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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just need o get it off my chest

25 replies

noswingpark · 02/04/2014 10:08

I have nobody in RL to talk to, and this will probably seem petty and ridiculous and make me sound unreasonable. But I need to offload.
I'm desperately unhappy and it mainly boils down to sex. My husband won't talk to me other than grunt a reply if we go as much as 3 nights without sex. He is horrible to me and snappy and makes remarks about other men have bjs all the time. I don't like oral sex it makes me feel ill, giving or receiving. I have 4 children I have no space I get up at 5 but that is seen as an invite for sex. I can't have a shower alone. If when going to bed I take bra off because I'm uncomfortable that also Indicates I want sex. He won't hug or kiss me unless it involves sex. I shouldn't have to have sex just for someone to be nice to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

noswingpark · 02/04/2014 10:09

That should read *TO

OP posts:

sadnewmum · 02/04/2014 10:21

Have you talked to him about this?

Original poster

noswingpark · 02/04/2014 10:23

I've tried but he turns it around to make me feel I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:

RedRoom · 02/04/2014 10:26

It's not very nice to feel like a mere vessel for someone to have sex with, which is how I'd feel if I were on the receiving end of all of this. Since he thinks you have a problem, I think it's vital that you spell out that any woman would resent this approach to sex. It is clumsy, selfish and unsexy I think you need to sit down with him and explain that he doesn't seem to understand how women work. Grabbing at you when you take your bra off and ignoring you/sulking when he doesn't get sex are not the behaviour of a sexually experienced, sensitive, good lover. Instead, you need other intimacy, a build up, to feel loved and a sense that sex is actually about both of your pleasure, not just his. He sounds like he needs reality to slap him in the face, the selfish bugger.

FetchezLaVache · 02/04/2014 10:29

Does he not realise that his behaviour is highly unlikely to make you want sex ever again?? Poor you, it sounds awful. You're not being ridiculous in the slightest.

tb · 02/04/2014 11:55

Tell him he's making you feel like a blow up doll, and to keep his mitts to himself.

Ivehearditallnow · 02/04/2014 12:01

Have you always felt this way about oral or has there been a change? Just because, surely he knew this before - why is he expecting BJs now and comparing you two to other people's relationship?

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex if he is so pushy about it... doesn't he realise you would prefer to feel loved/special and not a piece of meat?

I would talk to him again. I was in a position once when an ex said that I was frigid/etc when actually it was things he would say and do that would completely turn me off/leave me cold. If you say that the when/where/how/why isn't just his decision I think you might find that you can both discuss your expectations and what it is you want...

Do you still fancy him?

You sound like you need a hug

fusspot66 · 02/04/2014 12:03

There is nothing wrong with you and a lot wrong with him. He sounds emotionally and sexually abusive. Read around the subject, get yourself informed. Hopefully the wise women of mumsnet will be along soon to support you. And I bet the nobody in real life to talk to has a lot to do with him as well.

Ivehearditallnow · 02/04/2014 12:15

Hopefully the wise women of mumsnet will be along soon to support you.

Oh, that's put me in my place

fusspot66 · 02/04/2014 12:30

Iveheard
I replied after the OPs 3rd post.
No reflection on you.

Ivehearditallnow · 02/04/2014 12:38

LOL i know - it just looked funny.
This thread has made me feel so bad for OP - it's made me think of a horrible man.

mummytime · 02/04/2014 12:41

His behaviour is not on or normal.

You must be exhausted with 4 children +him.

He needs to give you space and time. Coersive sex is not consensual sex.

Read Iveheard's wise words.

Dahlen · 02/04/2014 12:42

Your H is sexually abusive. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but there it is.

He won't be the first man (or woman) to want sex more than the other person in the relationship, and he won't be the first person who is unhappy about that and makes that unhappiness known. In itself, that isn't necessarily abusive (though it is still unwise if what you really want is more mutually desired and enjoyable sex.)

It's abusive because he's telling you he feels entitled to it regardless of how you feel and he is punishing you for non-compliance by blanking you and grunting at you. That's horrible and no way to behave in a loving relationship. You say you're up at 5am. Let me guess - are you the one who does all the childcare and housework in this home?

I'm not surprised you don't want sex with him TBH.

I hope you find the strength and support to deal with this.

Twinklestein · 02/04/2014 12:48

If you are being bullied into sexual activity that you do not want - by coercion, intimidation, taunts - then he is being sexually abusive.

It's clear from your account that he does not respect your bodily integrity, he does not respect your consent, he has a sense of entitlement to your body for sexual relief.

He sees invitations to sex where there are none. You must feel constantly pawed and harassed.

If you feel strong enough to stand up to him, then tell him that all of this stops. He does not touch you, try to have sex with you, mentions bjs that other men get - it all stops. You will only have sex with him when you want to. That his attitude is putting you off wanting to have sex with him, ever, and may even be putting you off him completely.

Of course - this is highly unlikely to work, his sense of entitlement may be too ingrained. His reaction will be anger, unpleasantness, emotional blackmail etc. He may stop for a while, and then resume his old patterns.

So you have to consider - if he does not change can you continue living like this?

It's absolutely correct that you should not have to have sex with someone for them to be nice to you. Equally you should not have to have sex with someone who is not nice to you.

Twinklestein · 02/04/2014 12:49

x post with Dahlen.

Twinklestein · 02/04/2014 12:51

OP may I suggest talking to your GP to get some counselling to help you deal with this.

badbaldingballerina123 · 02/04/2014 13:11

There's nothing petty about what your saying , what your describing is sexual and emotional abuse. I feel for you , I've had a similar marriage and its utterly soul destroying to be treated like this. Your home , and in particular your bedroom should be a safe haven , not the place where sexual abuse occurs and you cannot feel safe. How utterly horrific for you .

It's not your fault this is happening. My guess is he watches a lot of porn which is where he possibly gets his warped ideas from. As twinkle suggest , tell him it stops right now , and mean it. Better still , move out of the bedroom , don't have sex with him again no matter how much he sulks. Unfortunately he has learned that sulking will earn him a reward.

From what I know of it sexual abuse rarely occurs on its own . Does he call you names , control the finances ect ? Consider calling women's aid if you can face it. Be careful Op , this often escalates.

maras2 · 02/04/2014 14:08

Vile , vile man . He's a sex pest and a pervert . Call Women's Aid an plan an exit strategy . Don't let this nasty excuse for a man persuade you that what he's doing is in the least bit normal . You poor woman .

Original poster

noswingpark · 02/04/2014 14:11

Thank you everyone for such nice replies. You all seem to have it spot on especially in regards to finance he does control this. He works full time and is a club singer, I'm a sahm. I don't give into him often because in all honesty it makes me feel dirty and used. But the times we do have sex its never because I honestly want to I dont even enjoy it.
I'm shattered I have 4 children 1,3,6,10 and I feel I'm a great mother everything I do in life is for everyone else so sometimes I just want a breather so to speak. But even if we have had sex if I'm staying awake afterwards he sees that as a sign that it can start again. In the mornings I get up at 5 the children don't even wake up until 7. I do this as a chance for some space but even then he won't leave me be.
As for the oral sex its never been something I've done it turns my stomach to be honest.
I wish I had a friend or a hobby. I used to go swimming but he didn't want me doing that. I tried to take an interest in his club singing and I got dressed nice to go along one evening, my mother who I'm not very close to watched the children. But I was left feeling humiliated when he got this woman up on stage with him and they were all over each other whilst he was singing to her. I was just sat there miles from home in tears. Even that got turned around on me and I was told I was being sensitive and that this is how it is in the club singing business.

OP posts:

oldgrandmama · 02/04/2014 18:12

Good grief, he sounds a real prince ... (NOT). You poor poor girl - you shouldn't have to put up with this sort of abuse, and it IS abuse, practically to force sex on someone. As for not wanting you to go swimming, or, I imagine, have other hobbies, this is awful too.

What do you really want to do, OP? Is he 'talkable to' about this?

OneMoreChap · 03/04/2014 15:34

No one should have sex they don't want to.
Sounds very much like marital rape.

I'm very sad - and a bit surprised - that receiving oral sex makes you feel sick, but everyone is different.

Did you used to have a good sex life?
Did you want the kids? Did he?

Sounds like he's never really grown up...

deakymom · 03/04/2014 20:56

know how you feel my husband is constantly badgering me for sex he lost his job does not help with the house or children (other than driving ds1 to school if i take him alone i have to walk as i can't drive) my youngest is crawling all over me all day and my husband fights him for my attention when my other two come home i don't have enough ears or hands to cope i cook the food the baby screams at the gate he won't engage him so i have to deal with it by the end of the day im shattered and touched out then he comes over do you fancy a bit lov? NOOOOOOO!!!!! all day ive him chasing me for kisses while im holding dirty pants cleaning up after him and he can't be blessed to clean his teeth (or wash since he lost his job) he flashes his chest his parts everything at me and all i think is you lazy smelly sod i dare say people will say he is "depressed" he isnt he is just far more interested in reading a book or xbox to notice a life outside himself

AnyFucker · 03/04/2014 20:59

Marital rape was allowed in 1991 in the UK

Tell him this when you divorce him

AnyFucker · 03/04/2014 21:00

disallowed ffs

lavenderhoney · 03/04/2014 21:09

Op, it sounds awful for you. Is there a back story to having no friends and family? As you must meet other mums at school and at any toddler or baby groups?

I don't know how you put up with it, and he must know you aren't having fun. How long has it all been going on for?

Do you think if you didn't have sex he would leave? This might not be a bad thing tbh. You might find life a whole lot more pleasurable. I'm not surprised you don't want sex with him. Don't if you don't want to. And if you don't like oral sex then tell him not to. Has it always been like this? Tbh, it doesn't really matter. If you've stopped fancying someone and their sexual demands in bed make you feel ill, I think its very hard to get that back, especially with how he treats you outside the bedroom. He's lucky you're still there, tbh.

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