33, never married, no kids....

[stormtreader]

I didnt think I'd be here.

I really thought I'd be married with kids by now but after my last relationship ended I cant even imagine finding someone to love again. Ive been dating solidly for 5 years and in that time met 2 guys I actually ended up dating, both of them broke up with me out of the blue saying they "just werent feeling any romance".

I dont feel like im emotionally ready to date again yet, and yet every day that goes by is another day ticked off where Ive failed and still havent met anyone, so Im messaging people Im not really feeling interested by on dating sites and then feeling like its a chore to reply.

How on earth do I get myself out of this awful place I seem to be stuck in?

I think you need to stop thinking of getting married and having kids as an achievement to tick off.

I used to think like that but unlike other things in life e.g. career, you can't get these things by just working really hard at it. It's a lot to do with timing, luck, chemistry etc. If you are in a place where dating is seeming like a chore then the chemistry required is unlikely to materialise. Don't date for a while and just concentrate on feeling better about yourself.

Also, don't fall into the trap of thinking that all people who are married with kids are blissfully happy. They're not. Your life can be full and fulfilled as a single person. Having no one to answer to is quite fun, I find.

I realise that given the state of mind you are in this is probably not going to help (and god knows, I've been there) but there is no point living your life on the basis of 'what ifs'. So you don't have a husband or children. So what? Concentrate on the stuff you do have.

You've got TEN years to find someone decent to have kids with, a decade. Don't be conditioned into thinking your situation is desperate and time is ticking away. It's BS.

Im messaging people Im not really feeling interested by on dating sites and then feeling like its a chore to reply
I do this!! All it means is your heart's not really in it but you feel you ought to make some movements toward finding a relationship, as it's what the whole of society seems to gear us towards. Well...is it really that important? I'm only a little younger than you and it took me years of being single and working on my career to realise that "marriage n kidz" isn't the only way to be successful in life.

You're not in an awful place, honestly!

Clear your head. Travel. Exercise. Yes choices are more limited after you turn 60 but you are still in your 30s, anyone giving you grief or a "What's wrong with you" look is really out of line. Better to be a confident successful single woman who is happy in herself than someone stuck with an incompatible mate just for the sake of being half of a couple. And if you don't get partnered up, I know it wouldn't suit everyone but you could consider single parenthood by choice.

Give yourself a break. The things people think they should have are rarely the things that truly make them happy.

I'd say go enjoy the freedom you have right now, concentrate on being happy in the moment…... and that relationships are often a matter of timing as much as anything else…you don't sound like you are ready for a relationship (or even a love affair) right now.

The awful place is in your head
Not the being single and no kids bit, right?

I've been married twice OP. It's overrated imo.

I have two kids. Knowing what I know now I wouldn't bother getting married, just find some way of getting the children.

Are you trundling around dating sites wearing a wedding dress? Desperate is no way to come across.

Build a career, buy a home, a life, some experiences, some savings, an awesome gym toned bod. Whatever, but be and appear independent.

Prince Charming may come along but more likely he'll get distracted by Princess Charming and go for her instead, because she's solvent, going places and hasn't wasted her life waiting around for a bit of romantic charity to turn up

In the same way you can only borrow money if you can prove you don't need to, and in the same way you can only get insurance if you can prove you'll never claim, your best shot at getting a partner is if it looks like you're in demand...make it clear that it's you doing the favour here.

ok the "trundling around dating sites wearing a wedding dress" did make me smile :) No im not doing that I hope!

Ive always been independant and happy being single, but I seemed to reach a point a few years ago where something in my head said "ok, single is fine but I think Im ready to have someone in my life now". I have a career and bought my own house at last about a year and a half ago, and I guess I thought that now I felt it was "the right time" that a relationship would come along to fill that new space.

My ex broke up with me a few weeks ago and I was so happy when we were together, I really felt like Id found what was missing and that it would all be good from here out, and now Im sure that was what I wanted, its gone. All my old hobbies just feel like makework now to fill the time that I should be spending with someone.

Ive always been the girl thats ok to hang around with but never the girl that guys flirt with or want to date, and Ive only ever felt that attraction to 5 guys in my entire life. I guess im just feeling that limited appeal + limited options = pretty much no chance at all.

The way you are feeling probably has more to do with your relationship ending rather than worrying about your biological clock ticking.

I'm 32, live in rented accommodation and have no children. I'm happy so that's all that matters.

I found myself around the same age having just gone through a long drawn out break up.

Basically, I gave up trying to find a relationship and just concentrated on having fun. It turned out to be quite nice, having a few purely physical relationships with no expectations and gave me a nice store of memories to live on.

Then I met my now dh.

I loved being single and am a big advocate for it. All that said, I think it's a lot easier to be that way when you've already had the marriage and the DC and being single is more akin to setting yourself free than it is being lonely. I'm not at all sure I'd feel the same way about it if I hadn't had children but wanted them, and ultimately we're a social species naturally given to pair bonding in most cases. It's not needy to want to find that special someone; it's what most of us want.

Sadly, while the biggest factor in successful relationships is sheer damn luck (in terms of timing, chemistry, etc), the best way to influence the small part you can affect is to stop caring. The more happy you are with being single, the more likely you are to attract the right types (assuming you have the luck to bump into them) and the more likely you are to find the relationship runs smoothy. It's a bitter irony.

If I were you, I'd impose a 6 to 12 month ban on yourself during which you are not allowed to date and during which you have to set yourself at least two goals (or one big one) and achieve them. Hopefully things will click into place naturally then.

Good luck.

I guess what I was trying to say in my first post is that relationships don't always fall into place just because you want them to, or think it is the right time. I was exactly like that, had concentrated on my career all of my 20's then decided when I hit 30 I wanted to get married and have kids. That didn't happen for me (yet!) although I did get engaged (ill-fated). Now I try not to compare myself to where other people's lives are at (although it is hard not to sometimes). Just because lots of people do get married and have kids in the 30's, doesn't mean it's for you. Also I do not want to 'panic buy' and get stuck with some loser for the rest of my life out of sheer desperation to settle down.

It's not needy to want to meet someone at all. I would like that too. But I'm not going to sit there thinking my life is rubbish if I don't. That would be needy. Focus on the good stuff, really, and eventually it will actually be good.

Hey OP. Just thought I'd chime in with the story of my brother and sister in law. Married when she was 35 and he was 40. Very happy with three kids fourteen years later, ranging from 13 to 10 years! As you would guess from the age gaps, they are permenantly exhausted but happy as Larry and great parents. It has actually been a blessing for them in some ways that they got round to it late. They brought a lot of independence, life skills and maturity as well as career and financial security to their marriage and parenting.

Hi there OP,
I'm also "childless-by-circumstance" (though different circumstances) and I too love MN! I lately have been thinking about, for me, whether my chronic disability means I should actively decide against having children because I just wouldn't cope well.
Not surprisingly I've needed resources different to Mumsnet to think about it - I really recommend "Rocking the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day, and the associated Gateway Women forums. This isn't about giving up, it's about continuing to develop your/my full and active life in the meantime and change the way I/you think about childlessness. I hope that might help you somehow as it has me.