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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I handle this

18 replies

lollipoppi · 02/04/2014 17:56

Don't even know where to start!

DP is basically a stress head! He works very long hours in a business he owns, we have money worries in that the business supports everything we own. I am a sham, But we manage. I totally get that this is a lot of pressure on DP

The problem is that when he is tired/stressed with work, he takes it out on me, and only me, an will somehow twist it round that I have caused him to be stressed, or I've not been affectionate enough ect
Once he has this head on there is absolutely no reasoning with him.

Today for example I asked him to have the children for an hour whist I went for a tour of a new job I'm starting tomorrow. He was too busy at the shop and went mad, I said it's not going to make a good impression if I don't turn up ect, now he isn't speaking to me because I've made him stressed

If I try to explain that he is the only person stressing it's my fault, I'm in the wrong

Oh god I don't even know where I'm going with this but he is due home soon and I just can't bear it, I have to just smile and nod and take the shit he will throw at me and apologise

OP posts:

KiKiKiKi · 02/04/2014 18:07

"I'm a sham but we manage"

That's emotional abuse OP, you should be an equal in the relationship, not an emotional punchbag. What do you get out of being with him? You sound very unhappy.

WipsGlitter · 02/04/2014 18:09

Are all of his stresses money related?

beachyhead · 02/04/2014 18:11

Some people do wrongly take out their stress on the people they love (and are closest). He needs to find a way to manage his stress levels appropriately and without transferring them to you.

I don't know how open he would be to talking to you about it or going to see a GP, but he needs to take control of this issue.

pictish · 02/04/2014 18:12

It doesn't matter what stress he's under, it is completely unacceptable to project it on to you and make you pay for it. That is considered emotional abuse.
He behaved like an absolute arsehole today.

Original poster

lollipoppi · 02/04/2014 18:15

I do start a new job tomorrow Kiki, I'm hoping this will relieve some of the money stress.

80-90% of the time we are great, but once he is in a mood then it all turns to shit, it can go on for days

I'm just sick of the one having to take the blame for everything (I'm not saying I'm an angel, I can be snappy if I've had a crappy day with the kids)

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 02/04/2014 18:18

taking your stress out on someone is not the same as blaming them for it.

Are you sure he wants you to have a job?

Original poster

lollipoppi · 02/04/2014 18:26

No I don't think he does tbh banter, but I need to for my own sanity , he kind of makes it out that I don't want to be a mum because it's too stressful, yes some days it is, but I want to work, I need to be something other than mum, cook and cleaner! I have a 1yo & 3yo, it's just 2 days a week

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 02/04/2014 18:30

Well I hope the job goes well and he doesn't make it difficult for you to keep it.

I don't want to say LTB.

At the very least you need to speak to him when you are both calm and get him to concede that it is not you causing his stress and state that it is not acceptable to blame you and any time he does call him on it there and then every single time.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/04/2014 19:03

Now you will no longer be a SAHM he can't use sole breadwinner status as an excuse for being grumpy. You've taken steps to reduce his stress by taking a job, while he's just going to look back and cringe at how petty and sulky he was today.

It will be interesting to see how much he changes once your job kicks in. He will be used to you covering the domestic stuff.

Original poster

lollipoppi · 02/04/2014 19:13

That's the thing donkeys, he won't look back and cringe, he totally justifies in his head that he has done nothing wrong.

He hasn't come home, I was meant to be meeting my new Tennent at a property at 7pm

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/04/2014 13:00

Okay suppose he is suffering not just from stress but depression. You said that the majority of the time life is good. Yet in response to his strops you have to smile and nod.

When you feel under pressure do you take it out on him? Does your bad mood hang over the house for days? How does he unwind and alleviate stress? Is he sleeping all right? Has his alcohol intake gone up?

You're trying your hardest to keep going. Maybe you comfort yourself his is a glitch and good times outweigh the bad? But you are already tired of being Mrs Understanding and starting to challenge his whinging.

Push for him to see his GP. He can self refer for CBT, if his GP won't.

lavenderhoney · 03/04/2014 13:42

How does he behave when you need support and feel overwhelmed? Are you supposed to suck it up or does he give you a much needed and wanted cuddle?

I hope you get your job. And don't rely on him for childcare. Has he thought how he is going to sort himself out or is that your job? So he can blame you?

Original poster

lollipoppi · 03/04/2014 18:48

He goes the the gym every morning before work, he doesn't drink

We had a massive blow out this morning, over the phone unfortunately, he said he isn't happy and offered to move out for a week (so I can appreciate everything he does for me)
He said that I'm adding to his stress if I say I've had a bad day with the kids (which isn't that often) but sometimes I have to stay indoors for days on end due to my DS illness.
I said that if I cant vent to him then who can I vent to? Is that not what couples do?

Anyway I ended up in tears before starting my new job but we sorted it out and we have spoke today, all is ok for now --until the next time

OP posts:

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 03/04/2014 19:05

I would have told this man child to move out--for good. Who the hell does he think he is?
Are you happy???

Original poster

lollipoppi · 03/04/2014 19:16

He soon changed his mind when I agreed to him moving out, I said if he is that unhappy then maybe he should, maybe he will appreciate everything I do for him!
I don't want that though, I just want us to be happy

He is a fantastic dad and he works his arse off to support us, I got home today and he has been home and blitzed the house (guilt maybe)

I am happy when everything is ok, I think we both are, but maybe once a month we will end up in this situation and it's just crap

He isn't home from work so I've not seen him since last night, but I have spoke to him. he has calmed down we will have a civil conversation tonight about it all
I really feel I want to tell him how upsetting it is for me when he gets shouty but I just think it will make things worse.

OP posts:

rumred · 03/04/2014 21:08

sounds like an awful way to live- being blamed and picked on. does he regard you as inferior to him? that's how he comes across.

being unreasonable and obstructive about your new job is seriously wrong. you don't do that to someone you love and respect

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/04/2014 01:28

So he goes to the gym every morning before work and by the sound of it doesn't get home until the DCs are in bed (how convenient if so). When do you get 'down time'?

I am sure he did blitz the house out of guilt.

lavenderhoney · 04/04/2014 07:33

I bet he changed his mind! Hope your talk went well op.

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