Fed up and lonely. Overweight husband woes.

[Emotionallytired]

I've been married for over ten years and we have two lovely children together, one more on the way. My DH is overweight. He is an attractive man but I just can't find him attractive with all the extra weight. He was overweight when we first got together and I looked past it because we got on well and he seemed keen on letting me know he was eating healthily and riding his bike to lose the extra weight.
The thing is and the tears start rolling we got together when I was really young and now I'm older and want to explore my sexuality. I want to be able to do this with my husband but I just don't want to have sex with him and find myself avoiding him. We barely have sex once a month. I'm so frustrated sexually, he does nothing for me. It's even harder because he doesn't touch or caress me at all but will just shove up against me and try to engage me in sex when he wants it.
I have told him his weight concerns me several times over the years that we've been together, for health reasons at first, and even lastly because I needed him to lose it for my own selfish reasons. He did lose a lot once a few years ago but put a lot back on again.
I feel upset that he doesn't care enough about me to want to look good for me. I can't tell him I don't find him attractive because that's just horrible. I've given up looking any kind of attractive myself either. I'm in a slump and feel so alone. Through our marriage I've given up all my friends and hav no one to talk to, I had to put this out there.

normal - that was not where my sarcasm was directed

Had the OP came on and said - "oh, im really worried about my OH, he is very overweight (she doesn't say by how much, so not sure if we are talking a bit of a beer gut here or morbidly obese) and it stops him from joining in with the family, i am worried about his health, how can i support him" but the post is all about how she doesn't fancy him anymore and that she has needs ... The thing is, for most people sexual attraction, especially as they mature is far deeper than just good looks, because lets face it, if it was no one would be having sex!

Why shouldn't the post be all about how she doesn't fancy him anymore ? That's the way she feels and those feelings are valid. She doesn't have to dress it up as being concerned about his health or the fact he can't join in with family stuff.

The things that people find sexually attractive , or unattractive are highly individual. Whether most people's sexual attraction is far deeper than looks is irrelevant to the Op. She's not wrong for feeling the way she does.

I don't understand why these sort of posts generate replies that indicate that the Op is being superficial or unkind . Sexual attraction is important , most people don't think about it until it's not there anymore.

I totally understand you op. My dp is morbidly obese. It's almost impossible to buy clothing from shops now.

I don't find him attractive. I know people will think I'm selfish or a bitch but I'm embarrassed of him now.

He's unable to so normal stuff. He sits in his chair. He's lazy. He eats anything he sees. He has a go at our 9 year old for being chubby.

The problem when a person gets so fat spills over into every aspect of his life.

If he ate just what we have at home he wouldn't be overweight. I'm a size 8. 4 dc. I haven't let myself go. I see people's faces when they meet us...

It's infuriating to me that he shovels food down his throat to the point it's damaging his health. I dont drink or smoke by choice not through not wanting to.

I don't have any answers. I've tried everything with dp...They need to do it themselves.

Wheresmysocks - I just think it sucks big time that as their partners, we r resigned to having to feel embarrassed, frustrated and so alone. Not to mention judged by others who don't understand. And worst of all having to hide all these emotions at the risk of hurting the other persons feelings. I have spoken to my DH over the years, first from a health pov, and recently from my own pov. I'm just fed up and can't pretend anymore. I keep trying to overlook and focus on the positives, unfortunately it just doesn't work like that.
I just keep wondering where we go from here...he said he is working on it, all I'm seeing is I have been having to buy bigger clothing sizes as the months go by. I don't want to build up resentment having to live in this situation for the rest of our marriage. I do think i might just have to be blunt enough and hurt my DH to show the impact it is having on our relationship.

I feel like I'm emotionally cheating just by posting my situation.

I'm v large and have anbeating disorder. I shouldn't read threads like this. It just confirms that people are prejudiced and think it's easy to recover from and you just need to "make an effort."

Where'smy... People may well find my eating disorder infuriating, I do. I'd find it very hard if the people around me found me personally infuriating. I currently need love and support to overcome all the underlying issues. Not judgement.

Well said Goodness. I feel like you. How about you walk in his shoes op?

People who have addictions generally have to completely give up whatever they are addicted to. You can't moderate, you have to stop completely. With food this is not an option.

He needs to decide for himself. He was overweight when you met, you knew this, yet now you judge him for it. You need to separate out your issues. The sex thing,talk to him about what you want. Explain that groping / pushing up is not sexy. Show him how he can change his approach, initiate yourself and guide him. He is probably miserable too, which will probably contribute to his weight.

Threads like this do not confirm that people are prejudice. Prejudice is to do with being discriminated against on the basis of gender , race ect. This thread implies nothing other than the Op is not attracted to her overweight husband. That's not a crime , and its definitely not prejudice. Attraction is personal and it is not for anyone else to dictate what other people should or should not find attractive.

I think it would be best to have a good conversation with your husband about this. It's the only way to change things in the end.

I sympathize completely with the OP. My partner is also overweight, and when we first got together I was terribly worried because I wasn't as attracted to him as I wanted to be. I felt awful about it, but I just wasn't attracted to him because of his weight. Like you I put it out my mind because he had so many other amazing qualities and I'm glad I did because he is a wonderful person.

But one of those amazing qualities was the ability to be very open and really willing to talk about any issues that we were having. So one way or another we have worked this one out. This might not help you now -- you have a much longer history together than we have and it sounds like your husband might not be so willing to open up to you about what's going on.

But I bet you any money the reason he's overweight (and the way he might possibly lose weight in the future) has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. It's highly unlikely that he's not aware his body is a problem, or that he's happy about the way he looks. The thing I realized about my partner is that his being overweight is directly related to some pretty serious body image problems and very low self esteem. He eats and dresses badly because he feels he doesn't deserve to look good, to look after himself or be taken care of. That's the tragedy of it. As our relationship gets stronger and stronger, we are working together on building up his confidence and image of himself. The way I see it, I am in it for the long-haul because he's such an amazing person and I want him to eventually realise how fantastic he is himself.

So on the one hand, I don't think you should beat yourself up about not being attracted to him right now. You can't fake something you don't feel. But if you are in it for the long-haul, think about it as a long term problem to resolve. It might be time to sit down with him and ask him gently to tell you (or a therapist) what's really been going on. Does he have other signs of depression? Are there some underlying feelings of inadequacy or lack of self worth? Ask him how you can help him feel better about himself by focusing not on his body but on what's making him so unhappy he treats his body badly. When he eventually starts to feel better about himself, he'll want to lose weight for himself. Above all, remember that he's not eating too much because he doesn't love you. He's doing it because he doesn't like himself.

These are the sentences in your posts that give me cause for concern:

"Through our marriage I've given up all my friends and hav no one to talk to, I had to put this out there."

• How has this come about?

he said he is working on it, all I'm seeing is I have been having to buy bigger clothing sizes as the months go by.

• Does he not buy his own clothes, then?

I feel for you Op. I think you should talk to him , you can be kind , but clear about what the problems are. While he most likely will be hurt , make it clear that you are saying this because you want your marriage to be better. This means at the moment your still invested in the marriage and that's really positive. It's a chance to improve things for both of you.

Many people have commented about the low self esteem. It's impossible to tell whether your Dh has this or he is just too comfortable. I suspect with what you say about never going out , groping you ect , that he has just got too comfortable and doesn't think he has to make an effort anymore. Dating and making an effort for each other shouldn't stop when you get married.

My husband has recently had a second stroke. After the first stroke, 4 years ago, I begged him to change his lifestyle and lose some weight. The weight continued to pile on. He stayed at home, lying on the settee and watching tv.

Last august I wrote to his doctor saying that I was worried and he was heading for another one.

Even now, he is not actively trying to lose weight. His BMI is on the border of overweight and obese. Unfortunately, my drinking problem has come back with the frustration of it all and that is helping no-one. I don't know how to go on.

People that say sucks big time are more unnattractive than overweight people imo

There's a couple of issues here.

First off, I don't think your husband losing weight is going to magically reignite your marriage at all. You say you have no friends and don't make an effort with your own appearance- so I would start there, you sound like you married young and are now very bored, so what about working/starting a hobby/inviting friends over? Make yourself look great, wear nice clothes, do your own hair. This will pay off a lot even if your husband doesn't change.

As for your husband's weight- you married him knowing he was big. He wasn't like me for example, size 8/10 on marriage and at least two three sizes bigger 10 years later. People do get older and most do get fatter as they age.

The thing is, for most people sexual attraction, especially as they mature is far deeper than just good looks, because lets face it, if it was no one would be having sex!

I agree with LEM, if it was all about good looks, most of us would give up having sex in our twenties or thirties! Even if you stay trim, exercise and so on, chances are by 50/60 or beyond you will have wobbly bits and your husband a bit of a gut, even if slim body. I don't know many people this isn't true for, even those who aren't very overweight.

If you had had a great time in the bedroom before you could return to that but it doesn't sound like this was ever the case. I don't think your husband's weight is the issue- I think you are bored and lusting after other blokes tbh.

Even if your husband's weight is the deciding issue, he won't just lose weight. He was big when you met him he's bigger now, this is who he is. If you really can't stand it, you can leave him but I don't think trying to turn an already big guy who was having to do heaps of exercise even when young to keep on top of his weight into a slim one as the years advance is a sensible project. He may well find weight control difficult, my husband does, I guess you have to decide if you love him in spite of this.

badbalding

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2042052-Is-there-ever-a-good-way-to-tell-a-woman-you-think-she-should-lose-weight?msgid=46134667#46134667