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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

There really is no going back from this is there?

49 replies

scaredandangry · 28/03/2014 20:54

"DP" and I had a big argument Saturday night. He was out doing something that ran over and we were supposed to be going out after for a night out as we haven't been out together in ages but as time went on it became apparent that he wasn't going to be back in time and I was dressed up with nowhere to go. It wasn't his fault as it was beyond his control and he did try to keep me posted on what was going on where he was as much as possible, but was another example of why I feel I come last in his life. I have had an awful time due to various health things over recent months and needed this night out as a way of feeling normal again I guess. I was out of order, told him I was fed up with being put last most of the time and made him feel bad when the thing he was doing was scheduled before we planned our night out anyway. I guess neither of us realised it would go on for so long.

We went to bed and I had been crying and upset which I seem to be a lot lately. He woke me up at about 4am taking my knickers off which he sometimes does and which normally I enjoy. But this time was different. He was so angry with me and kept saying he was going to shut me up for having a go at him earlier. He put my legs up which really hurt and I told him it was hurting me but he said he didn't care and carried on. I didn't tell him to stop, just to let me put my legs down but he didn't care that he hurt me.

The next day I was so upset and told him I felt he should never bring an argument into the bedroom. His response was that I sometimes like it rough, which is true, but this time felt different because he was so angry at me and it wasn't enjoyable. He never said sorry. I asked him how he would feel if one of his daughters had this done to her by a boyfriend but apparently this is irrelevant and I am being ridiculous to say that.

So there is no way back now. He has crossed the line and I feel empty and sad that he could do this with no sorrow or regret whatsoever. And I am going to have to end it otherwise I am giving him permission to treat me like this again. But I am going to be so lonely as I have based my life over the past 2 years around him and his children whom I love as much as I do my own.

Not told anyone in RL but it feels cathartic to get it out on here

OP posts:

ListenToTheLady · 28/03/2014 21:38

Not thats not weird. If talking on here helps, that is a great start, and for now you may find a GP or counsellor the easiest RL option.

Everything you're saying speaks of how hard this is for you to get your head round and wanting to be able to make it go away. That is completely normal.

Cabrinha · 28/03/2014 21:41

Oh you poor thing :(
Please speak to Rape Crisis, he raped you.
He wasn't crying today because he knew what he'd done. He was crying crocodile tears to manipulate you into caring for him.
Don't fall for it darling.
Speak to Rape Crisis, and Women's Aid if you need help to leave. They can help refer you to the right people to support you through dealing with the earlier sexual abuse too.

OurMiracle1106 · 28/03/2014 21:44

Please phone rape crisis. I did for one count of sexual abuse at 12 sexual abuse throughout my marriage (including dragging me kicking and begging into the bedroom and telling me it was his right) and once after

I would Nt be able to stay with anyone like that. I'm so sorry though I did for 5 years

Fattyforever · 28/03/2014 21:47

You may not feel it right now but you are being incredibly strong! Your dealing with this rather than taking the easy option of just letting it go. I'm sure you will get all the help and advice that you need from others that know what they are talking about xx

tribpot · 28/03/2014 21:51

Please get yourself to a place of safety. This is staggeringly selfish: he was crying when I woke up and said it was because he felt I was unsupportive of him which is why he was upset.

He raped you and then he blamed you for it. He used it to punish you. Please get yourself away.

Original poster

scaredandangry · 28/03/2014 21:55

I think I am just a coward. A stronger person would have left before it came to this. But even now I am scared to let go because I am afraid I am going to be lonely again. I love his children very much and I am going to lose them. Most of my friends have their own families / children and are unavailable a lot of the time. I am terrified of being alone but this is what is going to happen.
Rape Crisis seems to be being mentioned a lot. I never considered it to be this up until now I guess. But I will sleep on it and see how I feel. I don't think I know how to verbalise it at this moment though. Writing it down seems easier

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/03/2014 21:56

scaredandangry How you feel is real. Talking about it to somebody you trust isn't going to make it any more real, it will just mean that somebody else has the opportunity to support you and that you have the opportunity to talk without being told that 'you need to leave', 'he's a rapist' and the ever-helpful, 'I couldn't be with somebody who did that'... because it's YOUR life and you need to come to terms with your feelings about your husband. Would he be willing to move out for a little while whilst you sort your thoughts?

If you have a friend you can speak to, please do - as soon as possible - and make sure that they have the time to listen to you properly, without judgement or trying to 'fix it'. You'll do your own fixing when you have processed the pieces and decided how they will fall.

Can you go and see your friend this weekend, perhaps?

Original poster

scaredandangry · 28/03/2014 21:57

For all those who are worried for my safety. We don't live together. I spend a lot of time at his house, probably most of the time really, but I have always kept my house on too and this is where I am now so I am not in any danger. Thank you for your concern and support x

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredandangry · 28/03/2014 22:00

The friend I will probably tell in time has an awful lot on herself at the moment so I am going to have to wait a while I think. The only other person who I might be able to talk to is ironically my ex partner from a couple of years ago. We were together for just over a year but are still the very best of friends. Bit I do think I would rather talk to a female friend about this if I can

OP posts:

ListenToTheLady · 28/03/2014 22:00

It's awful about his kids, but you cannot allow his treatment of you to be some kind of price you have to pay. If you let him you it's acceptable, all the indications are that it will get worse.

Remember you may know his kids again in the future, and remember if you are single you may meet someone else. You can still make new friends. Your life is not over.

Does he have an ex (his children's mum)? – obviously you would have to tread carefully but if you know her, she might be a helpful person to talk to at some point.

ListenToTheLady · 28/03/2014 22:02

Sorry, yes I am saying leave him, and Witch is right it's your decision not ours. But I'm reflecting the OP's original statement on this and trying to support it.

justwantitmadeforme · 28/03/2014 22:07

you aren't in any way a coward OP. you've had a shock, a horrible nasty one. it takes time for them to sink in.

you don't have to do anything until you feel ready.x

Hissy · 28/03/2014 22:08

My love, this man has shown you who he is.

Believe him this first time.

He's abusive, and will only ever get worse.

You don't have kids with him, and you have dc of your own to care fore and protect.

End this today, right now, and don't ever go back. You can deal with the feelings later, now is the time to make the wise decisions. Regardless of how much it will hurt.

Long term it'll hurt you a lot less, and doing the right thing now will show your dc that women need to be respected.

mumatwork999 · 28/03/2014 22:13

OP you are right - he has crossed a line and I think he knows it but is trying to bully you into thinking he is justified in his actions. He is not. Send him packing.

RandomInternetStranger · 28/03/2014 22:26

Run and never look back.

LEMmingaround · 28/03/2014 22:44

you know, his comment about never making love to you made me feel worse for you than the original crapness.

I was wondering if you could access some counselling? did you ever have any to help you with the childhood abuse? It will be that outlet you need, im not sure confiding in an ex is a good idea if i'm honest. A counsellor will act as a sounding board and is trained to help you deal with this.

You are actually better off on your own than with a man like this, he will suck the life out of you. I think a period of time on your own will be good for you, once you love yourself you will find someone who will love you for you. You don't have to settle for pathetic little men like your DP, there is someone decent out there for you.

Original poster

scaredandangry · 28/03/2014 23:21

Just off to bed now after a long bath. We don't have DC's together thank goodness which is one blessing in all this. I always thought a man who has daughters like he does and treats his daughters well would do the same for his partner too. Obviously not. AS Lemming said he has already sucked a lot of life from me, even from before all this. I have gone from a relatively bubbly person to a needy insecure wreck and some of that is down to the way he treats me and my pathetic need for his love. I could go on for a long time about things he has done in the past, none of which are abusive as such, but still breathtakingly thoughtless. I have never really felt that he values me much which makes me want him to love me more. I sound like a ten year old, I know, and not a (believe it or not) relatively successful woman in her thirties.

I do think counselling is a good idea, not just because of this but from the issues in my childhood too because I do honestly believe if I had not had the upbringing I did, I might actually value myself better and make more wise decisions, rather than clinging to the wrong person so I don't feel lonely.

Thank you for all your support and validation. He often convinces me I am irrational when I am upset over things that have happenned, including this, so it is reassuring to know I am not alone and that he is 100% in the wrong.

OP posts:

ListenToTheLady · 28/03/2014 23:33

Goodnight scared, sleep well.

BlueFrenchHorn · 29/03/2014 07:05

How are you feeling today OP?

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/03/2014 07:10

If you think you are scared of being alone, it's probably because he has convinced you that nobody else wants you.

You are not married, have only been with him two years. Instead of thinking of it as a waste of two years, think of it as a good training course in how not to end up in a deadbeat marriage and bin this loser today. This is the reason that we date before marriage, to weed out these nasty people.

He raped you. There is no coming back from that and even if you don't go to the police, or rape crisis, please end this relationship today.

18yearsoftrying · 29/03/2014 07:35

"You like it rough" does not equate with "He said he didn't know what he was doing".

He is unable to take responsibility for his actions.

pilates · 29/03/2014 07:37

In answer to your question no. That is truly awful.

I'm glad you have your own home so you have somewhere to escape to. I think you know deep down what you need to do.

Good luck and stay strong.

43percentburnt · 29/03/2014 07:38

I hope you are ok op. Speak to your friend, she may have a lot on but she will definitely want to be there for you. I know I would for a friend regardless of how busy I was.

Take care

RedRoom · 29/03/2014 09:25

I hope you are okay today, OP. What he has done to you is terrible. You are so right to listen to your instincts and get rid of him. No good man would do this to you or make you feel this way. You deserve so much better. You have talked about the way you value yourself: the one thing that you could do right now to show that you are a valuable person is to walk away from this man in the knowledge that you will be better and more fulfilled without him. You will be, you really will.

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