Does anyone regret deciding it was too bad to stay?

[Placeinthesun]

.... Or have you left and been happier even if you have not a new DP?

For those in relationships where there was no EA/PA but things tipped to the too bad to stay side and the love was replaced with anger and resentment or you drifted apart have you regretted your decision to leave? Are you happier in your new life or do you wish you had settled for what you had our stayed for the sake of the dc's?

On the cusp of going, terrified of being alone.

You need this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776

It really helped me, I have no regrets and have had the happiest year of my life.

Actually just had an hour long conversation with stbxh where he started banging on about how I'd always had an issue with him prioritising his friends and social life over me/our DC and never introducing me/including me in his circle EVER. He just called me a freak and retarded for ever feeling upset about complete exclusion (majority of his friends are female btw so we're not talking boys nights with footy and beer) from socialing together with them.
Makes me even happier to be alone really, means I don't have to worry about feeling not good enough to be seen out with anymore. Maybe my next fella (if I can even be arsed with all that again) will be proud to be seen with me. So yup. Definitely no regrets!

I read Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway. Worked.

No regrets whatsoever. Still single, and quite happy to stay this way as I am in total control of my life and my choices.

Funnily enough I found a photo of my ex earlier and actually felt nauseous at the sight of him. The thought of going near him again made me queasy.

This thread is just what I needed to read right now! Only been 3 weeks since I asked ex-p to leave and finding it hard. But he was VA/EA so I know I have made the right decision. Things can only get better (I hope!)

I found that after the initial relief of ending the relationship, a few weeks in it was important to remind myself how bad things had been at any times that I started wavering. I wrote out a list and shared it with my sister. It's not an issue at all now. When I see my ex I don't feel anything, no regrets. I don't currently have a partner. I don't miss it and get on fine without.

I only regret leaving one relationship because I did it too lightly and he was lovely. History has shown that he has a great partner now and I am happy as I am

As for leaving a later abusive relationship I was in, I actually found myself walking on air with the exhilaration of being free from him and have never looked back.

Thank you for all thes replies.
I am just afraid of the future and giving up the day to day of married life and the stuff that does work for the dc's (family meals out, trips away, having both parents at school events etc). Perhaps it would be easier to stay and accept my marriage is what it is.

Think about what example you're showing your dc.

That being miserable but together is better than being happy apart.

There is no chance of things getting any better when you're still together, and in fact you might end up resent one another.

I don't think anyone should resign themselves to being miserable, for any reason.

I'm much happier. Split in sept 2013. I haven't given up the marriage though. We still basically have the marriage without the relationship.

It has been a little tough at times but is worth it for us. He's here now playing with dc, we are managing to be two separate people within the one family IYSWIM because we have a good amicable and supportive relationship.

I also have a bf who is very suited to me ATM and makes me happy. I've never regretted splitting with h since I did.

I don't regret the year of unhappiness before the split either really because I needed it to feel confident leaving. I'd spent a year in the relationship feeling desperately unhappy and waiting for him to make changes which never happened and although I knew it was fixable, he hadn't been prepared to do things to fix it and by sept I didn't want him to anymore.

I hope we'll both be happy and I hope we can carry on raising the children together too.

I 'left' 11 years ago, stayed single for 2 years, then met amazing man who became the best husband in the world. I'm so glad I left, although it was the bravest leap I ever made. I was far less lonely single than I ever was with my ex. He wasn't a bad man, just made me feel lonely, and alone and didn't love me, and I didn't respect him for lots of things (he put every hobby before me, put his mother first about everything, made me feel second class always - nothing earth shattering, but I felt sad a lot of the time). Left with very small baby.

Now I can show my very large baby (!) and my two later children how adult love works, how you have self respect, how you live with and support each other, and I couldn't have done that if I stayed. Perfectly prepared to remain single forever when I left.

Very glad I left, wish I'd been braver sooner.

Sending you every good wish for your future. x

How have you managed to hold onto the marriage? Do you live together still.

Not for one second. I was with my exh for 23 years, from age 15 to 38. It took 5 horrible years of trying to make it work before I realised we couldn't. Separating was an instant relief and since then I've not even once doubted I've done the right thing.

Sometimes but not deep down. When I am feeling miserable (usually about other things) I run scenarios through my head. But the regret is very fleeting and kind of based on remembering that we were once happy and feeling sad that it went wrong. Overall, I am much happier. Separation isn't the answer to life's problems, any more than marriage is.

Thank you for all the replies.
All the no regretters how did you cope with time away from your dc's when they were/are with ex DP? This and how I would cope with things like family holidays without him and stuff he does like mowing the lawn, doing the DIY, fixing the kids bikes.

I feel like these are my mental blocks to taking Abberton. And the thought of lonely Sundays where the dc's are with him and everyone I know is doing family stuff.

Thank you. It is such a huge decision to make.

Abberton...?
Should say action. Auto correct on phone.

Regarding weekends without the children. At first, it was like death. I would oversleep and nap all afternoon and go to bed early to try to block out the misery. Then, I would bake cakes for their return. Now, I wave them off and enjoy myself doing things they would find dull.

I think you have to be certain that you want out to be able to do it and not have regrets.

I left my 11 year marraige 18 months ago. No regrets. There was nothing massively wrong, just felt I was wasting away. Luckily we still get on well, and are able to have the odd day out together with the dc. They are happy with 2 houses and we share care. Think it makes a difference to them that I still like their dad, and he can come for Sunday lunch etc, they have just accepted that we live apart, and to be honest they get quality time with us both. It is hard but I feel more like me.

Personally I am so exhausted with the crazy, fulfilling, bonkers world of school, homework, clubs, play dates that when the kids go to the ex it is a blessed relief! I love it! I go running, for long walks, out with friends, cook. I cope very well!

Just coming back to this thread. Thank you for all the inspiring replies . I keep re reading as I brace myself for the discussion with DH. We are hardly speaking and he's been sleeping in the spare room for 2 months. It's the dc's that are holding me back.

Thank you all again.

In response to your other question, no doubts about it, it's very hard to be separate from my eldest son (the one from that marriage) when he's away, and very hard to have almost no say in what he does/how he is parented whilst at his fathers. His father has made some rather eye popping decisions about safety that scared me, but it gets better as he gets older (both son and father!). It's a toss up between being unhappy all the time, or unhappy for some of the time. Sorry. I still think it was very worth it, despite the odd moment (maybe once every year) of total rage and impotence at the situation. x

I'll give you a different perspective.

My Ex was a horrible man, DV, EA, you name it. Having said that, by the time I left all that had stopped because really we didn't care much about each other at that point. I'd stopped arguing back, given up on any pretence of a relationship etc.

I eventually left him 6 years ago, after 8 years.

I should've left him 7 years earlier, when he was punching me and smashing up my belongings, I didn't because no-one believed me, or would help me to leave. I called the police several times when he assaulted me, they said it was his house, he had a right to be there. And so on.

But despite all that, do I regret leaving? Yes, oddly I do. It has made my children miserable, and continues to do so. I've lost my chance at having a 3rd child. I've not had another relationship nor (on past form) am I likely to do so.

Had we stayed together my house would be finished and mortgage paid off a couple of years ago.

Yes, I'm my own person and I look/feel a lot better than when we were together, but was it worth it? Probably not. I think with hindsight I should've left 13 years ago (when I was young enough to start again and it would've affected the DC less, or stayed and stuck it out til now, my kids would be happier, we'd be better off and I wouldn't be stuck on my own.

Grass isn't always entirely greener.