Mother -In-Law is no mum

[Redlorry75]

My second baby is due in December, and I am starting to get a bit sad, as my mum was here for my DD, until she was 18mnths. Sadly she died last year. I miss her so much. She was the only person truly on my side no matter who or what I was complaining about.
My MIL said to me after mum died that she would always be there for me - which was nice sentiment - but she has never followed this through and is nothing like my mum. (by the way I am only child and dad died when I was 6)
She is so sour towards her sister-in-law, who we chose as daughters Goddmother, because unlike herself she actually plays on my daughters level and thinks nothing of getting wet or cold in the garden. She also favour my DH's brother and his wife and there daughter and bump (due Sept). As they live closer and I think because my SIL once told her that is she did'nt approve of her - which she did'nt when they met - then if and when kids came along she could forget about seeing them. Everyone in the family cowtows to my MIL wants and needs to keep her from sulking. And in turn my MIL is a puppet to SIL. I am so sick of the whole thing. I dont see why DH has to come second to his younger brother. Why cant they be treated equally. I really wish my mum was here as she was the only one I could vent to, and who would be showing excitement at the prospect of our second child, while still indulging DD with lots of love and attention.
Even Christmas is up the shoot this year as my SIL wants all grandparents to her house so we are out in the cold. Normally she wants to go to her mums and we spend the day with MIL and FIL and DH's Grandads. Grandad and Godmother are also a bit out in the cold so we are trying to work out how to get them to us for Christmas, but when MIL gets wind of this I think she will create merry hell, because someone else has our new baby to themselves while whe's elsewhere.
I could tear my hair out!
Dont get me wring I am not jealous, I dont want MIL living in our pockets. I just wish she'd spread her attentions accorss her sons more evenly.

Urgh, wish I had some words of wisdom for you - but only sympathy I'm afraid.

We always used to go to ILs for Xmas. I'm Jewish, dh isn't, so there was never going to be any debate where the children went for Xmas - it would 'belong' to the ILs. Then, lo-and-behold, since ds was born we've not been welcome there for Xmas. Either they go to SIL - who really got the hump with us (long story) and has never invited us to her house, let alone for Xmas - or she and her dh go to them and there's no space for us at ILs as well. But the way they express it is "Well we thought that, now you're a family yourselves, you would want to have your own Xmas." I fume every year, but I'm learning to live with it. I think it's very sad that part of the family can treat another part that way. My parents always want to come for Xmas, but dh wont agree - I think because he's so hurt by his parents' rejection of something they craved and which was promised to them, that he doesn't want it to be yet another celebration that my parents have with the children. He's jealous of my parents' relationship with their grandchildren - but it's hardly their fault that the other set of grandparents and aunty won't make any effort.

They lavish attention on SIL, but leave ds to get on with his life. There was even one point at which they were pulling him in two - he felt that he was being forced to choose between me and ds, and them. Deeply unfair.

Look, your MIL can't have it both ways. Either she's with you for Xmas, or she isn't. There is no reason why you should choose whom to invite according to her likes and dislikes - especially if she chooses not to be there with you.

Redlorry
It must be a really mixed time for you at the moment, and your MIL is certainly not making it any easier.
You do what's right for your family, and if she doesn't like it, tough!

Thanks for the support - nice to know I'm not alone. What a shame you DH can't see the positive side of you parents coming for Xmas.

MIL currently has a serious illness through being run down, which is as a result of her running around after SIL who seems unable to cope when with her daughter and PG at the same time. BIL works shifts and is pretty useless (so it seems to me) at standing up for his parents and being a supportive husband and father to his family.
MIL is round there everyday so SIL can rest do housework etc. Where when we asked MIL to come and stay when I was in hosp for best part of a week after a miscarriage my SIL could'nt spare her. I only wanted her to come and make sure DH was looking after himself as I know from the previous MC he tends to DD putting himself last and often not eating and wearing himself out working and driving between home and hosp, and so he could spend more than 20 minutes visitng because DD was with him and getting restless. All I can say is at least I know how I'm not going to behave when I am a MIL!

I guess your MIL is in the habit of seeing your SIL as the needy one, and feels like a hero for supporting her so well (though probably presents it as resentment that she 'has' to do so much), and your SIL is so used to getting all this help that she sees it as her right. And all else - and everyone else - falls by the wayside.

I so agree with you about knowing how we will not behave when we're MILs!

I guess so, perhaps I should start thinkning about it like that before I go insane - Thanks

Am now worried and paranoid SIL might look on this site and work out who I am - light blue touch paper and stand well back. Oh I hope she doesnt!

I totally understand how you are feeling. My Nan died last year, just before my youngest was born, and she was the only person who I could say what I really felt (most of the time) and was on my side. It is so hard to be alone in the world.
This week started okay with my MIL but she made a comment on Wed and that has really upset me and has led to my hubby and I having a row and me shouting at the kids.

NAB3, thats awful.

At least my DH is on my side, in fact he's a bit of an angel when it comes to putting up with rants against his mum. I;d explode if he said the same about mine.

I hope you resolve your argument soon. And I;m sure you can make it up to your children.

He mostly does side with me, and always would in front of her, but I wish he would tell her how it is some times.