over 18 and it was easier, mainly because he was happy to still support her)

Why won't he divorce his first wife?

As for not wanting to marry again, I can understand that. If anything happened to me and my DH I wouldn't marry again either. However, if marriage is something that is very important to you I think you have a make a choice - stay with this man you love, or break up with him and give yourself the chance of meeting someone else who will marry you.

You only met two years ago, how long have you been together? How old are you both?

I wouldnt be fussed about marriage - I never ever felt like I needed to be married, however I wouldnt continue a relarionship with someone who refused to divorce his wife.

He has been clear all along that he will never marry you.

Thinking you'll change someone's mind is a doomed plan, as you have found out the hard way.

It's your decision now. If marriage is what you want, and for many it is, you have to accept that it is not going to happen with this man. If that is still a deal breaker for you, then it is time to end it and seek the future you do want.