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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner has no motivation and it is getting to me :(

6 replies

littlelamb · 19/08/2006 20:45

This is really getting me down I have been with my boyfriend for 15 months now, and we met while we were still at university. We are in the same year (different subjects) and i graduated in the summer, but he has to do resits in a few weeks because he completely cocked up the whole year. He has moved in with me for a few weeks,as his student lease is up, on the understanding that he is here to revise. However, he has not even picked up a book, and seems utterly infazed by the prospect of having wasted three years. I on the other hand had to work bloody hard to stay in uni, as I had my dd at the end of my first year and had no support from my family. This attitude just seems to be ingrained, and I find it unappealing to the point of being repulsive. I can't see what I can do to help him more than I already has, and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He honestly can't see what my problem is. He is in the middle of looking for a house, but doesn't understand that while he has no job noone in their right mind would take him. He hasn't even applied for any jobs Under these circumstances, is it fair to tell him to move out? I feel like it would worsen things for him, but at the same time it is really hard for me to cope with feeling so angry towards him. sorry for the ramble

OP posts:
littlelamb · 19/08/2006 20:47

oops forgive the spelling

OP posts:
neverdoneitb4 · 19/08/2006 20:49

Sit him down and explain to him that the way he is behaving is in danger of making you resentful and may very well end your relationship. MAybe once he sees how serious you are he might apply for jobs, but then again perhaps he wants to wait and see if he passes his re-sits before he applies for any jobs? It's a bit silly he has not had a summer job if he is a student.. most of the ones in my year all have evening/weekend jobs and summer jobs. You have been very supportive so far, but I don't see why you should have to support him and your dd after you worked your ar$e off to pass your exams.. surely he should think enough of you after 15months to not put you in this situation.

littlelamb · 19/08/2006 20:55

neverdoneitb4- he is not waiting to pass his exams because he has been talking about not even taking them in the first place . As much as I don't want to act like his mother, I really don't think he grasps what he is throwing away. He told me he thinks it is too late to start revising now. He just has such a defeatist attitude. This past week has seriously made me consider ending it which is very sad. But I have realised that I don't love him this way. I love the person he has the potential to be, but this current incarnation is just doing nothing for me

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wartywarthog · 19/08/2006 22:17

you can't stay with someone because of what they may become. because they more likely won't become that, but stay the way they are. if that makes sense... i think you have to state what you're prepared to put up with so he knows the score, and stick to your guns. whether that's letting him stay til his exams and then move out, or move out now if he's not going to study.

he's taking advantage, thinks life is dead easy - and it is! because you're making it all nice and easy for him.

don't worry about what is fair for him. he's got his chances and he's blowing them. now you've got to look after yourself and your dd.

littlelamb · 19/08/2006 22:46

wartywarthog I agree. By letting him be here I am letting him behave like this. I have been waiting for him to come home, I have literally no idea where he is. But i have decided that tomorrow he will moving out. It will be horrible to watch, but he has noone but himself and his attitude to blame I feel like I am being really harsh on him, but this is really getting me down. It feels like he is determined to continue on a downward spiral, and I will not watch him do it. So why do I still feel so guilty for making that decision

OP posts:
wartywarthog · 19/08/2006 23:57

i think you're doing absolutely the right thing. guilt is inevitable really, but try to ignore it and stay strong. you're just a really nice person! he's taking advantage and you're right to stop it. stay strong, and come on here for support.

in time you'll look back on this and feel relieved that you didn't get burdened any further.

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