distant fathers

[babycow38]

I am six months out of a 17 year relationship, 2 dc had all the leaving, he slept with ow and i could not carry on, i ,in myself am okay now but he does nothing to help his and my dcs, i carry all the weight of bringing them up, i always did, but i thought when we split he would do the same.Its not, he goes of and pleases himself.iam left feeling horrid x

If he was lazy and selfish when he was with you and took the family for granted, there's no reason why he wouldn't carry on the same way now you've split. It's hard work but long-term the main loser will be him, of course. DCs tend to know who wants to spend time with them and, if he's distant with them, they'll adapt and respond in kind. He'll be an afterthought.

Were you married? Have you gone for a legally binding contact schedule via a solicitor? Is he paying child support?

babycow I know how you feel. Its shit for you because you have to carry the whole burden, and all the sense of responsibility when anything goes wrong or one of the children is having a tough time.

People often say to me that the children will know in the end who really loved them but its no comfort. I want my kids to have two parents, and its shit for them to lose out, end of.

How old are you children?

You need to detach from him completely. It is utterly shit when these lazy, feckless fathers just opt out of being a parent (and worse every now and again return to blame you for their lack of relationship with their own children, before fading again). There is nothing that you can do other than be polite (through gritted teeth) about him to your children, and emotionally detach so you don't feel horrid inside. Society seems to allow these men to do this, there is no come back, and it does mean you have to do everything which sucks. But on the positive side you have your wonderful children around you! You are their mother, father, whole life and the people they are growing up to become is all to your credit.

" I want my kids to have two parents"

A quick scan through the 'we took you to stately homes' threads demonstrates that having two resident parents is no guarantee of a good childhood. Given two parents, one of whom is lazy, detached and doesn't give them the time of day, and one who loves them unconditionally and with them all the time, I don't think DCs are losing out by not experiencing the former.

Ok, I want my kids to have two good parents. That's what I signed up for when I had children. Like most people, I thought my partner would commit to them as much as I did.