Can't move on

[onemoresmartie]

Hi everyone

Split up with my ex fiancé just over a year ago...I cannot seem to go a day without thinking about him and I cannot move on from him. He has been my only serious relationship we met when we were very young and together for 9 years and had a ds together who was planned. There has never been any real reason for the split except he said he wanted to be single but he is in a 'serious relationship' already with someone else.

I just feel like I won't ever meet anyone else and I don't want anyone else to be part of ds life

Anyone got any wise words?

How were things between you...any different than usual? Did you get some clue it was coming?

The only person stopping you from moving on is yourself

How are you generally smartie, do you feel depressed or sad at all, apart from the split?

Its difficult when there isn't a reason, if there's an affair or something similar where the lines of good against bad are clearly drawn in the sand then its easier to get some closure & move on. When no real reason occurs & its all a bit nebulous then it can be difficult to move onwards with your emotions as you don't have that strong anger to carry you forwards. At the moment you're in a half relationship, where he's gone but you're still hanging on.

Is it a possibility that this other serious relationship was an other woman, this caused the split & he has never told you the truth because he doesn't have the balls?

I split with my ex after 11 years he is my first - and only - love. It was difficult at first and still is, even though I've moved on. I have found contact just about our kids works. I see him for about 10 mins max a week as how it works one drops off at nursery one collects etc. How much contact do you still have!

On the one hand you don't feel like you will meet anyone else and on the other hand, you don't want to introduce anyone into your child's life. This is contradictory, so I would just make the decision to not date, not seek out a partner, and just enjoy being with your child. Focus on that. Strengthen your own life. You WILL move on. You deserve to move on.

You will move on when it's the right time for you, if you are at least open to the possibility.

When my marriage broke up I threw myself into work and my son and having a good life myself. Men just weren't something of interest to me. I had other priorities. This lasted several years and I think it was the right thing for me to do at that point.

When my last relationship broke up I was devastated (worse than when marriage broke up) but readier to move on and started a new relationship after about 7 months.

Different stages in my life, different priorities, different actions. Work out what's right for you right now. Accept that this will probably change in future.

It takes time. I know that sounds like a really lame consolation, but it's true.

He was your first love and you haven't really known any adult life without him in it. Him leaving is not the sort of thing you can "get over" in a few months; in fact a couple of years might be more realistic given your age and the timescale involved.

You may find counselling helps as it will help you examine why your life feels so bound up with your X's presence and therefore reveal ways you can disengage from him and move on to build a happier, single life. If you feel very low about it all, I'd really recommend this.

Alternatively, all you can do is wait it out and do your best to build that life anyway. Make new friends or grow the friendships you already have. Take up a new and exciting/absorbing hobby. Get together with other single parents (makes you feel less different and tends to offer much more in the way of social and babysitting opportunities), throw yourself into work... all those things will help, and the more of them you do that your X has never had any association with, the 'freer' you will feel and the more you will have moved on.

You may or may not meet someone else. No one can say. Successful relationship involve an awful lot of luck, although as you have to be 'out there' to meet someone, the more you build your life, the more chance you have of meeting someone who shares your outlook and goals. But I wouldn't recommend dating for now, until you feel you're over your X sufficiently.

As for DS, don't worry about it. Most single mothers I know (including myself) had this concern. It's natural and shows you are a good mum who will consider the effect of her relationships on her child. If you feel ready to date, and you meet someone who you like enough to have a meaningful and happy relationship with, you will find that by the time your relationship has progressed to a stage where it's appropriate to introduce DS, you will see it as life enhancing for you all, rather than a heart-sinking responsibility that has to be endured.

Hang on in there. It does get better.

Life is short, don't waste any more precious time mourning time spent with ex. You have a lovely DS from the relationship so not altogether wasted time, and I am sure later on you will look back the sad days from a better place.

Thank you all for your replies. We had words last night over access it's the only time we do speak - I try and not see him at handovers if I can avoid it as he looks and talks to me like dirt and it just upsets me...just awful how you can be so in love with somebody then they treat you like your nothing - I don't even think he has any respect for me as the mother of his child that I am doing my best to bring up on my own.

We had booked and paid for our wedding then he said he wanted to be single and left - later transpired that when I was pregnant two years previously he had cheated on me

smartie a year is quite a long time to still be thinking about him every day.

You sound as though you are doing the right thing my minimising contact which is obviously hard when you have a DC together.

When you say you cannot move on and that you think of him every day, can you be more specific so we can help you. Do you think of him in a romantic way, wishing you hadn't split and fantasising about what could have been? or are you still analysing the whys of the split?

What would "moving on" look like for you?

Have you had any counselling?

I don't think of him in a romantic way anymore and I know that it wouldn't work if we got back together we have both changed. Last year we spent a lot of time back and forth he wanted me back and I didn't want him and vice versa.
I think I just worry I will be alone forever and I'll never find someone that I love as much as I love him and I do wonder what if I had gave him another chance....

I haven't had any counselling

Even a year on and my divorce starting I never stop wondering what if, yet I know we would never work - even my counsellor agrees. Easier said than done but you need to focus on yourself and find who you are. Having faith that you will be happy is the hardest part and one with which counselling can help. Just keep yourself occupied and thoughts of him will diminish.

I think counselling might help you concentrate on raising your self esteem to the point where you really aren't that bothered about finding someone new as you will be excited and content with single life.

Just when you get that sorted some perfect bloke will come along and bugger it all up .

It will get better I promise.