Haven't bothered to name change for this. I just need some advice and somewhere to vent. DH and I have been married for seven years, have DS who's nearly two. DH is not a bad man, but in recent months some things have really annoyed me and I don't know what to do. He has always struggled to deal with conflict. Him getting angry about something usually results in him doing the 'silent' thing and refusing to engage until he has calmed down. At first I really struggled with this and would get angrier and angrier with him which made it worse, but in more recent years I have tended to leave him alone until it blows over. We have talked about it several times and he knows he is not great with conflict but did agree earlier in the year that he is getting better.
He has a busy, stressful job and this affects him quite a bit. In recent months he has been very stressed and a lot of this seems to have manifested in him sitting around saying how tired and run down he feels. He is a great dad and is not the sort of person to sit around all day doing nothing, but I feel as if it's whenever we're alone or have downtime together. It frustrates me. I'm permanently tired as well. We have a toddler and I also work FT. But I don't sit around moping about tiredness whenever I get the chance. I told him a couple of months ago that I often feel as if he doesn't want to speak to me. I feel as if me trying to have conversations with him annoys him. He did make the effort to be chatty for about a week but then things tailed off again. It stresses me out because I feel as if I'm constantly trying not to annoy him and when I do I really beat myself up about it. I feel as if I'm not allowed to get angry or show any rage. I don't really know why that is, I think it goes back to the early days of our marriage when he got really shocked and angry by me showing anger towards him.
Last night DS had a tantrum at dinner about not wanting to eat it. DH exacerbated the situation by getting stressed with him, before storming off. DS continued to cry and scream until I got cross with him, having spent time making a meal that he would usually love. Am not proud of this but I took him upstairs and plonked him in his room. I sometimes feel as if I have to be heard tl be disciplining him in case I get accused of beinf soft on him. DH stormed back in, got DS and tried to make him sit at thr table. DS wet himself and I got more stressed. DH scooped him up and took him upstairs to comfort him, completely shutting me out.
Once he was in bed I sat for ages trying to figure out how to broach the subject. Eventually I told DH I wasn't happy with how dinner had gone. I was in tears but was calmly trying to put my point of view across. I told him I felt as if I was being blamed. Sure enough, apparently it was my fault for a) not cooking the vegetables for long enough and b) taking DS to his room. I was pretty speechless tbh. I said something about the fact that I always try my best with him, and at this point DH stalked off to bed without another word.
I think this all sounds pathetic. I feel like such a doormat in situations like that because I feel totally unable to show anger and know that he won't engage. I know I won't get an apology. Sometimes all I want is for him to say sorry. He uses the fact we don't have a hugely active sex life as a weapon against me sometimes, but I struggle to muster up any sex drive most of the time. That has been an issue for years and he sees it as my issue but I think it goes both ways.
I am so angry and upset and don't know how to go about changing the way he deals with conflict. I don't even know where to start. I doubt he would want to talk to someone as a couple. I know what will happen - he will eventually go back to speaking to me (probably at some point today). This post makes him sound horrendous but the majority of the time he is a good husband and dad. I just don't know how to mkve forward on this. Any advice much appreciated. I feel as if I have no-one to talk to about it all.