don't even know if I love him anymore, what do I do???

[sprite25]

DH and I have been together 3 and a half years, married for yr and a half of that and have a 4 month old DD. Things used to be great between us I know it's cheesy but it was like we were best friends, lovers, partners all of it. There are different things that have happened that's caused alot of anger and resentment between us, mostly me towards him. For a while I've been questioning how I feel about him but tried to make things better between us (for the 100th time). We were being more affectionate with eachother and I bought up the subject of us being intimate again. He instantly looked disgusted and said after seeing me have our daughter he would feel to awkward to do 'that'. I know alot of men feel that way after seeing their partner give birth but even before we had a pretty much non existent sex life as he would always find reasons why it was 'awkward' or not the right time. It's not just about the sex it's about him showing me love and affection and showing me he still finds me attractive (he hasn't paid me a compliment in AGES). I've told him many times I feel like his mum not his wife (I take care of all the finances and bills, the most of the housework, the main carer of the baby, do all the cooking and often have to do things for him even applying for jobs and I paid for the whole of our wedding etc) I often find him pitiful at best and pathetic. I don't feel like I have the fight in me to keep trying to make things better when he make no effort, I have love for him as my babies dad but I think I stopped being in love with him a long time ago. Things are constantly tense between us and I always feel angry at him, even when we try to have a nice day together as a family he moans about tiny things non stop and we end up arguing. I don't know what to do as I feel like I'm living a lie when I say I love you and kiss him goodbye. Sorry for the long post just need to get it off my chest and feel like I don't know what way to turn.

Sorry but if you feel like this so early in your relationship how will the rest of it pan out. This should be the time for building a bedrock and the foundations for your relationship.

If he shows no interest in sex and gives no affection now what will it be like in 10, 20 or 30 years time.

Unfortunately I fear all you will get out of this is that your self confidence and esteem will be crushed. Don't allow that to happen, especially as you have a dd. You're doing everything anyway...what does he bring to the table?

I have told him this before, that I can't do it all on my own and he always makes the same promises that he will support me more and do more but it never happens. I've brought it up many times that I don't feel about him the way a wife should feel towards her husband and that we should just concentrate on being good parent's to our daughter but then he makes me feel guilty saying if we're not living together he will hardly see her and miss out on things she does. Also if we split I would either have to go back and live with my parents or seriously struggle in a flat on my own. And even though there's no closeness or strong relationship between us I dont really have any friends so apart from close family I would pretty much be on my own.

Sorry I've tried twice to respond now and lost my post...stupid phone.

Ultimately you have to work with what you know, I.e. that he does very little by way of support, doesn't want to provide sex or affection and makes empty promises.

From what you've said you are a resourceful woman who will be able to cope just fine on her own. I'm not saying that you should ask him to leave, and I know you have a small baby so you probably don't want to do anything at the moment. However I think you are selling yourself short and accepting less than you should.

Sex and affection come in waves but you've been in drought and known each other no time really. If he's like this now things are unlikely to change. Are you satisfied with that?

I think that the situation you describe will leave you feeling very resentful and bitter which would be a toxic combination to have around your dd. You are her role model of what she should accept in a marriage.

Please don't allow logistics to force you in to accepting less than you should, you are a married woman who is afforded certain rights under the law, perhaps you should research what you would be entitled to in an attempt to make you feel stronger when making your making your decision.

It is odd that you had a pretty much non existent sex life and yet still married.

Could he be gay?

Whatever his issues, life is too short to spend in such misery. It doesn't sound like either of you is happy.

It really does sound as though it is completely over already. There certainly isn't going to be the possibility of anymore dc and you feel like HIS mother...

hamptoncourt it's strange that you should ask that as I have thought it might be the case before. I know everyone experiments when their younger but I know he has slept with a man before in his 20's as he 'was confused and thought he might be'. He claimed that he hated it but if you hated it would you continue to have full sex? He can also be very effeminate and can say overly homophobic things almost as if to prove a point. as we have always had such a strained sex life I have wondered if him getting married and having a baby was just to have a 'normal' life, you hear of it all the time don't you? If this is the case I would feel so used and humiliated. I know if I asked him outright he would completely deny it. Having someone else pick up on it without me saying a word has made me think even more that it could be a real possibility

sprite I think you should trust your gut on this.

Either way, neither of you is in a happy fulfilling relationship.

From your point of view, you are living with a man who doesn't meet your needs for physical affection, emotional support, and doesn't even pull his weight with housework and finances. On top of all that he is homophobic. What are you getting out of this relationship?

What is that saying about it being far better to travel alone than badly accompanied?

I tried talking to him last night, I asked him 'do you prefer men?' he denied it and couldn't understand why I was asking him saying he hadn't gone 'queer' then when we were asleep he pulled my arm over him so it was like I was hugging him and stood behind me with his arms around my waist when I was getting breakfast. I know to some people that might seem like he's trying to be nice but I find it odd that he suddenly changed after me asking that question it felt very awkward and forced like he was doing it just to show he's not. He hasn't mentioned it again either which is unusual for him as if I had tried talking to him about anything else (sex, relationship, lack of support) he would keep on about it until we end up arguing but this he has just dropped and is acting like everything is fine.

I think you have your answer then don't you?

You could try broaching it again, explain you'd rather know and he should be honest to himself and you.

I feel devastated, I think my marriage is over. We didn't talk about the gay subject but we did talk. I know it's abit rich for me to say considering I'm confused about how I feel but the impression I got is that he was only with me because he doesn't want to be away from our daughter. He almost seemed relieved when I mentioned the word 'separate' I thought he would be as torn up about this as I am but in the middle of the night while I was crying my eyes out in the dark he was fast asleep snoring. It's like apart from not being around our daughter as much he's not affected by it. I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart and can't believe this is real and he's acting like...nothing.

So sorry to hear that, obviously this doesn't bode well but I think you know in your heart that he isn't what you want or need really. No good advice but wanted you to know I was still listening.

I am terrified that we will separate and I'll realise that I do still love him but he won't want to come back. How do I know I'm doing the right thing? He asked me if I would try something like marriage counseling but we really couldn't afford it and I don't know if it would help as I don't know anyone who's ever been through it. I didn't realise how utterly heartbroken I would feel at the idea that he really didn't love me, as I feel confused about how I feel but I'm not saying I don't know for certain that I don't love him.

I totally get where you're coming from. If he suggested counselling would you be against that. Sorry I have no experience of that but perhaps you could find someone who charges based on income?

So sorry OP, I know you don't want to hear it but honestly, you're grieving what might have been cos what had was pretty crap, a partner who doesn't support you, doesn't do much at home, doesn't show you affection, appears to possibly be gay, I could go on and on.....

I really feel for you, you sounds lovely and have so much to give, I actually hope you are able to separate quickly so you can actually go on to meet someone who will appreciate you. Trying to make things better for the 100th time in a 3.5 year relationship is pretty shit.

Jan is right I think. Given the length of your relationship and the amount of effort already spent it seems the future would be pretty hard it you chose to stay with it. So sorry x