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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

getting pregnant on the quiet

70 replies

clockisticking · 03/04/2014 22:22

I've been married for nearly 14 years and in total together for around 20. I was ready to start a family at 27, I was asked to wait until we had a bigger house/more money. Roll on 8 more years and finally it happens. Fantastic healthy boy who is now 3 and a half.

After he was born we had issues, well he did. Aggressive to me, and I put up with it for 2 years. So, during that time I didn't even think about having another. Things are now much better and I don't want my son to be an only child - both H and I are 1 of 3.

He says he doesn't want the hassel and that our son will have friends, so doesn't need a sibling. We don't have any support and haven't been out for 3 years. My view is that we rarely went out together anyway and that friends would come and go and that when we're gone he won't have anyone to talk to from the same back ground - plus I love being a mum and would love another child. H is good dad and spends time with D's.

Trouble is I've just turned 39 and am wondering where my time has gone and considering an option of having my coil removed and not telling him. This makes me feel sick as I'm not a dishonest person but I feel just as bad at the thought of not having another child.

H isn't currently work (out for 9 months). There are potential jobs out there, he doesn't have to work but is getting bored (has D's 2days and is overseeing home improvement). When he has asked what we'll do with my money when he goes back to work I've said we can use to continue with any child care, his response is that there would be no point in him going back if that's the case.

Has anyone out there got pregnant on purpose? Words of wisdom would be appreciated please.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 04/04/2014 18:49

I think you owe it to any possible baby not to do it in this situation. Having a baby isn't about scratching an itch or providing a sibling for another existing child. The individual new baby has needs and a parent should see their role as providing for those needs. This can mean deciding not to have a baby in some situations.

justiceofthePeas · 04/04/2014 19:10

Good point math

Another one saying no. Stop contraception if you want but tell him so he has a choice but from the sounds of it, I would leave anyway.

differentnameforthis · 05/04/2014 03:12

My sister did it to her (at the time) bf. They are married now, 20yrs down the line, 2 more kids & miserable as sin.

Both have had affairs.

The only saving grace is that he still doesn't know.

8isalotoflegsDavid · 05/04/2014 06:00

I really sympathise, honestly I do, but I could never, ever condone tricking someone into a baby they expressly said they did not want.

It's just beyond wrong.

Fullyswindonian · 05/04/2014 23:54

It isn't acceptable under any circumstances, but it still happens.

However, if your overriding biological desire is to have a child, your moral compass will be heavily offset by pesky temporary chemical imbalances, so I understand it's difficult.

It's too easy to get pregnant 'by accident', but I'm sure it would be almost impossible to live with yourself and your own conscience thereafter. You'll be guilty of deceit against your husband.

MatildaWhispers · 06/04/2014 00:05

Don't assume that just because he's ended up a good dad to one child he will be a good dad to two children. Forcing him to have a second will be pushing him way out of his comfort zone (financially, emotionally etc) and that will lead to huge amounts of resentment. I was pressured into having my youngest and although I am doing ok now it has taken a lot of heartache and therapy. Please don't put yourself and a baby through that.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/04/2014 00:05

OP I really sympathise. He has cheated you out of the family you wanted by stalling and stalling, and then finally revealing himself as a wanker.

I cannot 100% say what I would do in your position. I know I would be toying with the idea as you are.

mathanxiety · 06/04/2014 01:16

I agree with Alibaba there, but I still think you have to try to assess the impact on a baby.

You are not responsible for your husband's bad attitude towards any future baby and you were not responsible for his choice of behavior the last time, but it's not a promising situation to bring a baby into and since you know that you have a responsibility towards any possible baby.

differentnameforthis · 06/04/2014 06:00

Absolutely agree. I was my mothers 4th.

Original poster

clockisticking · 06/04/2014 07:52

Your comments have hit home - I don't have it in me to dupe him.

He has used excuses to avoid pregnancy, I just didn't recognise it at the time. I had to tell him I was coming off the pill and then when I discovered I was pregnant it took me a week to tell him. I was overjoyed but worried about telling him. He used to tell me that he 'wasn't ready for this'. So no, another baby together without him wanting it, wouldn't be fair on any of us.

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 06/04/2014 11:57

If he became aggressive after the baby was born there is a reason for that! I bet if you pushed the issue and did become pregnant then he would be miserable again and could well turn aggressive, having another baby could end the marriage.

My husband adores our daughter but does not want another baby either, he has no patience and I did everything for our baby. I think having another would be the end for us too, some people just aren't cut out for parenthood.

Read your last post and see your come to terms with it. Just think that extra money you have can be used on holidays etc!

croquet · 07/04/2014 14:12

Agree with the others who says heart says yes head says no.
Poor you - tough times.

mathanxiety · 07/04/2014 14:30

There is never a reason for aggression.

A marriage that hinges on not 'tipping a husband into aggression' is one nobody should stay in.

BeCool · 07/04/2014 15:03

Have the coil removed out but tell him.

Say you want another child, and if he doesn't that is his choice and you respect that. But you will no longer carry the burden of contraception for the both of you. It is his turn to deal with it.

If he really doesn't want another baby, he will have to actually act like a man who doesn't want another baby.

Apatite1 · 07/04/2014 15:18

I'm glad you've realised it's a bad idea! Having another baby affects him as well as you, so it would be horribly unfair of you to not respect his wishes.

mathanxiety · 07/04/2014 15:31

I agree with BeCool.

nkf · 07/04/2014 15:34

I think if he left you, it might be a very good thing, but it's a bit high risk. I would rather have two children than one husband, but I appreciate that's not how everyone sees things.

nkf · 07/04/2014 15:35

Aggression around pregnancy sounds dreadful to me.

NewtRipley · 07/04/2014 15:44

I agree with Cogito

It seems to me that having a baby would simply be a way of not addressing the real problem here - you relationship.The very fact that you would consider this is a sign that your relationship is not strong.

I'd be considering whether I wanted to stay in this marriage at all, or at the very least, seeking marriage counselling, not whether I'd introduce another child into it.

FastLoris · 07/04/2014 16:49

Good decision Clock. It would be a morally repugnant thing to do on every level. I'm amazed some people have even said maybe, tbh.

You're lucky to have a happy and healthy child. Enjoy it.

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