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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to go forward with DP

25 replies

whathappensincroydon · 04/04/2014 11:17

NCed for this.

DP came home last night drunk. He had a work night out, and I knew he'd come home sozzled, not something I have an issue with.

However we were then discussing a girl he works with, who has a habit of getting so drunk she can't control herself (falls around everywhere, has to be taken home, disappears, etc), and DP said that she was 'rape bait'.

As you can imagine, this led to an argument. DP said that 'everyone at work' was using the term which frankly I don't think excuses it. He then tried to shut down the argument by agreeing that he was wrong (classic DP drunk technique) and then when I pressed it, accused me of never being able to let anything go, 'you never just stop', 'we're not connecting', 'we always argue' (untrue, just in these situations) - and he magnifies everything, takes offence.

Eventually it got to the stage (as it usually does when he is drunk) where he was angry and couldn't seem to STOP himself being angry. Swearing (but sitting on the sofa, not aggressive) ... told me to 'fuck off', 'No, it's me, I'm always fucking wrong, I'm shit, it's all my fault' - angrily. And me trying to pacify him, telling him that isn't what I'm saying and we'll talk about it tomorrow. After that, I just gave up and cried.

I suspect what will happen is that around lunchtime I'll get a call or an email apologising and he'll be very contrite. And in another couple of months this will happen again.

I'm sick of the pattern. It makes up a small percentage of our relationship but it impacts me and I hate it -when he gets on his angry train he seems to actually dislike me - accuses me of not being supportive, treats me like I'm being unreasonable and shrewish (I am pretty laid back) and on a couple of occasions threatening to leave - he once packed a bag.

It is literally the drink, and him taking our repressed stress on me.

OP posts:

Original poster

whathappensincroydon · 04/04/2014 11:29

Sorry I realise I haven't actually finished this off! Mis-click.

Essentially I'm asking how you would deal with this. I feel it's a surmountable problem but don't really know the best way forward ... I want to approach it in a way that means this doesn't happen again.

OP posts:

cakeymccakington · 04/04/2014 11:35

looking at it from a completely unbiased stand point I would like to ask why, when he agreed that he was wrong, you wanted to pursue it?

i can kind of understand why, if he admitted it was unacceptable and said that he was wrong, he would then get pissed off with you going on and on about it.

i guess I probably would have left it right then, but had a conversation about it later when he was not tired and drunk?

MillyJones · 04/04/2014 11:35

The term is not nice but I can understand what he means in that she is drinking to the extent that she is losing complete control. It does seem that a lot of young women get into this state now unfortunately. I think that he was just using the term as everyone else was using it. You made your point to him and as he was drunk I think that you should have left it at that really and maybe mentioned it at another time when he was sober. You said that he agreed that he was wrong so why did you continue the discussion. He sounds like he was trying to avoid an argument happening with you but you wouldn't let it go. Then he gets angry because you wont let it go. Maybe this happens every couple of months but it does sound to me like you equally have a part to play in it.

Original poster

whathappensincroydon · 04/04/2014 11:36

I should have shut up right there, I know. I suspect we'd still have argued about something, but yes, I should have done.

I pressed it because he was saying he was wrong to shut me up, not because he actually thought he was wrong.

But, it should have been a cue to stop.

OP posts:

MillyJones · 04/04/2014 11:38

Do you think you pick arguments with him a lot because you feel you are right and he is wrong.

Original poster

whathappensincroydon · 04/04/2014 11:45

Milly, I'm not sure how you extrapolate that I 'pick arguments with him a lot' - that's not true, and we don't argue often.

He didn't admit it was unacceptable, he said he was wrong so that I would stop talking.

And whether or not the argument was my 'fault', I don't think I should be sworn at, particularly when I had then spent time saying, "I'm sorry, I'm not saying you're wrong, let's discuss this tomorrow".

I made the mistake of trying to continue something when he was too drunk to be able to do so, and my reward was being told to fuck off. I understand that.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel like I have to tiptoe around him when he's drunk.

OP posts:

Original poster

whathappensincroydon · 04/04/2014 11:46

And in this situation, I felt I was right for the first 5 minutes when we were talking about the phrase 'rape bait' - from that point on we actually weren't talking about it, it moved on to everything and anything.

But, I do understand I could have dropped it and maybe, maybe we wouldn't have argued. I'll learn from that.

OP posts:

Lweji · 04/04/2014 11:50

Firstly, if someone behaves in a certain way when drunk, that is not the drink. It's him (or her), only without his usual conscious barriers.

Then, if you often have bad arguments with him when he drinks, perhaps his drinking really is affecting the relationship, and in that sense he does have a drinking problem.
Or a relationship problem, that surfaces when he's drunk.

Think very carefully if you want to be in a relationship with this man, at least long term. Do you have any children together?

MillyJones · 04/04/2014 11:56

I actually said do you THINK you pick arguments. Since you are saying that this situation happens regularly do you think that you could leave any negative discussions until another time.

No you shouldn't be sworn at but you did imply that you continued going on at him about it when he said he was wrong. You don't have to tip toe around when someone is drunk but not the time to argue your point either. Save it for when he is more receptive not when he has come home after a night out.

Mygoldfishrocks · 06/04/2014 07:40

he has a point! you do go on a bit

maggiemight · 06/04/2014 07:44

It's pointless arguing or anything else with someone who is drunk.

If it is him that is picking on you when he is drunk he needs to stop it or stop getting drunk but if you are both arguing together you shouldn't waste your time.

Just go off to bed or out of the room.

CalmaLlamaDown · 06/04/2014 07:49

He agreed with you and said he was in the wrong.

You said you 'pressed it', that's not 'tip-toeing' around someone who is drunk!

You say you are fine with him going on works outings and getting drunk but then you pick a fight when he gets home so would say you actually resent him going out?

You ask how to move forward with your DP - if you want to stay with him then cut him some slack!

bleedingheart · 06/04/2014 07:49

I wouldn't try and have a reasoned discussion with a drunk person or keep at it when they have conceded but that doesn't mean he has the right to shout and swear at you.
Do you find you have different views on things and this comes out when he's been drinking?
It sounds like he holds a lot of resentment and wants to 'shut you down' if this happens a lot. That is no way to live OP.

WillieWaggledagger · 06/04/2014 07:50

My understanding of the OP is that the 'admitting he is wrong' part isn't a contrite apology but a more am angry and passive aggressive tactic to get the OP to pacify and apologise herself and put her in the wrong.

I would be horrified by my DP using the term 'rape bait' too

WillieWaggledagger · 06/04/2014 07:52

There is a difference between 'I am sorry I was wrong to use that term' and 'No, it's me, I'm always fucking wrong, I'm shit, it's all my fault'

bonzo77 · 06/04/2014 08:04

It doesn't really matter who was in the right. If you don't like him drunk, and he drinks to that stage often, leave him. Do you have children? Would you want them to see him like this? Oh, and yes. What comes out when they're drunk is 100% the real them, only uninhibited by social convention. I d

bonzo77 · 06/04/2014 08:06

....whoops. I don't think you like him much. My ex was a dick when he was drunk. Actually he was the same sober, but mostly hid it well.

ChasedByBees · 06/04/2014 08:11

I'd be pretty horrified by this and I know exactly what you mean by saying he is wrong to shut you up. I'd want to discuss this again while he as sober. I'd also be wary if this is his general way of dealing with disagreements and also be considering carefully whether I wanted to have children or other long term commitment with him.

As an aside, the stepford wives appears to be out today!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 06/04/2014 08:14

He sounds horrible.

Pippilangstrompe · 06/04/2014 08:25

I would have left it when he said he was wrong, and discussed it further when he is sober.

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 09:31

'Rape bait' that's fkn vile, who thinks that way?? I don't care if someone's stark naked, high as a kite wafting their fanny in your face ..... No right minded person takes advantage of any situation and for the record rape is not about sex!

That would be the deal breaker for me here, the arguments, drinking and or passive aggressive attitude of your DH would just be an additional nail in the coffin.

CalmaLlamaDown · 06/04/2014 13:48

From the way the OP described the DH's use of the term rape-bait, it sounded like it was more out of concern for her safety (falling over, needing to be taken home) than suggesting she was 'fair game' to a rapist!

Choosing not to 'press' a point with a drunk partner who has all ready said they were in the wrong does not a Stepford Wife make!

Fairylea · 06/04/2014 13:54

As someone who was a heavy drinker in a previous life I would say never, ever try to have any sort of serious discussion with a drunk. Ever. Just pointless. Everyone says things they don't mean and a lot of people forget what they've said when they're drunk so you're just wasting your breath. When someone comes in drunk it's best to just let them in and go to bed. Let them sleep it off.

(I am completely tee total now and have been for the last 5 years by the way. I realise I just cannot drink. Not even at all).

Personally I would have left him to it and talked to him about it the next day when he was stone cold sober. Rape bait is awful.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 06/04/2014 13:58

I agree with not trying to reason with a drunk man.

I dunno how happy I'd be living with a man who regularly gets drunk and then angry, and who is so unthinking that he doesn't see the misogyny (or the irony) of calling a drunk woman rape bait.

BetterTogether75 · 06/04/2014 20:53

Many years ago, DH and I had a little phase of having silly arguments when we had both been drinking. I put it to him that this was worrying me and stopping it would involve drinking less. He was initially dismissive but things did improve and the problem stopped. DH told me later that he he had taken time to think about it and realised that what I was saying was reasonable. The arguments we had were much milder than what you describe, he didn't swear at me or act as if he disliked me (and he would never use a vile term like 'rape bait' either) - as others have said alcohol disinhibits, and if he is throwing a lot of anger and contempt your way when drunk, I would seriously consider getting rid.

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