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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what would you do??

23 replies

pandagirl03 · 17/08/2006 23:27

hello,

me and dp are going through a rough patch at the moment, we have a dd who is 14 months. I'm really worried about dp's temper, one minute he is fine then if i say something he doesn't like he flips starts shouting and swearing at me then goes out in the car for about a hour. he never used to be like this but lately it seems to be getting worse.my mum has seen him flip when we were all on holiday together and she doesn't like it. i am also snappy when tired etc but nothing like him i dont think. my mum keeps telling me to leave dp, but i do love him and im very confused at the moment. so what does anyone else think, outside advice would be good i think. thanks for reading.

OP posts:

wartywarthog · 17/08/2006 23:46

do you feel scared when he does this?

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 17/08/2006 23:48

not really scared, he does occasionally throw things, not at me but just throw whats in his way. i do feel for dd because most of the time she is around when it happens.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 23:50

Wat does he say about it?

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 17/08/2006 23:51

he just comes back and says nothing then just carrys on as normal. i have asked to speak about things but he wont talk about anything he just totally close's up on me.

OP posts:

wartywarthog · 17/08/2006 23:52

it's not good. but ultimately it's your relationship and your decision, not for your mum to pressurise you. is he aware of how much of a problem it is? and i agree, it's really not good for your dd to see this. first point of call really is to discuss and get him to see the problem and agree to work on it, then take it from there. or have you already tried that route?

wartywarthog · 17/08/2006 23:53

sorry - cross-posted

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 17/08/2006 23:56

i have spoken to him about i dont like it etc especially infront of poor dd, that really upsets me. he changes for a few months then everything is back to normal. but he wont talk about things so im at a loss with what to do. my mum has really put pressure on me and confused me so much, i feel i cant talk to her about it now.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 00:02

Sounds like your mum is the problem here, he has issues sure, but your mum is trying to influence your decision.

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 18/08/2006 00:06

i think she is just trying to protect me, but she should let me do what i want to do. i said to her about going to relate she just laughed and said that wont work will it. i think his mistake was flipping on holiday infront of her, although she didn't say anything to him. she is just worried by the fact one minute he is laughing and being ok next hes shouting and swearing.

OP posts:

Panboy · 18/08/2006 00:08

I agree totally with VVV...

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 00:10

Well, obviously you need to find out why he's on such a short fuse, and work together to resolve that. Can you see if he will speak to someone else about it?

You need to back off from your mum until you have decided what is best for you. She has your best interests at heart, but, only you know whats right for you.

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 18/08/2006 00:14

what does anyone think about going to relate to try and sort this out together?? has anyone been before and does it cost alot??

OP posts:

Panboy · 18/08/2006 00:16

If you can, disregard your mother's view? He sounds like a very frustrated and mal-contented man, and will share this with anyone around him, not just you and dd.

Most men get angry/annoyed when a sense of control is lost...is being a father/partner something that he states adesire for?? Or, his he missing a personal space? Just in a general sense??

Panboy · 18/08/2006 00:19

Been to relate....they have a scale of charges, depending on income etc, but they do expect a minimum level of payment. The service is pretty mixed and you can be lucky, or not.....but honestly...from what you say atthe moment...is he anywhere ready to speak with a relate worker???

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 00:19

Maybe he is frustrated at your Mothers apparent close involvement in your relationship?

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 18/08/2006 00:23

he doesn't know what my mum has said to me about anything. if i tell him it will cause a big atmosphere within the family.

he already has 2 children from his first marriage and loves dd to bits adores her infact, so i dont think that is the problem.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 00:27

Maybe your mum makes her feelings known anyway? Mind you, if he has the stress (and probably the financial pressure) of a broken marriage behind him, on top of a new family and an interfering MIL.......

Panboy · 18/08/2006 00:27

The usual starting off point for relate is that 1. there is an identified problem , and 2. that you are both committed to dealing with it.

It can get a bit heated and things may be said that are being unsaid at the moment. It is a massive step.

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 18/08/2006 00:39

i think maybe you are right vvv about the broken marriage, we have to pay alot to csa, and im only working part time. his ex makes it difficult with kids and has got a new b/f who his youngest calls daddy and everytime his ds calls him by his proper name gets correct by his ex and says no this is daddy, you have 2 daddys now. dont think it helps at all.he has made his feelings clear on this but she ignores them.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 00:53

Sounds like he has a lot on his plate panda.

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 18/08/2006 00:56

yes i think so, talking on here has actually helped clear my head alot and see it from someone else's point of view. think my mum confused me so much i couldn't think straight. thanks for all your advice its been so helpfull.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 00:58

Glad to be of some help!

Pages · 20/08/2006 12:01

Sounds to me like it is exactly what you said - a rough patch - which you can hopefully work through. I have been through patches like this with DH and come out the other end smiling. We can all be difficult at times, and men don't find it easy to talk about the things that are stressing them. As long as you are not feeling physically threatened, can you try not to react to it and see it as a problem that he has which he needs to deal with rather than anything to do with you? If he needs to go off for a while and cool down is that such a bad thing? It sounds like it is his ex who is upsetting him, and because you are his nearest and dearest it gets taken out on you. Not fair, I know, but is it enough to make you want to walk away?

Out of interest is your mum still with your Dad? I don't know if her input is necessarily objective.

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