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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No contact with abusive parent but they have tried to contact my child through ILs

43 replies

buffythebarbieslayer · 05/04/2014 18:50

I cut contact with abusive parents a while ago. Have been healing and been much healthier emotionally.

Out of the blue, one parent has tried to send one of my dc birthday money via my ILs.

I think this is very manipulative as although they don't have my current address, they do have my number and could have tried to contact me directly.

Or maybe it is innocent and I am the mean one. I feel desperately low about it, am heavily pregnant and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
plentyofsoap · 06/04/2014 11:12

Hope you are feeling ok op? Like others have said ignore everything. Focus on your family and a new start.

hamptoncourt · 06/04/2014 11:20

Please don't let them ruin or spoil this lovely time in your life OP when you should be concentrating on yourself and your own family.

As PP have said, any response from you, even Fuck Off, would be seen as a victory by them. They just want to goad you back into contact so they can hurt you some more. I know it is unspeakably awful but you know, as I do, that it is true.

You are really vulnerable right now, hence their timing. As a mother yourself, you would love, as I would, to pretend they actually care and want to be nice, to be "proper" parents that don't want to hurt/criticise/undermine you. I actually felt my mother wanted to destroy me. This is why you feel the way you do. The reality of having a narc parent is quite overwhelming.

However, you do need to establish an ignore ignore ignore strategy and stick to it. I don't know if this will help and I don't want to out myself, but here is an example of my mothers latest hoover attempt.

She is staying at my brothers holiday home in France at the moment. Although I am NC, DB had mentioned it. She went off and left her front door wide open knowing that DC have to walk right past her front door on their way to and from school. Of course DC went in, toxic nan wasn't there, huge drama unfolds. What do you think I did? That's right, nothing. Absolutely nothing, no texts, no visits to check nothing burgled, no comment whatsoever. DC contacted Toxic Nan and she said she "left it open deliberately in case they fell out with me and needed somewhere to go!!!!!!" No, mother, that's your behaviour, your life, not mine. Thanks. Totally ridiculous.

This is from years of being sucked back in and spat back out. You have to stand firm in the face of all the shit they throw at you. My DM regularly claims to have cancer. It is all bullshit.

The awful thing is that to keep yourself safe you have to remember the bad times.

LauraShigihara · 06/04/2014 11:22

My awful in-laws did this for the first two or three years we were estranged. My MIL would send a fiver in a card to the children - one of whom she had never met - and cards to DH outlining how much she missed him.

I put the cards straight in the bin, and put the money in their savings without mentioning it to anyone It didn't last once they knew we weren't going to respond. They absolutely thrived on the drama and being able to wail about the harsh treatment we were giving them. It's not so much fun when the victims don't get sucked back in.

Meerka · 06/04/2014 12:35

ouch Hampton aobut the extremely unsubtle front door business.

Do your children realise what´s going on?

hamptoncourt · 06/04/2014 12:45

DD sucks up everything toxic nan says and does. DS is a lot more savvy and only has contact with her every few months easter/hisbirthday/xmas

I just laughed it off. She will be so annoyed that I didn't react. The pathetic lengths she goes to are amazing. It did make a change from the claims of imminent death though Grin

Meerka · 06/04/2014 12:49

Yeah I remember those claims of imminent death too. They backfired in my case tho, I'd lost my adoptive mother young and the first time biol. mother tossed off 'oh I nearly died' I was devastated. By the third time, I thought "you don't give a shit about what your words do to anyone else" and stopped paying any attention. In fact I called her on it. She didnt like that at all and got violent which split everythign wide open.

Sadly my poor half-sisters were too young to realise what was going on and she kept them dancing on strings wet with tears for years. Awful to watch, because you could see what it would do in the long term.

buffythebarbieslayer · 06/04/2014 14:08

Yep had the 'I'm at death's door' as well.

I simply won't let them ruin this time

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 06/04/2014 14:39

Is it wise to even accept the money?

oldgrandmama · 06/04/2014 14:48

Noooo ... don't respond at all. No polite acknowledgements, no anything. As a fellow-sufferer from ghastly parents, I sympathise. I did soften a bit about them when I had my own darling children. But then my mother, in particular, pulled some REALLY cunning stunts, especially regarding my daughter and enough was enough. Even when she was an old lady, in her eighties, she was still trying to cause trouble.

Harden your heart, OP, ignore ignore ignore. Relax, look forward to your beautiful new baby.

Lindt70Percent · 06/04/2014 16:02

It's very manipulative and I hope your ILs don't fall for it.

Years ago my husband and I had a falling out with his mother and she wrote to us saying (amongst other vile things) that she never wanted to hear from us again unless we apologised to her. H wrote back saying he didn't want to lose touch with her but didn't think we had done anything to apologise for. He said to take some time and to get in touch with us when she was ready. At the same time he told her that we'd just found out we were pregnant with our 2nd child.

She didn't get in touch with us but instead starting sending Christmas cards to my parents. She waited until around the baby's due date and then phoned my mum to find out whether the baby had been born and said how awful everything was for her, it had been the worst time of her life etc. My mum would then pass on the messages and say how awkward it was for her and that H really should get in touch with her because she was his mother and our children's grandmother etc. She would get quite annoyed with us which was just what MIL wanted and it really upset me how she allowed herself to get sucked in when she knew exactly what the situation had been.

After 3 blissful years of no contact we are now back in touch with his parents and actually get on quite well. However, I still keep my parents and his parents apart. Their contact when she had cut us off is a real sore point for me and I want to maintain a distance between the ILs and my family. MIL behaved very badly at that time but I can put that behind us. However, I don't want her worming her way further in with my family who I feel should have been more supportive to me.

The ILs live 200 miles away and visit us about 4 times a year. My parents live about 25 miles further on from us. In the past my parents would have come to see the ILs when they were visiting us but we have made sure this has never happened since we've been back in touch because I don't think I could handle it. MIL has noticed this and so made secret arrangements to meet up with my parents without us. They made a separate trip that didn't involve seeing us at all. My mum told me about it in advance and I said I didn't want her to meet them and explained why but she of course went ahead anyway.

My mother thinks I'm being very odd about wanting to keep them apart and seems to find it very amusing. Sometimes I also wonder if I'm being odd.

Sorry to drone on about me. Obviously your post hit a nerve with me!

I hope your ILs support you and don't put any pressure on you to meet up with your parents. I wouldn't accept the money as they may use it to make you look bad, "Our money's good enough for her but she won't let us see our grandchildren". Just ignore it.

Hope you can put it all to the back of your mind and not let it spoil this time.

buffythebarbieslayer · 06/04/2014 16:31

What should I do with the money?

Sending it back is a form of contact. But I don't feel right accepting or spending it.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 06/04/2014 16:36

Do not under any circumstances send it back as that is contact. Just put it in DC bank acct or give it to charity.

Then try to forget all about it.

oldgrandmama · 06/04/2014 16:46

Yes, put it in an account for the children. Or buy premium bonds with it for them. Then forget about it.

fubbsy · 06/04/2014 17:04

What should I do with the money?

Give the money to charity. That way it can do someone some good. IMO accepting it is accepting some kind of relationship, even if indirect.

Lindt70Percent · 06/04/2014 17:26

Is it cash? If so, then I'd put it in an account for the children / give it to charity because it would be harder to send it back. If it's a cheque then I'd just ignore it.

Meerka · 06/04/2014 17:32

either give it away or give it back to the ILs saying that you've thought about it and refuse to accept it. that is the best, I think; they can then pass it back to their mother

its putting them in an awkward position but they should have known a lot better than to take the money in the first place. They can amends this way.

Meerka · 06/04/2014 17:32

to your* mother sorry.

buffythebarbieslayer · 06/04/2014 18:05

Charity seems like a good idea Smile

Or children's account yes.

Starting to feel a little clearer now. Must focus on what's important.

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