Potential new man but alcohol issue.

[Florrieandthestraw]

This might be a bit long but I could really do with some advice.

I have been separated for over five years now and in that time have not had a relationship nor wanted one. I am a lone parent and tbh that takes up lots of time.

I have variously described myself to my GP and a counsellor as having a low libido and have even referred to myself as asexual. As such the last thing I have wanted is a relationship.

A few months ago though I joined an evening group which I have thoroughly enjoyed and have met a man who is lovely. At the moment we are just friends and I suspect that I will keep it that way.....more of why in a moment.
He is the first man in a long time about who I have had any sexual feelings. ...he is lovely and we get on really well. I know from another source that the feeling is mutual but.....this man is a drinker.

I cannot solve his drinking...I know that has to come from within him.

However, I am bothered massively by the fact that the first man I have really fancied in a massively long time has all these issues which are raising massive red flags to me.

Looking back over my previous relationships I have realised that all of them came with one issue or another and that I am a bit of a "rescuer". Realising this has been enlightening as I am keen to avoid past mistakes. But how do I deal with these feelings at the same time. The fact that I fancy this man so much is driving me nuts when I know I cannot act on it.

Please...any advice on what I can read or think about to help me deal with this.

I do have a counsellor and am looking at the "drama triangle" but it's hard going.

Am so frustrated with myself and these feelings.

What is his attitude to the drinking? How much is he consuming? Is he aware of a problem?

I would proceed but with definite caution. Maybe just have a few dates etc. but don't get all couple-y or committed. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun with a companion, and no need to think about the longer term yet.

Thank you, yes he is aware of the problem and has made attempts to stop in the past. He drinks less than he used to but still significantly too much and more when very stressed. He uses alcohol to keep himself relaxed...he says that it started when he had a massive breakdown 15 years ago.

Now having had mental health issues myself I am aware that alcohol abuse can become an issue very quickly if relied upon as a prop. I have never done this but when I had serious depression I noticed that a glass of wine could make me feel significantly better....I went straight to my GP for support and went on to anti depressants but it was an eye opener and for the first time I could see how someone might become an alcoholic.

He is drinking up to 8 cans of lager a day and says he has money issues due to the alcohol....that sends up another red flag to me too.

On the other hand as a friend I could offer support/friendship if he wanted to stop. I feel trying to do the same in a relationship could be too difficult.

It's a shame as he is a lovely man and we get on so well.

"On the other hand as a friend I could offer support/friendship if he wanted to stop. I feel trying to do the same in a relationship could be too difficult".

He is and was still using alcohol prior to meeting you; you cannot make him stop and he does not want your help and support. You would be too close to the situation to be of any real use to him anyway. He is an alcoholic and is physically and mentally dependent; he is using it as a crutch to deal with life.

It is a pity but you cannot afford at all to keep seeing this man. All you will end up doing is trying to rescue and or save him; you already state that you have an rescuer tendency so that needs to be addressed properly first and foremost. You need more time and space on your own; a flawed relationship like this one if the last thing you need.

I would suggest you also read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Love your own self for a change and reign in those ultimately destructive rescuer/saving elements you have.

Read up on codependency, Melodie Beattie is good, or Codependency for Dummies. You might see something in there about why you desire even need difficult relationships. If you live near a CoDA (all about your relationship with yourself and with others) or Al Anon meeting that could be helpful to go and work through why you are attracted to him despite his big red flags. Having been married to a man just like that I can only say run run run like the wind, run away and don't look back.

Don't go there.
Do whatever you have to do with your counsellor and read the books that have been recommended to you in order to rid yourself of 'stray dog syndrome'
I am from a family of 'drinkers', they bring nothing but crap and heartbreak.

You cannot do this. Walk away. You will end up hating him when you realise you can't help him. FWIW if he is admitted to 8 cans a day, he drinks more. My father was an alcoholic, my first serious relationship was with an alcoholic - we have a child together - 30 years later he is still drinking and leaving him was the best thing I could do. I also broke the dependency cycle. Well as much as I could. My parents both required a lot of help. Follow the advice of previous posters too.

Thank you all for clarifying what I was really thinking. Yes am so relieved that I have picked up these issues before any relationship.

No I won't "go there", I will just continue with the evening course and remain friendly.

Thank you for the book recommendations too as I think they will be helpful.

I suppose that I should be pleased for having recognised the issues.....All new realisations for me :-(

Thanks again all, downloaded first chapter of the Women Who Love Too Much book, it's brilliant and have ordered a hard copy.
Read the first chapter....talk about a wake up call!
Have learned so much about myself over the last few weeks and it's very powerful as an insight into myself.

Saw the man at the evening course last night. Nice chaste but it reinforced my instinct not to go there.

"Chaste"!!!

Meant "chat".

Good for you. As the ex of an alcoholic (now with 2 kids), and as someone who saw red flags but didn't really recognise them I second all the "don't get involved" advice.
Putting yourself forward as a good friend/ support, all that stuff is just not a good idea. I was a bit of a rescuer, probably still am although am more conscious today. But it's a waste of time!!

Definitely better to avoid. Good luck.

I think you could psychoanalyse the crap out of this... you the rescuer that 'loves too much' etc.... but the bottom line is that you found someone sexually attractive, even if you've realised subsequently that he was a bit of a non-starter. So your judgement and your libido are functioning normally and you're not asexual. Pretty normal, I'd say.

Thank you all .

Yes agree that I could indeed psychoanalyze the crap out of all this lol.

Bottom line for me is that THIS time I have recognized these issues...in the past I have not. Looking back on last relationships with this insight is a bloody amazing revelation. Even some of my friendships have been based on me as "rescuer".

As a person I am caring about others...that is what's natural for me but recognizing my issues (difficult childhood etc) and looking at where this tendency to rescue might come from is very powerful.

I have loads of friends that I meet up with for coffee now and then....often the group from the course I am on meet up....and I am more than happy to do this and remain friendly with him but not going to get involved at all.

Obviously if he wanted to stop drinking he would do it...but it has to come from within HIM. As a friend I would listen but am not getting sucked in to it all...I just can't and won't.

Bloody well done for spotting the red flags early and making a sensible decision! I hope all women are able to reach the point you reached today!

Thank you so much to everyone who responded and a special thank you to Atilla for suggesting the Women Who Love Too Much" book. Have got a copy here now and it is painful reading......I have never before picked up a book and thought "bloody hell...that's ME being described". Shared it with my counsellor and we had a good discussion abut it.

If I think of counseling as a peeling back of layers then I feel I have just reached a layer with probably multiple layers. Have to keep putting the book down as it is an emotional read.

But am okay.....for the first time I am approaching something rationally.

Not a flippant question ..What brand of Lager ??

seems to be Carling or Fosters from what I can gather.

Well its 5% if its that brand, but that still equates to 20 units per day , which is health problem territory , the recommendation is 21 units per week which is total bollocks no one drinks that (well anyone who drinks at all ) Yer mate is drinking 140 units a week , that will kill you one way or the other, or someone else if he loses his temper , which he will........

Very sad...both his parents were alcoholics apparently. Not getting involved with it though except as part of a friendly group of people.