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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HUGE Moral Dilemma - Help PLEASE

27 replies

domestickler · 20/08/2006 18:40

Ok......I'll try and keep this to the point.

Friend A (very best friend from childhood, dont see each other that often (few times a month) but speak daily on phone/email. Have this bond from being friends from very young.

Friend B (best friend at the moment in terms of see her most days, spend a lot of time together, im bridesmaid at her wedding have known her almost as long as A but not quite. Have only been very close for last 3 years or so.

Friend A and B are friends in their own rights but the link is through me and they arent particularly close though very keen on each other and get on well.

Friend A has just split up with boyfriend of 13 years 3 weeks ago after a troublesome patch escalated and became unmanageable (he gambles, takes drugs, generally pretty crap, tho didnt used to be). Friend A has wondered and is almost convinced that he now has someone else. We have always had a pact that that is one thing we would always tell each other no matter what.

You can see whats coming right?

Friend B told me on Wednesday that she has heard from someone (wouldnt say who) that yes he does have someone else, he met through work and it has been going on quite some time and isnt the first time he has been unfaithful. She also made me promise I wouldnt tell Friend A as it would get her into a lot of trouble with both the person that told her and her own boyfriend.

What the F*CK do I do?

Whatever I do Im betraying a best friend and Im feeling really guilty and anxious all of the time.

If friend A EVER found out I knew, she would be devastated. She has completely leant on me through the break up and also when she lost her mum (at 21) 3 years ago. We would fall out.

If friend B found out I told she would be very angry with me, we would fall out. It would cause a lot of trouble generally within our social group.

HELP please

I keep swinging from NEEDING to tell Friend A then deciding better of it.

OP posts:
tortoise · 20/08/2006 18:44

Hi Dome.I think as you made a pact that you would tell each other no matter what you should tell her.

Original poster
domestickler · 20/08/2006 18:46

hmmmmmmmm. Yes, I know F*CK this is doing my head in

I had been ok about it until today when I saw her and could barely look at her because we were going over the whole do you think he is? well who would it be and WELL I WOULD KNOW IF HE WAS, SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME

I was even getting paranoid that she was being a bit funny with me

OP posts:
nicnack2 · 20/08/2006 18:46

could you engineer a situation that Friend A saw ex with new partner in pub or something, outside his work. i knew its crap but might save you or just remain friend b of the pact. horrible situation HTh

nicnack2 · 20/08/2006 18:47

remind

Original poster
domestickler · 20/08/2006 18:49

Im a little annoyed with Friend B for putting me in this position. I wish she didnt tell me. What use is it if I cant tell friend A. It then becomes just gossip and I feel very uncomfortable about that.

I had decided to engineer a way to let friend A know, I suggested following him from work but he seems to be being very careful and doubt he is out in pubs with her much jsut yet.

I also considered sending an anonymous text to friend A from a new simcard used only once to say "He has someone else, from work, just to warn you"

OP posts:
CarolinaMoon · 20/08/2006 18:49

how would B get into trouble with her boyfriend? Is he the source of the news??

Can you tell A's boyfriend that it's time for him to fess up, so it's coming from him not you, or will that get B in as much trouble?

WideWebWitch · 20/08/2006 18:49

Don't say a word, you will be the messenger and be shot. But put BIG pressure on friend B to TELL friend A what she knows, explain it's putting you under pressure. Make her do it soon. Although if friend A has already split with bastard bloke so what really, I don't see that it makes a huge amount of difference.

mazzystar · 20/08/2006 18:50

Do you know for certain that it is true? Or is it just gossip?

If you're sure it is true, I think I would speak to friend B ( who must have known that it would be very difficult for you to keep quiet about it) and say you are sorry but feel that you are obliged to let her know that there is a rumour going around that he is seeing someone else.

Can you do so without disclosing your sources - and getting friend B into trouble -as it were? I would forget about all the stuff in the past.

WideWebWitch · 20/08/2006 18:51

And actually if friend A has split from bloke then it's not really any of her business is it? I don't see this is such a huge deal, he sounds horrible btw but I don't think any of it is your problem.

nicnack2 · 20/08/2006 18:53

u could just say that you have seen ex out with new gf

ilovecaboose · 20/08/2006 18:54

This is how I'd see it. Friend B has heard something from someone else, who may have heard it from someone else themselves. Therefore what you have heard may be rumour/hearsay. If the guy is likely to do this this increases yours and other peoples chances of drawing conclusions/believing it.

WOuld you upset Friend A on the basis of a rumour? The knowledge that her (ex)boyfriend has possibly cheated on her more than once would be hard to hear. When unproven is it something she needs to hear? If it was a case of I saw x with someone else 3 when they were still together, that would be slightly different.

This is the conclusion I would come. But bear in mind I don't know the people you are talking about. Hope you come to a desicion you are happy with.

Original poster
domestickler · 20/08/2006 18:55

Its all very well saying that WWW but yes, I would say it was her business. They have been together for 13 years. Until pretty recently (well...a year) she was very, very happy and loved him very much. I think its her business to know that he has never really been faithful to her.

Oooohhhhhhh I just dont know.

I THINK its true as everything points to that being the case, friend A already is very suspicious as he hasnt slept at home (lives with mother) for most of the three weeks they have been apart, he had started not coming home when they were together, cagey about his mobile, gone off sex etc etc

Friend Bs boyfriend would go mad as Friend As ex is a friend of his. The whole circle they mix in is a bit f*cked up, underground and dodgy IYSWIM at all.

btw realise this paints weird picture of me and my friends but we are not like that

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 20/08/2006 18:56

Oh I know she may be still in love with him blah blah but it's still technically not her business and it could all be a rumour anyway, as someone else said.

Oh well, it's up to you, obviously.

Original poster
domestickler · 20/08/2006 18:58

sorry did i sound tetch with my its all very well....didnt mean to

Do you really think not her business?

if you split up with h would you think it wasnt your business that he had always been unfaithful? not knocking it just think wow!

OP posts:
mumandlovingit · 20/08/2006 18:59

my ex left me two weeks ago and got together with someone else the same day! hes now finished with her but in general ive always felt that you need to know the truth even if that truth hurts.its better to know the truth than to believe a lie.

7up · 20/08/2006 19:00

ive beenput in this position twice. the first time i kep it to myself and felt very guilty every time i saw my friend, when she found out i knew her partner was having an affair she was livid that i hadnttold her and never trusted me again.

the second time i found out through gossips that another friends hubby was playing away, itold her and she thanked me and said she'd seen it coming

mumandlovingit · 20/08/2006 19:00

if shes a friend then she will understand how awkward it was for you to tell her and then she could dop a bit of investigating herself to get the proof.shell be more angry if she finds out that you knew and that would ruin your friendship more

WideWebWitch · 20/08/2006 19:01

Well, no, I would be an irrational angry blubbering wreck, of course. But really, I guess I think you have to let her unravel his behaviour and be there to listen but try not to make matters any worse. Which, imo, you could be doing if you pass this gossip (unsubstantiated, isn't it?) on. Ok, he's a shit and I'm NOT defending him but you don't knw and person B has put you in an awkward situation, she shoudl either have told person A or shut tf up imo!

Original poster
domestickler · 20/08/2006 19:02

if it was anyone other than friend B that told me I wouldnt hesitate in telling her

OP posts:
wartywarthog · 20/08/2006 19:02

you have made a pact with friend a to tell her and you have to honour that.

friend b told you something, you didn't know it was coming, and then added conditions once it was too late. you can't do that! she can't take it back now, and her 'agreement' is not acceptable. had she told you initially that she's got some info but you mustn't say, and you agreed and listened, then that's another story. friend b shouldn't have put you in that position.

but i think you have to tell friend a.

Original poster
domestickler · 20/08/2006 19:03

yes totally agree that friend B shouldnt have said anything to me.

I wish I didnt know, I dont think necessarily that she needs to know but the fact I do know and purposefully not tellin gher while listening and soothing her what ifs feels all wrong.

argh

im tempted to get her up here and give her an edited version but first getting her to promise not to bring in how she knows, but thats not gonna happen is it.

OP posts:
Original poster
domestickler · 20/08/2006 19:04

i think friend b said if i tell you this will you promise not to say. and of course i said yes. Who wouldnt

Wish I had said no.

It was on the tip of my tongue to say if I cant tell dont tell me but I couldnt resist finding out if it was actually true about the bastard.

OP posts:
TheBlonde · 20/08/2006 19:25

Friend A has split from this guy right?
Therefore the if your OH was cheating pact doesn't apply as they are not together anymore
You've only heard a rumour anyway

I don't see how Friend A is going to feel any better with you telling her this

Edmond · 21/08/2006 15:58

I think you want to tell friend A, so tell her, just lie that it came from friend B and hopefully friend B wont find out....

sleepfinder · 21/08/2006 16:04

I was in the position of being told something like this. I heard more than I wanted to hear and felt I could never trust the teller of the news again. It may be that she enjoyed telling me, and I sensed that, who knows? - but I felt that she, as well as the original he, had stuck the knife in. While losing a man I'd loved for 7 yrs was hard enough, so ultimately was losing the trust of someone I'd considered a friend. She and I no longer have any contact.

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