What I would love to ask is how you find the courage to leave your marriage when your little gut voice (little but very important) keeps on and on and on telling you for years that things aren't right, but then your oh so clever with words DH, makes you feel like you are being a right selfish shit for considering it, and things are not at all that bad?!
To clarify, DH makes no effort with me or for me, hasn't done for years. Quite honestly he has never needed me, never needed to be in a relationship, doesn't want friendship, affection and support the way I do (though when we've nearly split before he says he needs all those things, just finds it hard to show it). I was deeply insecure when we married and just grateful he wanted me to be honest, sounds pathetic but it's the truth. He is miserable and moody. It definitely affects our 3 DC. However, they worship him and I can't bear the guilt at breaking up the family. I read in the You magazine in the weekend about a writer who wished her parents had split up as their relationship was so awful. Truthfully, I don't think my kids would feel that way. I could drift on to keep them happy, but I'm not. The trouble is whenever I try and raise it with my DH he is so bloody clever with words he leaves me feeling completely selfish and unreasonable! He'll say but we're both working full time, both running around after the kids and their activities, running a house etc, we're bound to be tired, when is there time to chat or cuddle up? We're both too tired for sex etc etc. This is just the way it is for now, it'll get better as they get older.... Actually that's not true, I'd always find the energy, I want it and miss it, he doesn't.
Do people with more than one child not hold down meaningful relationships? Do they not fit that someone special into their life and quite high up their agenda? He makes me feel like I'm asking for the impossible. He is very helpful around the house and with the kids, very hands on. But, come 9 o'clock, he's straight on the ipad, head down. If I ask him can we not sit and talk he'll say, right, what do you want to talk about? As if I have a specific subject to tick off a list! The older I get I realise I need someone to love, and someone to love me. But, can you up end your children's world for a Mills & Boon fantasy that may never happen? He's not my friend or soulmate and I can't go to him with my problems, and he's proper moody. But he's their dad, they love him and it all ticks over. He makes me feel I expect too much :( I've lost sight of what's reasonable for me, and what's reasonable to put my kids through on the back of achieving that.
My friend has just separated from her husband and says that she feels amazing but it's been really hard on her kids. She said to me the only advice she can give is to be 100% sure before you put them through it, but how can you ever be...?
Sorry, I'm rambling now, but feels good just to type it all out if nothing else!