I don't know whether this goes here, Elderly Parents or Mental Health but anyway, I could really use your advice

[Mintyy]

I hate drip-feeding as much as anyone, but I also have a problem with enormously long opening posts, so am going to try and keep this brief!

Dmum has suffered from anxiety on and off for 13 years, with depression thrown in for the past 3 years.

She just wants to talk about this all the time and I have run out of ways of listening to her.

For instance, I just rang to tell her when her Ocado shopping (which I have ordered for her) is going to turn up and she started to talk about her anxiety twice in what should have been a 3 minute phone call. I am driving down to see her on one of my extremely rare days off tomorrow, and staying the night, and I am dreading it rather because instead of feeling supportive and understanding I am just losing patience with it all.

Is it an old person thing, a mother/daughter thing (we have never been close) or a feature of her illness?

Sorry - that's longer than I thought it would be!

I share your feelings....

My DM starts every conversation/telephone call with "I've been worried to death about..... " and then goes into great detail about some very minor nothingness she is worried about. Such as I might run out of petrol on my way to work - I've been driving 30 years and never run out of petrol, or that the postman is different and maybe the old one has died, or that I might forget to put my bin out and it won't be emptied, etc, etc.

Every discussion seems to be explaining why that thing is not a worry. It drives me round the twist, as they are such futile, pointless, repetitive conversations.

I think that because my DM lives alone, tiny niggles become enormous worries and so she tells me about them, in turn I have to reassure her and in turn she feels needed??

Maybe your DM tells you about her anxiety in order to see if you care, and then she can feel needed?

Not sure how we can stop them doing it though.

Oh that sounds really difficult Ruby!

My Mum also lives on her own and is becoming infirm. She doesn't fuss, particularly, but she gets panicky and agoraphobic. I can understand why she is depressed (the anxiety is harder to understand) but I just don't think there is anything I can do about it.

Hi OP,

I can completely empathise. Many of my family members, myself included, suffer with anxiety and depression. Even though I have it too, it's hard to be understanding and supportive all the time. Especially when it IS all.the.time.!.

Something that helps for me when they go on again and again, I ask, sincerely, "Do you think I could help/do something for you?"

It usually shows them that even though I still care, I'm only human, too.

I think it all probably stems back to loneliness and living alone really.

There is no simple answer. Think we'll just have to grit our teeth and get on with it!

My mum moved in with us. There is plenty of room for us to do our own thing and we don't get in each other's way. She said she didn't mind being on her own after my dad died but she has since said she was lonely. Appreciate it wouldn't work for everyone but it suits us.

That definitely wouldn't work for us!

I do wish she would consider moving to sheltered housing. I think you get the best of both worlds there - company when you want it, but your own small flat for when you want to be on your own. A bit like student halls for oaps!

It is a worry though. Sheltered housing is a good idea though my mum was very resistant to it as she loves gardening and had to have her own garden.

I was going to suggest sheltered housing too, Mintyy. Some of them have schemes which help you with the move (in case that seems overwhelming for your Mum, which would be understandable).

I really think this would take the edge off her fear - and make your life easier too. Living alone with increasing infirmities is no fun, and if you are anxious too, it's very frightening.

If she doesn't have supportive friends or places she can go to, there's no one to talk her down and nothing to take her mind off it all. Hence, you get it with both barrels!

I do think it's an older person thing. Particularly that thing where small matters become magnified. I wasn't very patient about it as a younger person, but now understand that there are often many things going on in the background for elderly people, which make everyday life harder to cope with (eg multiple minor disabilities). Perhaps this is the root of it.

I think it's quite common that people get more anxious as they get older. It's difficult for younger generations to imagine how it might be to know that things are going to get worse and to worry about what might be in store for you. Even small things going wrong can be upsetting when you've lost confidence in your ability to cope with them. Also, as pp have said, living alone doesn't help, not having someone else there to take your mind off the current anxiety.

Is your DM on medication? A course of AD would help her anxiety, the two are often connected, and give her the boost to tweak her lifestyle to do practical things that would get her out of the house.

She does have medication - betablockers for her palpitations etc. She has been on them on and off for 13 years. When her depression got very bad three years ago, she tried

cbt - gave up as she didn't click with the therapist
hypnotherapy - gave up as it made her feel "even worse"
gp - finally prescribed her an ad (citralo something) which she gave up after a few days as it made her feel ill!

She doesn't realise that she would get more input and support from me and other members of the family if it weren't so depressing just being around her.

Don't want to put a dampner on the sheltered housing thing but ...

My Nanna died there (ok it's gonna happen, they are old!). The warden later admitted she had missed checking on her. I cannot remember when they first noticed she wasn't around but it was a long time. I only found this out recently from my brother who was obviously told this by my uncle.

Mind you, My Nanna was a difficult woman, saw slights everywhere and I would guess did not have any friends in the place so would not have been missed like a more popular person. When she was alive she did not have any proper friends, just hangers on and opportunists (she was very poor!) I know she was very lonely and it was sad that she could only afford what was essentially a studio place (had kitchen and bathroom but was bed/sitting room with the large furniture crammed in.

It is the old familiar tale of her two 'boys' having to be nagged by their long suffering wives into visiting her:(

Give Age UK a call. They have volunteers that just visit and listen. Maybe your mom would benefit from having a person to talk to.
Also if you can ask to go to gp with her, i know the nhs trust my nan is in have Geriatric Psychiatrists. This was in valuable to us. He visited the house and did some talk therapy and coping strategy with nan.
Would your mom go to clubs or centre to break up her day ?

Last thing sorry, have a look at silverline i saw them on sportrelief. They offer phone call / friendship to older people ... your mom could call and talk to them maybe.

All the best

It isn't a normal part of getting old, no, and you are right to be concerned.

She has palpitations and anxiety...any other symptoms of hyperthyroidism? Is she on levothyroxine, if so a blood test and lower dose might sort these symptoms out.

I can empathise with this Mintyy as your Mum sounds similar to my Dad. Since my Mum died 6 years ago he has become depressed and anxious and is extremely self-centered, to the point that I often dread going to see him. He has numerous health problems as well, and needs to be taken to hospital as his memory is so poor that he can't be trusted to go on his own. I wish he would move into sheltered housing but he has an elderly dog who he dotes on and I also think that the change would be too much for him.

I can't offer much advice unfortunately except to say that sometimes it helps to have a bit of a rant about it to someone who understands. I have a colleague who has a similar problem with his Mum and we share anecdotes about our aged parents!