Feel like ending it all

[RedEyedAgain]

I have a DD so that's just not an option but I can't see any way out of where I am.

DH is a problem gambler, I've been aware of this for a while. About 1 year ago he decided to quit, entered GA and counselling. We made some modifications to family finances to protect essential money and he only had access to his own spending money and for complicated reasons, the rent. He seemed really motivated to change and had loads of support, from agencies, his family, GP etc.

A few months into this we decided to try for our much longed for second DC and save to buy a family home.

At the weekend he woke me up to tell me he was still gambling, he'd only lasted 2 weeks without gambling since the last time. The amounts were fairly small but he'd used payday loans to raise funds after his own money had run out and he was unable to keep up with the repayments. He'd also used some of the rent money as a stake. He told me he had contemplated suicide on a day I'd gone out with my friends and left DS in his care.
All of our savings have gone paying off the most pressing of the debt, there's still debt left to be paid off monthly and so it will be months before I can start saving again.

I became very anxious and have been having panic attacks since I found out, especially at the thought of DD in the house with a corpse. I'm finding it hard to leave the house and to care for DD, who is only 2. I do have family support, they are aware and supportive but can only come only a day here and there so I have to rely on DH, which I hate as I can't trust him at all and don't feel I can leave him alone with DD. I've seen the GP, who gave me medication which I can't take until my period has come as they can be harmful in pregnancy. I've asked for and been refused counselling as apparently my response is a normal one to the situation I find myself in. DH on the other hand has a full battery of medication, counselling, CPN involvement, the whole works .

All my hopes for the future are gone and I'm left dependent on a selfish dickhead to help me get through each day.
I know I have to leave DH at some point but just at present I can't cope without someone else in the house, please be gentle.

Oh god, that's awful. Please don't bring another child into this mess. You know what you have to do, but take it one day at a time.

Look after yourself, and your DD. Extricate yourself from this financial nightmare which will never improve.

It doesn't sound as though you are at immediate risk of harm from this man, but your life will just slip away from you if you stay with him long term.

You can't rely on him anyway, and who knows what fresh financial horrors await if you hang about too long.

Maybe someone else can give you practical advice xx

Morris, if I'd known I wouldn't have tried to have an other baby with him but I'm sat here waiting for my period. If it doesn't come I'll be beside myself because,as you say, its a nightmare senario to have a child in but if I'm not pregnant I'll be devastated as this is a baby I want with all my heart.

Do you want to stay with him or leave him OP?

You have left me chilled to the bone thinking about your DD alone in the house with a corpse. You sound totally fed up of him & his addiction (no judgement here, I understand). At some point you will look to your own & your DD's wellbeing & will decide you want to go. That's fine & there's no shame in that at all.

First thing to do - phone the Samaritans www.samaritans.org/ if it gets too much & you are actually considering self harm.

Are you after practical or emotional help first? Do you want us to tell you how to leave & where to go or do you want us to talk about the stress you're under & the resentment you feel towards your DH?

Are any of these debts in your name? Perhaps get a copy of your credit report if you're unsure.

This is so not the end of the road for you. Debts can be cleared, by bankruptcy if necessary. You can go & start a new life with your DD. You have options. Your life is still bright

One, I can't get past that, the thought of DD alone and wondering what has happened to her dad, it makes me feel physically sick.

I've been left in such a state that I panic at the thought of leaving the house and can't leave DH on his own with her at all, I strongly believe he wouldn't physically hurt us but I can't expose her to that kind of mental damage. When he confessed I made him call NHS 24 who arranged for him to be assessed and they feel he was no danger to himself or others, that is was an escape route from his anxiety rather than a true want to destroy himself. I've also spoke to GA and Gamcare. Through Gamcare I've been put in touch with a counsellor and Gamanon, I'm going to a meeting in later on today. I've had a look at my credit report and its not affected, thank goodness but its sort of cold comfort as I have no savings or anything to fall back on.

I just feel so crushed, I had such hopes and plans and there's nothing I can do for them now. I just feel like there's no point. I'd worked hard to save up and all of it is gone. I'd love to leave him to it but our budget is so tight that there is no where else for the money to come from and the interest on pay day loans is frightening.