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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

stupid fcuk if a brother is on tinder

21 replies

dubdurbs · 05/04/2014 21:05

Like the title says, I've just found out my happily married, father of two young kiddies is using Tinder. Stumbled across it while looking through Google+ and saw he had commented on a few apps, mostly games, but Tinder is one of them. I'm lived, and devastated, and disgusted, and I have no idea what to do. I showed my OH and he thinks its no big deal, that it was probably just for fun, and I should leave DB to his own devices. I know men and women see things from different perspectives but Jesus Christ, its a hookup app!!! What do I say to SIL? It's not like she's my best friend, I wouldn't seek her company, but she's family, I can't face her knowing this.

Stupid stupid arsehole idiot sickness brother :(

OP posts:

Original poster

dubdurbs · 05/04/2014 21:06

And stupid arsehole of a phone, predictive text my foot!

OP posts:

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2014 21:06

What's tinder??

PlumpPartridge · 05/04/2014 21:09

I think it's a site used for arranging casual shags.

What a horrible thing to find, op. Are you going to contact your brother about it?

NCRegular · 05/04/2014 21:12

Will his wife or anyone else find out that way too?

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 05/04/2014 21:15

I'd have it out him myself.

Chloerose75 · 05/04/2014 21:17

It really might be nothing. I downloaded tinder to have a look at it with some friends as it was "topical" at the time , e.g. saw various articles about people using it at the oscars, Winter Olympics etc to see the celebs and athletes in the vicinity and a colleague had been on about it, but I have never actually "used" it for anything, as in never even chatted to anyone let alone met or "arranged a shag" - it honestly is quite a mainstream app and does not mean he has been shagging about. True he might be though!

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 05/04/2014 21:18

Why did he comment on it where everyone can see? Just ask him there could be a innocent explanation. I've used it on a friends phone to play a sort of game where you decide if people are hot or not. It's totally degrading but fun. Maybe it's something like that.

Original poster

dubdurbs · 05/04/2014 21:24

I don't know whether I should, I'm so angry and disgusted at him right now that I know I'd just start WW3, I'm livid. It wouldn't be a big deal if he was single, but he's been married for years now to his school sweetheart, two beautiful kids, they have a great relationship. Why on earth is he looking for a seedy shag elsewhere?

Chloerose, he's left feedback for the developers on their Google+, he's obviously been using it. I can only imagine that if he downloaded it just out of curiosity he wouldn't go to the trouble of letting them know what he liked and disliked about it.

Ugh

OP posts:

HowContraryMary · 06/04/2014 09:10

Its not really any of your business though is it? Other peoples relationships are not anyone elses business at all.

FWIW We look at shit like this at work at lunch time. Actually we look at lots of crap incl POF and Zoosk. And piss take. Rather like the dating thread on here.

NMFP · 06/04/2014 09:25

Hmm. It depends on your relationship with your brother.

If you are not that close, it might not do him any harm to be alerted that you have seen it. (You could make a joke about it), and then at least you know he knows and he might rethink if he was dipping his toe (or more).

Alternatively, if you are close you might ask him if everything is ok, and mention that you have seen this and were worried.

As others have said, it might just be larking about but he might need reminding that he has a wife who would be very hurt if she came across it like you have.

NMFP · 06/04/2014 09:26

Also disagree that its none of the OP's business. Its not her next door neighbour or a colleague - her brother and she has neices/nephews to think about.

Latara · 06/04/2014 09:50

Tinder is also for dating. For example I arranged to meet one guy for a date off Tinder, am texting another guy.

Your brother may just be looking, he may just be curious, he may be after a quick shag or he could be after an affair and proper relationship.

angelohsodelight · 06/04/2014 10:39

Arrange to meet him .... Say you're in area on business, got a hotel booked, will meet him in reception, no strings, see if he turns up. Then give him hell.

HowContraryMary · 06/04/2014 10:47

It is nose poking in other peoples business. The OP is not the keeper of her brothers sex life nor her niece and nephews happiness. The brother is master of his own destiny and consequences accordingly.

However, everyone as usual had scrolled past the sensible alternative post up the thread.

It's not a shagging app, per se, but of course wind the OP up a little bit more, and set her off in her brothers direction and see if she can irrevocably damage their relationship. quite possibly forever.

Chloerose75 Sat 05-Apr-14 21:17:56

It really might be nothing. I downloaded tinder to have a look at it with some friends as it was "topical" at the time , e.g. saw various articles about people using it at the oscars, Winter Olympics etc to see the celebs and athletes in the vicinity and a colleague had been on about it, but I have never actually "used" it for anything, as in never even chatted to anyone let alone met or "arranged a shag" - it honestly is quite a mainstream app and does not mean he has been shagging about. True he might be though!

Original poster

dubdurbs · 06/04/2014 12:48

I don't see how that's a sensible "alternative" Howcontrary? It's for dating/shagging other people. Both of which are in direct opposition to a dedicated marriage. His wife would be absolutely devastated to know, and she will find out, probably the same way I did, by stumbling across it. And I disagree with keeping my nose out of it, this is my family, I'm not going to idly sit by and watch it unfold. I have morals and allowing someone self destruct when I could have stepped in to help goes against the grain. For what it's worth, when he found out about my ex cheating in me(in similar circumstances), DB went ballistic and wanted to drive over and hour to give ex a talking to.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 06/04/2014 13:01

Arrange to meet him .... Say you're in area on business, got a hotel booked, will meet him in reception, no strings, see if he turns up. Then give him hell.

Yeah, do this.

Fairenuff · 06/04/2014 13:02

Seriously, just say to him "Are you going to tell your wife or shall I?"

HowContraryMary · 06/04/2014 13:32

Way to go - how to blow your extended family apart in one easy move. Just tell your SIL that her DH, your DB is cheating. All this and more without knowing any facts.

You may choose to talk to your DB, but talking to his wife is a step too far. For all you know she may know but is denying it to her self. Most wives to know and are complicit in adultery but turn a blind eye. When confronted it rocks the boat and destroys the relationship., she will have to deal with it. But YOU will be the messenger, the one who gets shot in the cross fire. SIL will hate you for making her face up to it; DB will hate you for taking his children away; your parents will think you are a god almighty nose poke shit stirrer and quite possibly be bloody angry when SIL becomes the DIL from hell and denies everyone access. Then your nieces and nephews will have their world destroyed.

Or they might work it through, but they will all still hate you though, you become untrustworthy, the one who hurts SIL the one who told tales on DB.

Go on, risk it. Or let them sort out their own relationship dynamics.

Original poster

dubdurbs · 06/04/2014 16:50

Where did I say that I would tell my SIL? I said she would most probably find out the same way I did, by stumbling across it. You've just pulled a massive assumption out of your arse. I have to say, you're living up to your name Contrary.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/04/2014 16:53

OP, I would have a word with your brother. Tell him that if you easily found it, then so could anyone else.

AnyFucker · 06/04/2014 16:54

Mary you seem very angry for some reason. You seem to react like that when men are taken to task for their behaviour. How odd.

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