Not sure who I am anymore....

[Sparklyheels]

Not a regular poster but look from afar and know how supportive you are. I think I might need some support.

I don't know who I am anymore and I think it's because of 'DH'. I have a toddler who I don't want to hurt by a separation but feel I have no other choice.

The straw that broke the camels back came earlier when (long story short) I took a call from someone about a building we have a business from complaining about problems. I asked DH to call the building owner but he refused saying he will tomorrow in his own time. I was so stressed and worried about it that I said I would phone this person myself but didn't have his number so would need it from his phone. He told me his phone wasn't working, then after we exchanged heated words he said 'your not having anything from me unless you're nice' and proceeded to hold his phone away from me so I couldn't get it...

Apparently I'm a psycho. Well I'm not sure who I am really at the minute so maybe he's right!?! X

'...not having anything from me unless you're nice'? Then holds the phone away from you?
That sounds very juvenile.
I would be very displeased at someone - anyone - messing me around like that. So I'm sure you're not a psycho.

Do you want to say more about what's happening- or just need a handhold?

Thanks wrdy, there has been a lot in our relationship. It started pretty early on with profiles on dating websites, with the usual excuses. I stayed. Been together 8 years.

I often wonder at what point in life did I decide that it's ok to be treated like that? He always turns it around onto me, there's so much that has happened. I'm not sure what to I really x

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are still being met here?.

You sound like you've been ground down by him and his actions over the years. TBH it is better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you are now. Your child won't thank you for staying if you are miserable and being belittled.

Thanks Atilla. I'm not really sure what I get out of it tbh, I think I have unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should be. X

Are you sure that they're unrealistic Sparkly? Try one of them here just to check as sometimes posters' ideas are completely normal but they have been so ground down, like Attila says, that normal now seems unrealistic & far fetched. Can we have an example of your unrealistic expectations?

(If I was upset & it was within my DP's reach to deal with the issue then he would, its not unrealistic to ask him to do this unless he's at the top of a 100ft crane or knee deep in a watery hole somewhere).

As to separation, its a complete fallacy that the family must be held together against all odds! A happy mother usually entails a happy child, & if you would be happier than leaving then its far better to do so rather than stay in a shitty relationship where everyone including the child is stressed & unhappy. Also think about the examples of an adult relationship your child is seeing & whether you want them to grow up with this as a model?

Hardly business-like behaviour, was it? It's not you that's the psychopath...

Really that when I'm worried our upset about something I have someone who cares enough to not make me feel like I'm stupid and pathetic. Even typing this I know it's not unrealistic, I'm a clever woman. But for some reason I feel as if I don't matter and no matter how much I try and make him see I do - it doesn't work x

Then the problem is him & not you, & unfortunately he's the only one that can deal with it. You're absolutely right, you're not being unrealistic.

If he doesn't regard you as equal to him then you can't force him to & you can't go onwards in a relationship where you are inferior & have to behave in some kind of twisted version of 'nice' that he gets to decide. You're not a puppet bouncing on his strings!

Can you see a future with him?

If your husband thinks you don't matter, and no matter how hard you try, he won't be convinced you do - then you're in the wrong relationship.

I think perhaps you are being unrealistic - only in the sense that your expectations are too low. I don't think it's realistic to think that a relationship will work with someone who behaves like this.

If you traded your "DH" in for a Cat/Dog would you feel more supported and loved? Because it does sound like that. (I'm not saying that you have to settle for a pet, but it might help with the perspective.)

I would though suggest taking a good stock on your situation and getting advice on how to disentangle your affairs. At least then you'll know.

For some men A Woman's Place is In the Wrong. No matter what you do, it is unlikely to improve unless he changes this unconscious belief. Which is unlikely I had similar, in some ways, stuck it out for decades till DC grown, then divorced.

I am an old gimmer and life is now good.

Your post struck so many chords with me Sparklyheels.

The way you describe how he makes you feel......being called a psycho,trying to make you think you are mad in some way....the childish controlling way he dealt with the phone....emotional blackmail etc .

I like you remember that feeling of everything being turned round to make out it was my fault.
Let me tell you that is just another ploy to detract from his abusive behaviour.
It is not your fault end of.
Men like this are clever with their words ..their tone and I know how full well over time it can almost brainwash you to believing what they say is true.

It's not unrealistic to want someone to be caring and supportive when you are upset..that should be a given in any relationship.
But I can understand that when you have lived with someone who makes you feel stupid and pathetic it almost becomes the norm and you think this is how everyone lives.

I stuck it out for 18 years....but when it started affecting my children I knew it was the time to leave.
I posted on mumsnet about my situation over 4 years under different usernames and then finally one day I posted a what seems like now a trivial post and with the help of the lovely people on here I found the courage to leave.
That was nearly 5 years ago and have only just returned to mumsnet recently.
I have since gone on to lead a happy relaxed life and my children are thriving.

As your thread title says "Not sure who I am anymore".......I became that person I was before my ex came into my life and you could too.
She is still in there...waiting to blossom.

Am not saying for one minute your situation is the same as mine as don't know the whole story with regards to what has happened in the past but I found mumsnet to be a great saviour in my low times and support from people when you need it most.

Thank you all for your posts, and vintagegal it sounds like you are a true example of coming out the otherside.

I'm still concerned about my young son the impact on him if I break the relationship.

I feel stronger tonight than ever, simply because we have just had another row, this time about sex and how I'm not 'spontaneus' enough. Well put it this way, if you had been with my 'DH' for as long as me you would want the lights dimmed too because of how insecure you feel. #nb me asking him to do this is me giving 'conditions' before we have sex rather than just doing it. Oh and me having a problem with what he is saying is me ignoring his feelings?!?!

Seriously what an absolute tool!

I would be more concerned about the dysfunctional relationship your son would see if you were to choose unwisely to stay.

If this is "broken" then your H alone has done that by his actions towards you and by turn your son.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships here?. He deserves to see happy and emotionally healthy role models of relationships.

I know exactly what you are saying, I do. I just don't think I have the strength to leave because he always has the upper hand.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about it and the prospect of the upheaval is a lot to deal with. We are very financially tied.

I'm trying to build up my strength but I feel quite lonely x

Sparkly, of course you feel lonely. You're kind of on your own already aren't you?
So many things said on this thread have struck a chord with me - but this thread is about you.
Trying to keep things together 'for the sake of the children' doesn't work. It's far better to make the break sooner rather than later before more and more of you disappears. I totally identify with wondering who you are - it's taken me a good five years to be able to start turning back into 'me', probably because I carried on and on for far to long.
So you're tied now, you won't be if you divorce - he will be the father of your child, and that's all. The financial stuff will sort itself out and you will be able to start again, one way or another, with the major difference being that you don't have to worry about someone else's reaction all of the time.
Make the move. Honestly, you won't regret it.

sparkly this is really sad.
Look up 'gaslighting'. Some of your dh's behaviour sounds really juvenile and it wouldn't surprise me if this was part of the package. Whether or not you can salvage the relationship (or want to) I would look after yourself and inform yourself as much as possible about how he manages to get the 'upper hand'.

Sparkly, you are not imagining this. His behaviour is unacceptable. Is it any wonder you don't know who you are at the moment. Your toddler will be absolutely fine with the separation so don't stay for the reason. In fact its an ideal time to leave. Being in a dysfunctional family will damage him more. All the complications re finances etc. will get sorted somehow but you don't have to stay with him for that to happen. Like other posters I was in the same situation as you are now and struggled for ages until I finally left with an 18 month old baby and one on the way. I can't begin to tell you how happy I was when I moved into our tiny flat knowing that my EXH never lived there and I could do whatever I wanted to without being bullied by him. At that time I use to look at photos of myself before I was with him and think 'who is that girl'. I couldn't connect with the person I was before him and it was a very unnerving experience. Needless to say the feeling passed when I got back to living my life without him. You are not stupid and pathetic and you are capable of leaving him if you want to. Go and see a solicitor and telephone Women's Aid who will give you the information you need to know. You don't have to rush into anything but being informed of your options will bring back some of the confidence you have lost. I wish you well.

My EXH locked me out of the house once. I came home from work and put my key in the lock - it wouldn't turn. He was inside with our 4DCs (all under 7) and told me through the letterbox, in front of the DCs, that I 'couldn't come in until I promised to be a good wife and a good mummy'.

I walked away and never, ever stepped foot in the place again.

Your DH and his 'be nice' makes me shiver.

There is a better world out here.

It isn't you. You know it.

That's abusive, shitty, humiliating behaviour.

Ltb and find yourself again.

Mushroomsoup

i can tell you what i cannot do myself leave its not you its him good luck and keep strong

Thank you Mamma. Best thing the twunt ever did for me!