advice required on how to leave my husband

[needtoleave000]

My husband has been suffering from depression for the last year now, quite severely and at times was self-harming, he is now receiving treatment but nothing seems to have helped him. He is a bit of a drama queen and I'm not sure whether some of it is made up as his mood is fine when he is doing things he wants to do. He has been off work since October last year. He does nothing around the house, I work 12 hour days and still come home to cook dinner and clear up his mess. We don't sleep in the same bed and haven't done for 6 months now because he finds it difficult to sleep and says that it is because he doesn't want to disturb me. It has now all become too much and when I asked him a couple of weeks ago to for once prepare dinner for me I came home to find no dinner and he was down the pub (he has also been drinking a lot more in the last 6 months).
I want to leave but am scared. He cheated on me in our first year if marriage, tried to end our marriage again a year later and last year walked out on for 3 days and I had no idea where he was for 24 hours, he had people lie to me as to where he was - he went to his Mum's.
I feel guilty as I know he is not well but I am so unhappy and he doesn't seem to want to make the effort to get better and when I ask why he says he can't help it. I do have some experience myself of depression and suffered terribly about 20 years ago but had counselling and treatment and got through it.
Life is short and I'm no longer a spring chicken and I want to leave and be happy somewhere else.
Help please

Just do it, you are not his psychologist or his mother, he does feck all to help himself or the relationship, I don't blame you wanting out, it's sounds unbearable.

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship, you being out 12 hours a day, him being out drinking and both sleeping in separate beds.

Stay with a relative / friend while you are trying to find a place of your own, and move on with your life, onwards and upwards!

He's been staying with his mum the last couple of days as I suggested we needed some space, he phoned tonight to say he'd be back tomorrow and I obviously didn't sound very excited, he picked up on this and asked if I wanted him to come home, I of course said yes because I'm scared but did say things needed to change, that he needed to do more, take more responsibility around the house etc and he said it wasn't the time to talk about it!!! I reiterated that I hadn't been happy and he said we would talk about that hen he was well!!!!! I said that could be a long time and I received no response, I'm feeling very desperate tonight as I just can't see a way out

Have you got a friend or relative you can speak to, or go and stay at?

No not really

I've got friends I have shared with about what's going on so I do have that support most definitely yes

His comments suggest he does not want to change. Why don't you ask him to stay at his mums for now. Clear your head and see how you feel being on your own for a while. Do you have children?

Maybe write down everything so when you have your discussion, you have all your reasons planned. Sometimes, just the act of putting pen to paper is a release, and you may feel more optimistic afterwards. Plan what you want to happen, the next steps and then you know where you are going.

My child

Ok, sorry to be harsh but, as much as you love the cat, that is not a child. It is not as if you have to fight tooth and nail to keep a roof over its head or sacrifice things to protect him from having his heart broken or worry about how the split is going to affect his schooling, the way you feed him, his self esteem or the way he perceive himself.

There is no point in talking in the spirit of sorting things out, if you want out you want out, end of. You have it incredibly simple to walk out and go on with your life: you have a job, you have no children, you can easily find a new place. Check the conditions of the rent/mortgage, sit with your soon to be exh to discuss how to split the assets and move on.

When you say you're scared to leave, what is it that's scaring you?

A good first step might be to visit a solicitor to clarify your financial position. Just a preliminary enquiry, so that you know where you stand if you do split up. Maybe this will reduce some of the fear?

• that's a beautiful picture of your cat, btw. You work long hours and sound very unhappy. I'm glad there's something in your life that makes you smile.

You can do it, take your time, think it through, post on MN.

How despicable to use your own experience of depression to guilt trip you.

Thank you for your comments they are much appreciated and yes I know my cat isn't actually a child and doesn't need me etc etc. As far as why I'm scared, I think it's more the upset that I know it will cause which is inevitable so I'm not being naive but I'm sure he will use as much emotional blackmail as possible, i.e. if you leave me I have nothing to live for etc. He is ill at the end of the day, whether as severe as he makes out or not, and the fact that I want to leave him makes me feel incredibly selfish

If someone threatens suicide (even by saying they have nothing to live for, rather than straight out), then the advice is always to contact their mental health team, or if they haven't got one, or it's out of hours, then contact the police on 101 and report what was said. Such a responsibility is not your responsibility - if it does happen, pass that responsibility straight on to the professionals who are paid to deal with this. If that turns out to be the police, they will go round to his address and check it out.

I've been ill with depression, so have you, so has he, but you and I are not manipulative. It's a separate thing, and one of the reasons to split.

(You'll have to take my word I'm not manipulative :) I love my cat dearly as well, people were just worried about any DC that might be involved.)

Would there be an issue over who had the cat?

I love my dogs too, I still refer to my first one as the "first born" as he has been with me for far longer than my son, but when I split from my ex, compared to DS, he was the least of my worries, I knew he would tag alone wherever I went, and as long as he had his food and blanket, he would be just fine, as yours will be.
Having said that, before I had children I took a lot of decisions with the welfare of the dogs in mind (including staying at home more than I should), so please do not do the same mistake as I did.

You cannot be held to ransom because he is depressed, but the fact that you are worried about him makes me think that you still care about him and perhaps, rather than a split, what you need is a serious heart to heart on how you are going to work TOGETHER (he also has to do his bit) to ensure the relationship survives his illness. Relate can be great at providing an environment where you both can talk about how you both feel and get to an agreement on how to move on, whether it is about saving the marriage or leaving each other.

The fact that he doesn't even want to hear about how you feel would certainly have me wishing to leave him wallowing on his self pity to take care of my own needs (not that I could do that easily, though).

IMO there are 2 ways people approach depression:

-Those that recognise the illness, take steps to fight it, understand the issues that may have caused it, and change things in order to be able to move on. Those are the ones who, once they are out of depression, look back and perceive themselves as "survivors", and..

-Those who, on being told they are depressed, get in a downward spiral where they claim nothing can be done, identify the issues that may have caused the depression but instead of doing something about them, spend all the time passing the blame and not taking responsibility of their own actions or lack of. Problem with these is, that by passing the blame they disempower themselves completely, as the solution to their problems is no longer something they can deal with or sort themselves with a little bit of help from counseling and ADs, but something that another person (and the rest of the world) has to solve/sort/change for them in order to move on.

I would say that if your DH is in the first group that it may be worth it to stick around, but... if he is in the second... you can talk to him about how he takes more responsibility or leave him to it, because remember, your life and happiness are as important as his.