Those with Narc Mothers and enabler fathers - did you ever confront your father?

[Hedgehead]

My narc mother has behaved despicably over the last few weeks. I am afraid to even mention details as I am afraid of what she would do if she knew I was talking about her. To put it in context - in the past she has broken into my house, stolen my possessions, hacked my email, abducted my dogs, was violent towards me as a child and EA towards me as an adult, sent letters to everyone close to me telling them how pathetic I am. This is just to give you an idea.

Every time she explodes my father enters the picture basically saying that she has her ways and means that I "won't understand," that she likes to keep her problems "private," that she is "working through a few things." This is of course, the continuous understatement of the century, but nevertheless he manages to pull it off and he did so too when I was a child without repercussions and I assumed this was "normal."

A few days ago, she stole something precious of mine and he has once again waded into our debate and told me that I need to back off because she is very upset. SHE is upset about something she has initiated and done to ME??! He replies that I need to understand that she is "working through a few things" and to not challenge her when she does these things to me. I am seething.

Any of you had any luck challenging the passive fathers?

I am thinking I need to go NC. No doubt I will be accused of making a "big deal out of nothing."

No luck whatsoever. My DM is nowhere near as bad as yours and my long-suffering father's line is 'she means well'. I do tend to stick up for him whenever possible but, after fifty+ years, I am not expecting him to change personality or behaviour. I suggest you'd be on a similar hiding to nothing.

I didn't go NC with anyone but I did choose to move 200 miles away from my home town many years ago which reduces their involvement in my life. Not 'NC' but 'LC'... limited contact which I'd like to think is on my terms and to my timetable. As you are talking about violence, theft, poison-pen letters and other criminal activities, you may need to take a different tack. Someone who hacks your e-mail is unlikely to take NC lying down

No. My father is absolutely terrified of my mother's rage and ability to hold a grudge for literally weeks on end without speaking. At Christmas, he purchased something off ebay that was a total bargain while she was on the phone, and she screamed at him for literally days that he hadn't consulted her. She is a colossal bully.

I have always felt that he was in many ways as much of a victim of the behaviour as I was, and highly codependent in terms of his way of handling it. Yes, I feel like he should have spoken up at times as a responsible parent... but I also recognise that (like many victims of emotional abuse) it is easier to try to keep the peace. I think that gender roles make us forget sometimes that men can be the victims of abuse and can live in just as much fear as women can.

Thank you both for your replies

Cogito that's why I haven't gone NC yet, because I know it will lead to more "revenge" type behaviour. So I try to do what you do - LC - so it lulls her into a sense that everyone is playing her game but they are just otherwise disposed. The problems come when she knocks down a boundary, sometimes forcibly. I am faced with the choice of confronting and challenging her, or letting her push it over and withdrawing to even less LC. I feel those are my two choices. When I confront/challenge she explodes, usually violently, then my dad comes in about what a terrible person I am, upsetting an old woman like my mother. Am I not grateful for everything she's done for me?

Struggling100 I feel the same as you in that I feel sorry for my father, and did so for as long as I can remember - as a young child I knew something weird was up and I felt sorry for him. But then there are moments where he gets all content in his co-dependence (when he has finally earned her approval) and they get very close and quite poisonous together. Then, I am reminded that he has not been, and never will be, on my side.

I always think that if I talk to him the bell of truth will suddenly ring in his head. If only I could a explain in a way he would understand, that his life does not have to be like this - how I feel too. There is a child inside me wanting so much to be CHOSEN by her father, rather than excluded/bullied/betrayed. But he's never going to, is he?

If he didnt choose a good life for the child-you over her, then he's unlikely to change now you're adult, no :(

I think actually that after a certain point people are too ground down, scared and lost to leave. Though the nature of the excuses he makes to you sounds like he has kind of willingly chosen never to hold her to account. Nothing is ever her fault is it?

No, I have never confronted my dad, and my mum has behaved similarly badly to yours. My dad has had alcohol issues most of his life, so it is hard to pull out what was what.

I have had periods of NC, but my mum does not stay away, so we are low contact. I have actually called her on her worst behaviour, and I think it is more obvious now. I do what I can cope with, no more, and I don't feel guilty.

Part of the issue is my father's ailing health. I think my mother was, is, abusive, but I am less sure about applying that label to my dad. I don't want him to die when I am NC. I don't hate them, it is just sad. It has done a lot of damage. And no, they never change, all you can do is detach and change how you respond.

i would call the police and damn the consequences

I always think that if I talk to him the bell of truth will suddenly ring in his head.

This won't happen.
Confront if you must, but be prepared for it to backfire, or otherwise disappoint you.
He has chosen this life. If ever he un-chooses it, it will be in his own time and one his own terms - not because you opened his eyes (only he can open them).

I think you always have to confront and challenge. Limited Contact as you are doing but if boundaries are overstepped, then you have to stand up to the bully every time. If the violent responses include criminal behaviour then do contact the police. If she is simply doing the equivalent of stamping her foot and making your Dad's life unpleasant... i.e. not directly impacting on you.... leave her to stamp and tell Dad that you're sorry he's siding with the bully.

So you've tried and tried to have a relationship with your parents. And all you get is more abuse.

Time to cut your losses. Find the address of your local police station, walk in and tell the person behind the desk that you wish to report a theft.

My Dad is the most wonderful and supportive parent that I could wish for. My Mother is a Narc of the highest order. She has always resented the close relationship that me and my Dad have.

Interestingly enough she is actually worse in my Dads presence. Over the last few years he has picked her up on things/told her she is out of order etc. but in general he doesn't get involved. I don't blame him at all. He loves her although sometimes I wonder why - I just think he wants a quiet life.

we confronted/spoke to fil about narc mil- he is her enabler. FIL said that mil had a difficult childhood and we should make allowances.

MIL has a brother and sister who are just lovely relaxed people. As far as Im aware MIL was not abused in anyway but they were very poor. A lot of people have difficult childhoods but that's not an excuse to treat people badly. My MIL also uses tears and upset to get away with things, she loves drama as long as she is the centre of attention and getting her own way. She is the only 60 something women I have ever seen stamp her feet.

I used to feel sorry for my FIL but he's very protective of MIL, he's made his bed so he can lie in it. As far as I'm concerned he's as bad as she is. She says jump he says how high- its him that writes and sends the nasty emails/texts with her stood over his shoulder. Makes him as bad as her.

Do you have an ideas as to where the stolen item is? could you go and get it/ask your father for it?

hotdamn totally agree with what you have said- it will backfire.

In my case it didn't make any difference. My Dad had been an enabler for my DM's behaviour and mental health issues for over 8 years. Mental health services, social workers and myself have all told him he is her enabler. Mental health services pulled their services due to this, as he sabotaged everything they did.

I had it out with him over 12 months ago and he was just full of excuses. I put it to him that it was a bad as my Mum being a heroin addict and him going out to buy her smack for her. He was quite shocked at that comment, but still continues to be her enabler. I have gone NC and life is so much easier and less stressful. I just leave them to it now.

Mine are the other way around; narc Dad, enabler Mum. No, I haven't had it out with her. The way I see it is, she has her role as much as he has his. As much as he wouldn't be able to see that he is narcissistic, she wouldn't be able to see she enables his behaviour.

They're not even together anymore, but her immediate instinct is to protect him over me.

I do have a good relationship with her. I suppose my feeling at this point is that I know what it is, and nothing I can do can change it, and, more critically, it's not my responsibility to change it.

I could have written what you wrote whiteblossom, and I too agree with hotdamn.

My DH was convinced for years that when it really came to it, his father would come to his senses and tell MIL to stop her abusive behaviour. Of course he didn't, of course he supported her, and of course he still pretends he has no idea what we are all so worked up about. Genuinely amazing levels of delusion at work.

So sorry OP, but I don't believe this dynamic can change except from the inside.

Using different username for obvious reasons.

I have tried many times to confront my father who despite being the loveliest, kindest and wonderful human being I know, is a passive enabler to my highly narc mother. It has caused untold anxiety and heartache over the years - as a child I often asked my dad why, as a teen I would ramp up the questioning (as the behaviour unsurprisingly heightened) and got nowhere, and in adulthood have tried and failed. As has my siblings. It's a horrible situation. Her appalling behaviour over the years has wore my father down, and yet he stays and puts up with it, in turn sending out the message "it's ok". Yet on the other hand I feel awful for referring to him as an enabler, I also see him as a victim. Domestic abuse unfortunately is all too apparent for both sexes and takes the guise of many forms. I was in an EA relationship for years before it turned violent yet the fear and shredded self-esteem was deeply entrenched way before the first slap was given. I firmly believe that the reason I tolerated this relationship was because of my family life growing up, I believed it was normal for one partner to be controlling and resigned myself to thinking that was to be my lot in life, which happened at a young age I hasten to add.

Digressed somewhat there but in summary you can't hope to reason with an enabler, as they are either blind to it, or actively encourage, or may sadly be a victim in a lousy marriage/relationship who perhaps just feel they cannot leave. All we can hope for is that we never become that narc mother, ever.

My mother was utterly horrific and my father was a passive enabler, who also worked with her to isolate me from other children when I was growing up. I went NC with my mother (and by extension my father) when I was 25 and 6 months later she dropped dead from a heart attack. In the couple of years that followed her death my father told me about some of the shit that she had put him through. That was kind of the closest I ever came to challenging. I wouldn't bother now, as I can't see the point.

Reverse the mother/father thing and yes, I have confronted but not for many years. It made zero difference. I did it for my mother mainly, but she didn't want my help and preferred to remain in denial. I see chinks of reality coming though occasionally, but not enough to save her

I haven't gone NC for her sake, although it often bites me on the arse. LC and not talking about the elephant is the game we play.

I expect things will escalate and get interesting as one or both of them ages further and starts to need more care and practical support. I await events with trepidation.