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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't want sex, dh does....

17 replies

Mrsironknickers · 18/08/2006 07:58

Hi girls

This is similar to a thread that was posted in the wee small hours yesterday but I thought I'd see what you who were sensibly sleeping then have to say!

Basically we are going through a 'dry' spell at the moment. I'm really tired every night and the last thing I want is sex. If we go away for a night without the children everything is fine and sex is great but in the day to day grind somehow I don't find changing pooey nappies at 6.00 am and emptying the dishwasher that much of a turn on. Strange eh?! Dh takes my lack of interest very personally and gets really upset, no matter how many times I explain it is nothing to do with him or me not fancying him. It's so frustrating we have been periodically having the same argument for the last 10yrs

Thank f* my period arrived this morning, at least I have an excuse now. How sad is that? In every other way we have a great relationship. We adore each other, have two fantastic children but this is one constant area of conflict.
Anyone been in a similar situation and found a way to resolve it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrsironknickers · 18/08/2006 08:14

early bump...I need help!

OP posts:

spiceoflife · 18/08/2006 08:18

Hi I have a thread just the other day about this. DH and I were in a pattern of 'doing it' every month or so sometimes every couple of months and even then it was a case of him feeling rejected and me thinking of the motherland. We talked together about it quite openly and I explained how tired I was all the time and how I just didnt feel sexy. Anyway we have decided to have nooky night once a week which is not necessarily going to be sex every time but some intimate together time to help get our sex life back on track. I would quite like to try for another baby and that is just not going to happen unless I get back into the swing of things so to speak so will spend some time planning some special time between the two of us and see how it goes.

FioFio · 18/08/2006 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Mrsironknickers · 18/08/2006 08:48

Thanks for the replies girls. Fiofio, a huge part of the problem is that dh does not think we are normal at all. I think the fact that blokes won't talk about this sort of thing means despite me telling him it's common, he won't believe it. He thinks there is something 'wrong' with us.

Spiceoflife, sounds like a good plan!

OP posts:

chocybickie · 18/08/2006 08:51

ask someone who you are 100% comfortable with to babysit so you can both go out and have a meal, drinks and just flirt without any worry about your children.
i wouldn't worry about sex too much. you just want to feel flirty, sexy and wanted to get you back into that frame of mind.
i also agree with fiofio that getting out with friends will also help you find that side of you again.

spiceoflife · 18/08/2006 08:53

dh thought there was something wrong too which is how we ended up talking about it.. he actually asked me if ds2 had damaged me so that I didnt like or want sex anymore!! I admitted that it was just that I was tired and spent all day looking after children which is not inducive to a sexy outlook on life and we started to talk about what we could do to help the situation...it is the most honest talk we ahve had in 12 years jsut because like your dh he is a typicla bloke and you just pretend it isnt happeninga nd it wil all go away.

HappyDaddy · 18/08/2006 11:02

DH wont know if it's normal or not cos when blokes talk we always say that we are getting loads at home, like there's some kind of trophy for it.

Course it's common, parents are busy and get tired. Blimey, come 9pm most nights DW and I are fit for sleeping alone. She works full time and I work shorter hours around dd. I do most of the housework, as i'm home more. Must admit that, I can always summon the energy for sex, though! DW is very often not in the mood or tired, I have enough respect for her not to press her or make an issue out of it.

It seems to me that most of these threads stem from their DH's having either not enough respect for you or a selfish feeling of "what about me?".

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 11:09

I disagree HD.

(sorry iron knickers - im afraid i was up in the wee small hours so you'll get the same opinion from me ).

I think its easy for a man to feel rejected and unwanted and its just as valid a feeling as not feeling like you want sex.

I think your circumstances are different to last nights poster though. You say you do enjoy it when you actually get down to it. So for you, I think you need to feel more like a woman than a mother to be in the mood. Perhaps time away or a regular night together is exactly the thing you need.

To be honest, there is nothing better than some intimate time together to ease tension and de-stress. It would actually make you feel better in the long term - because I think your self image is totally geared to being a mother - which is not ALL that you are about iyswim?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 11:10

BTW, do you work ironknicks?

Original poster

Mrsironknickers · 18/08/2006 17:38

I am a teacher but only doing supply work at the moment, no regular gig! (clearly not doing anything at the moment since it is the hols )
I think it is the fully absorbing black hole of motherhood that gets me down sometimes. You are never off duty are you, even when you are in bed, you're listening for cries...

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 17:40

Well, yes, but, do yours cry all through the night? Bit of alcohol might dampen that thought a bit i should think lol!

foxinsocks · 18/08/2006 17:47

I think you have to take the bull by the horns (so to speak)

I think you need to make a conscious decision that (say) tonight will be the night - get the kids in bed early (how old are they?), make sure all the chores are done before the kids go to bed then have a nice, long bath with a glass of wine to relax. Get changed into something you find sexy and surprise dh when he comes home.

Honestly, the day to day mum drudgery affects loads of women - it is very hard to just turn the 'mummy' switch off and turn the 'sexy, nympho' switch on. You have to pysch yourself up for it a bit!

Original poster

Mrsironknickers · 18/08/2006 17:58

Where is that sexy nympho switch? Maybe it's hiding under my jelly belly
My children are 3 and 1 1/2 yrs and to be fair they are good sleepers, usually in bed by 7.15 pm. Just trying to make the point that unless you bog off to a hotel and leave someone else in charge you are always on duty.
Also, if I drink wine in the bath I'll be asleep before dh says 'do you fancy a...'
Glad to hear it's not just me though.

OP posts:

Pinotmum · 18/08/2006 18:02

I've ordered a book off Amazon today as suggested on another similar thread. If dh initiates it I usually go with the flow but he complains that I never initiate it - so it's not good enough to just do I have to beg him for it! My complaint is I'm chief cook and bottle washer and he only shows affection when he wants something so basically I can't just turn on the sexy siren at the drop of a hat. This argument goes on so I'm now getting a book ...

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 18:27

Thing is, when sex is made to feel like a chore, you're as likely to want to do it as you are the ironing.

If you are doing it because you enjoy it and you enjoy turning your DH on, then it makes all the difference IMO, no matter how tired you are.

Thats why whoever suggested a raunchy book yesterday was onto a really good thing, i think.

pixiepins · 23/08/2006 10:29

i'm so glad that it's not just me!
i have so gone off 'it' it's untrue...and like someone else said, it's not that i don't love my DH or i don't fancy him it's just that i'm tired or i don't feel like i did before the baby came along!
to be honest sometimes i feel a little silly about having sex! like i shuldn't be doing it cause i'm fat and jelly like!
i think I need to get out of the mind set myself! i'm luicky though cause my hubby is really great about it and doesn't pester or push me!
some of it comes down to what society expects of men and women...you end up feeling a bit bad if you don't live up to these preconcieved ideas of what a sexy, darling wifey should be like!

lilymolly · 23/08/2006 19:20

Hi, I started a similar thread lat week and got loads of helpful advice. To cut long story short, I have never emjoyed sex even pre dd, but have gone off it completely since birth, however, cant really blame tiredness as dd sleeps really well, but saying that have only had one day off! in 7 months so am attached to dd all the time! We have just started with relate, and after several sessions of "history taking" we had our first councelling session on Monday, and we where amazed at how complex things are and what issues are actually contributing to the no sex! I am convinced it will not work, and terrified dp will leave me, but it came out at session that he thinks the same about me, and that i may leave him!! I would never do that, so we have some issues to work with. I know my problem is far more deep rooted than just post baby, so we decided to get help. What you are feeling may be completely normal for a women with kids, but I knew I could not "blame" that. Think what you where like pre baby, if you fine, chances are you will get back to normal, but if you decide to seek help, I promise its not embarrasing and hopefully wil help. x

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