family issues.

[lulalullabye]

I need some advice. I am 42 years old, don't live in the UK. I have always been very independent, left home at 17. I now have two dd's and am married. I have a brother and sister. Didn't have a great relationship with my sister when I was younger, she got pregnant at 17, I carried on with my life. big age gap with brother so never been close.

Over the last 6 years the relationship with my family has deteriorated. my parents have been to visit us a couple of times and both times not good. my sister came out last year with her kids, she got very sick and ended up staying for 6 weeks instead of 2. it was all very traumatic and I didn't deal with it very well.

So fast forward to now. I have suddenly realised that life is way too short and precious to have a familly and not cherish them and put some effort in.
I have appologised for the way I have behaved and that has been accepted. I think there has been a lot of issues on both sides and I guess what I need to know is how to let them go.

We are going back for a visit in June and I need to find a way of dealing with this before I go and while I am there.
Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

Do you feel you can't do anything right as far as your family is concerned Lula?

What sort of advice do you want?

Why did you feel that you had to apologise for your behaviour? What was bad about it?

Was anyone else's behaviour to you bad? Did they apologise for it?

I am selfish at times and can appear stubborn, normally because I am so independent that I like to do things my way. I guess the difficulty for me is knowing if the issues have arisen because of the way that I have been. When my sister was here she came with her three kids. oldest dd 26, next dd's 6 and 8. no husband. she got very sick and ended up in hospital the majority of that time. I worked four days a week at the time in a new job with no a/l left. so I was looking after my two kids and her 2 kids and working plus going to visit for a couple hours every day and feeding every body. I was exhausted but nothing compared to how she felt. My mum has said that I didnt seem convinced that my sister was so ill, which is not true.
Anyhow I know that when things get hard I withdraw and I get bad tempered. I just want to clear the air and make amends and know that its not me and them anymore. its so hard to explain.
I need someone to tell me if I am being selfish and ridiculous ie when she was sick should I have just sucked it up and got on with it? I am open to any suggestions, I just need to get my head round it!

But you did just that, you got on with it, didn't you? Visited you sister, looked after and fed everyone, started a new job. I just don't see what is selfish about this or what more you could have done? perhaps you were tired and under pressure and it showed? So? Nobody is perfect.

It did show you are right. I Di find it hard to hide when I am pissed off. I think my biggest issue with all this was that a no point did anyone ask how i felt. am I selfish in thinking that?

You got on with with a difficult set of circumstances; this is not selfish. Of the people concerned with the situation, someone could have shown some concern for you too.

That would have been nice.

I think anyone would struggle to be sweetness and light in that situation, for you or your sister.

your mum wasn't there so the 'headline news' for her was 'my daughter is in a foreign land ill and in hospital for weeks'. It's a shame that she didn't manage some empathy for your situation too.

Thank you. It helps to know that it's not just me that thinks that way. I know that I can be arsey too. I think I just need to go with the flow when we get there in June.

A difficult situation. My advice for the June visit would be to take nice presents, buy some groceries/wine while you are there and be chatty and cheerful. Don't dwell on the past (or keep apologising) but make some new happier memories with your family.

It sounds like they want to move on too so it will probably all be absolutely fine (if a little strange at first).

I think that's a very good idea. I do just need to swallow some stuff and deal with it and not obsessing over wanting them to apologise too as I think that may not happen.

I hope all goes well.