heartbroken and unsure what to do.

[sillysally1977]

Hi everyone I'm new to mumsnet and have signed up because I need a advice and a good head wobble about recent events.

Saturday 29th of March. I’m woke up to be told that my husband of 4 years would like to separate and has fallen for my fiend. Those words are etched in my mind forever. I’d like to say we’d been drifting apart for a while but that’s not true we were happy up until 2 weeks earlier when he spent a couple of nights away from our home saying that he wasn't happy. After those 2 days he said he would like to work through it. He wasn't able to tell me why he wasn't happy at the time so it was all a bit of a mystery and I thought it would blow over.

Anyway Saturday came and the bombshell hit. As hard as it is to believe; nothing sexual had taken place between them before that day and in his mind he need to separate from me before it could.

I’m lucky not to need him financially have a good job so in a better position than most. I’m fairly young ish and confident that if I wanted to I could find happiness again or a bit of fun if that’s what I wanted. As it stands i’m still in a state of shock and can not believe this has happened. Friends think it was an April fools….I only wish it was.

Fast forward to today (day 5) and reality has hit. He has lost his job, most of his friends (her partner was one of his best friends) and he is living with family. He’s apparently broke all contact with her and wants nothing more to do with her…I guess now the deed has been done its no longer exciting, He is not begging me to take him back and instead saying things like “I’ve fucked things up” “you deserve so much better” “I don’t blame you for wanting to move on” “I love you so much and cant believe what I’ve done” which all feels like emotional blackmail. I get it, your remorseful and regretting your actions…NO SHIT!

I have good friends around me with all sorts of similar advice. I don’t trust my own head which is so up and down but normal I guess which is why I decided to blog instead.

Background info:

12 years together nearly 5 years married.
teenage and young children
first time betrayal of that i’m 100% certain. Up until now he has never been that type.
I still love him or who he used to be at least
I believe marriage is important and should not been thrown away without knowing you did everything you could. I don’t believe in staying together for the children…no matter how hard it is for them now we would end up resenting each other.

If anyone is reading this and has some advice especially if you have been through something similar I’d love to hear from you.

The above is from a blog I've wrote earlier
cheatedwife.wordpress.com/2014/04/02/ive-fallen-for-your-friend/

and what HC said

Thanks for all the comments everyone. Feeling a little better today x

But they were involved for five weeks no, so he hardly waited until the marriage had broken up, what a joke. And, that's going on the premise that you believe his BS.

Sorry but I think it's worse this was your friend, and in fact his best friend's wife, that line should never be crossed.

Sally, glad you're feeling better, you've had a hell of a shock, I hope you have at least one good friend to confide in.

Let's assume that your DH is telling the truth, because there is little point picking over the 'what ifs'. The question is: how do you go forward?

It sounds to me like your fella is having some kind of mid life crisis (would his age be about right for that?) He's done the heartbreaking but utterly predictable thing of reaching out to someone who seems close and is possibly going through a similarly bad time. Unfortunately, that person happens to be your (now) ex-friend. (With friends like that...).

So you've been through a double betrayal.

For me, the question is: could you ever really trust him again? No matter how remorseful he is now, he has attacked the very fundamentals of your marriage and partnership together. It didn't have to be this way. He could have dealt with whatever shit he had with you at counselling. He could have spoken up about his feelings and frustrations. You could have had a clean, trial separation before seeing other people. Instead he chose the coward's way, involving someone else, and betraying the promise he made to you.

Judging him by the most favourable light, he has been a total idiot. Judging him in a harsher light, he's been a complete bastard.

The first thing I would say is: take your time over your next move. Make him move out, and get to a counsellor so that you have space to cry and be angry and express all the emotions that will well up. Accept that things are uncertain, and that this is how it needs to be for a while, and that that is OK. There is an urge to resolve things, to start again, to make a decision... but you can't 'just move on' like that. Whatever the future holds, healing from this is going to be a process not a black and white decision. If you do decide to stay together, it is going to take years of very hard work to get over this. It can be done, but is it really worth it? Could you be happier with someone else? Only you can judge. If you don't stay together, it may actually be easier for you to coparent successfully - this can be the best solution for the children as well as for you both.

One thing - it concerns me that you're having to listen to his protestations of remorse. Do NOT under any circumstances allow him to make you his 'go to' person for comfort of any kind. And do NOT be swayed by professions of contrition and self-reproach on his part. It is far too early for you to be able to hear those, and it is not your job to make him feel better for what he's done.

A pound to a penny he thinks that if he can show remorse and get you back, he'll get his job back, too. Arse.

Also - they had sex two weeks ago, if not before, on that weekend where he was finding out he was unhappy....

He wont be getting his job back regardless of what happens with us.