Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Ostracised by mother-in -law!

20 replies

catemary · 18/08/2006 09:18

Has anyone been through this one? My ex and I are divorced but get on pretty well and have good arrangements s regards our kids. My in-laws live a couple of hours away and see their grandchildren maybe 3 or 4 times a year - it was like this even when we were married. They always ask to see the kids at short notice and I always shift my arrangements so they can see them. Last week they were having a party on their boat and wanted the kids there. I willingly let my 5 year old go but I wasn't happy to allow the toddler to go as the boat was moored at a marina close to deep water - and I would just have worried all day. Explained this to ex and he was fine. But now I find out mother-in-law has been calling my all kinds of names to the family, saying I've deeply insulted her and never let her see the grandkids. She even sent gifts for my 5yr old but not the 2yr old, saying she couldn't have a gift becuase she didn't come to the party. I feel really aggrieved as I think I've always been fair to them - am I overreacting!!!!!!!

OP posts:

LucyLemon · 18/08/2006 09:38

What a cow. Her not you!
I would have done exactly the same....and would have been worried about the five-year old too.
She sounds awful and you must simply rise above it. It is obvious she is being unreasonable and there is nothing you can do. Have you discussed the latest with your ex - re pressies?

Original poster

catemary · 18/08/2006 09:57

No, though he said he would try and smooth things over with his mother. I can't believe someone would punish a 2 yr old in this way - not like it's her fault. The worstb thing was this was said to my 5yr old, which was crap. She walked through the door with armfuls of b ooks and toys - and not a thing for the littlest one.

OP posts:

Original poster

catemary · 18/08/2006 09:59

And yes, I was worried about the 5yr old too but t least she's sensible enough to follow instructions about staying away from water and can swim!!! I just don't think a boat is an appropriate place for party with kids

OP posts:

Tommy · 18/08/2006 10:07

your ex is the one who has to deal with this and he has to be firm and explain exactly why you both didn't want the 2 year old to go and that she is being unfair.
Don't envy you at all - it sounds like a very unpleasant situation

Original poster

catemary · 18/08/2006 10:08

She's always acted like the most hard done to woman in the world. Bit pathetic reallh

OP posts:

CaligulaCorday · 18/08/2006 10:09

SHe's an absolute bitch.

What does your ex say about it? Does he realise that punishing a child because of your dislike for an adult is a mean minded, petty, vindictive and utterly unacceptable thing to do? Or is he being flabby about it?

Original poster

catemary · 18/08/2006 10:18

Unfortunatly he's a bit pathetic too. He says "well it's just my mother, you know what she's like." Only too bloody well I fear

OP posts:

Tommy · 18/08/2006 10:20

a classic son's answer catemary! Just the sort of thing my Dh says about his Mum, although, to be fair to her, she wouldn't wouldn't pull a trick like this.
I thnk you might have to get assertibe with him so he gest assertive with her - it is simply not fair and he surely must see it?!

Original poster

catemary · 18/08/2006 10:22

Yeh, I think he does see it. Unfortunately I'm already evil in his family cos I left the loser. But I have always let him and his family see the kids virtually unrestricted. You're right - a harsh chat is in order I feel.

OP posts:

Pages · 18/08/2006 10:23

How dare she? You sound totally reasonable, and any responsible mother would have acted as you did. You can't always rely on others to watch your toddler every minute of the day like you do, and if she was having a party she wouldn't have wanted to be chasing a toddler round either. It seems like she has been waiting for an opportunity to do a bit of backstabbing - it is not an overreaction at all. I would be very upset but put her in the context she deserves to be put in - a manipulative person who doesn't deserve your thoughts or energy. Fancy using your two year old to get at you. Some people have no shame.

happyally · 18/08/2006 10:23

Definitely not overreacting!
It sounds like you have always been very reasonable! maybe she just finds it easier to see you as the mean party while she's getting used to the divorce? Sounds bizarre but my friend had a similar situation with her ex MIL when she and her husband were getting divorced. Suddenly everything she did was seen as 'disruptive' or 'excluding', even though they'd always got along really well. I think she was just getting used to the idea of the divorce, because they get on fine again now.
That's awful for her to treat the kids differently though, and your ex should definitley talk to her about it. If you show her a united front on the childcare issues, she'll probably be reassured too.

Original poster

catemary · 18/08/2006 10:24

Another thing that wound me up was that she made a comment about it being ok if it was my mum. Excuse me?!! My mum isn't bonkers enough to suggest such a thing. Plus she looks after my kids several times a week and is very sensible!

OP posts:

Original poster

catemary · 18/08/2006 10:26

Thanks guys. Good to know I'm not the unreasonable one

OP posts:

Steppy1 · 18/08/2006 10:27

I can so sympathise with you catemary, we have a similar situation though I'm still married to DH.... Since the grandchildren arrived , DS is 5 and DD is 3, there's been very little effort on the part of in laws to be involved with their grandchldren, I have no idea why as they (especially MIL) have been very involved with their other grandchildren by their daughter.... When visits (to them of course ) have been arranged it's always been me and finally, after 3 years of it I've said no more, it need sto be a two way thing. IF they were in ill health and couldn"t travel I would understand it but both still lead active social lives enjoying various weekends across various part of the country together or individually with various friends......and they have no money worries. Things really came to a head when DD received her birthday present (February this year) 7 WEEKS AFTER HER BIRTHDAY and after MIL stating on more than one occassion that she "much preferred little boys to girls". I've tried to keep the peace and go along with things as much as possible for the sake of the children and my DH but that was the final straw....they havn't seen their grandparents since Christams when of course we visited...It's awful to say it and I'm embarrassed to admit it by I really do hate her....

Original poster

catemary · 18/08/2006 10:32

God, poor you. Sounds familiar - their grandchildren by my ex's brother always received lots more ttention than mine.

OP posts:

Lilymae8 · 18/08/2006 10:32

I agree that your ex should speak up to his mother about this, and show her that you and he are a united front when it comes to making decisions about your children, and their safety. I have a MIL who treats me really badly, but my DH doesn't stand up to her because he says MIL will "get upset". What she would actually do is have a big crying tantrum and not speak to him for weeks. Sounds bliss to me! Good luck with the situation.

kiskidee · 18/08/2006 10:42

no you are not over reacting. from her POV you have given her a reason for her to vent her spleen and be mean spirited. try to let it run off your back. if it wasn't this, it would have been some other reason she'd find to be self righteously aggrieved. - the 'deeply insulted' bit sounds so pretentious.

if she is going to spite a 2 yr old to show how unhappy she is, then tough titties.

Steppy1 · 18/08/2006 10:46

so Catemary, it's not you...what is it with some mother in laws ? I hope I'll never be like that.

To add to our story I tried to sort situation out by inviting them on holiday with us (to Florida !!) last November (it was DH's 50th birthday ) and bit my tongue on more than one occassion...since then MIL states that the reason she doesn't visit is that she "doesn't feel comfortable since cross words took place" ..this was over 3 years ago so all efforts seem to have had no effect (angry) or maybe she just loves to be centre of atention.............

kimi · 18/08/2006 10:58

Oh poor you, Has your DH told her that it seemed unsafe for a small child to be on a boat?
WAS dh at the party to watch his children? You still cant watch two childern the whole time.
We sail and have 2 boys age 10 and 6 who wear life jackets the whole time, and are strapped to the boat (long leads so as can walk about etc) and are both old enough to respect the rules and can both swim.........
ISTILL worry.
MIL sounds a real cow, i do think you need to talk to her.

theflumpsmum · 18/08/2006 11:19

i wouldnt bother asking xh to have a word..if hes anything like my ex he'd be to worried about upsetting her rather than me or his children.
ive had the same sort of thing but with my ex's girlfriend rather than mum.my ds(2) doesnt like my ex's girlfriend,she has suggested on numerous occasions that he stay with me whilst they take dd(6) out,or shes got pressies for dd without ds getting any.i asked my ex to have a word and explain how unfair it would be,but shes very young(19) and doesnt seem to get the concept.
in the end i had a word when i dropped the children off one day,i explained that there is to be no favouritism of any sort,and that my ds was going through a phase and by not seeing him would only prolong it.i also stated very firmly,but politely at the end she either spent time with my ex and both children or perhaps it would be better if she didnt spend time with the children at all.
it seems to have worked.

Flip