Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Mum has really really upset me

18 replies

melsy · 16/03/2004 13:24

I know she may not have meant me to be upset , but I did this really nice thing for my mum. I have a friend in Shanghai who kindly shipped me over some lovely bags. One was especially chosen for my mums birthday. It cost quite a bit to do inc all the bags as I got some brought over for one of my sisters. They are all going to help pay me. It took some organising (which I enjoyed doing) and some calls to china over the last 3 weeks. I gave mum the bag yesterday and I was so excited. It was late for her birthday , so I made her a card with a pretend invoice with a picture of the bag a poem and everything. Today she said she wishes she new about it as she would have rather had the design I got my sister. I cant believe it. On the one hand I feel bad now as I wished I had checked with her first, but on the other she knows I am going through a difficult time and she couldnt even hide the fact that shes disppointed. I was ok when she first told me and even thought of asking my friend to go and get it , but it is a cheek as I am not that close to her and she forked out for everything. Now I am getting really upset as I sit here at home thinking about it. I feel i am betraying her by talking about it online like this, but it has really hurt me. I dont know what to do , & for a change I seem wholly responsible amongst my two other sisters who helped me choose it. I know alot of you are going to say I should talk to her , but my mum is very passionate and gets angry easily and wont let this lie. So please be gentle with me, I am going through a lot of stuff at the moment.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 16/03/2004 13:31

She may not mean to hurt your feelings, but boy she should have thought first. What a horrible thing to say. I'm so sorry.

Grommit · 16/03/2004 13:31

Melsy - you went to alot of trouble and put alot of thought into this present for your mum. I do think it is very insensitive and selfish of her to not appreciate this - I was always brought up to believe that it is the thought that counts. Maybe you should just put his down to experience and buy her a box of chocolates next year! I understand how hurt you must be!

lazyeye · 16/03/2004 13:32

Ouch that is hurtful Melsy. I have a pretty rocky road relationship with my Mum and I can only go on what I would do. Like yours, she is quite easily upset and holds onto grudges - I must admit most of the time I avoid hot topics just to keep the peace. I think generally as you get older you must feel more able to speak your mind and to hell with upsetting pple - my Mum certainly subscribes to this!!

If it is mentioned again I would say something along the lines of "Sorry, but it was a bit of an effort to get the bag at all,so I can't change it now - especially with all the other things going on." And leave it at that. If she won't leave it then, er, well, shes being more than a bit unfair.........

Lots of love

spacemonkey · 16/03/2004 13:33

Poor you melsy. I don't care if she hated the bag, it was the height of rudeness to say what she did. HUGS to you!

Sonnet · 16/03/2004 13:37

Oh how unkind....you must be feeling pretty hurt - Easier said than done I know but try and put it down to experience...

marthamoo · 16/03/2004 13:37

Oh, melsy, I would be very hurt too If you think it's best to let it lie, then do, you don't need your Mum to get angry and argumentative (though can't see why she would, you're the one who has the right to be upset). You did a lovely, thoughtful thing and if she can't see that and appreciate it, then she doesn't deserve such carefully planned presents. She is in the wrong here and you definitely have the moral high ground, though that probably doesn't make you feel any better. (((HUGS)))

FairyMum · 16/03/2004 13:43

A present is a suprise. You aren't meant to know about it and it is the thought that counts the most. I think it was very rude of your mum and she should get some manners!

GeorginaA · 16/03/2004 14:09

She was out of order - you put a lot of thought into that gift. It sounds to me like she's the sort of person who isn't particularly happy no matter what - chances are if you'd got her the same as your sister's one, she'd have wanted something different - you wouldn't be able to win.

I agree with Grommit. Next year, don't put the effort in and just buy a box of chocolates. It's not worth the aggro or the upset.

hugs

Crunchie · 16/03/2004 14:21

Will your sister swap??

It's not your fault and they helped you choose the bag, perhaps they could be nice and swap??

Original poster

melsy · 16/03/2004 14:28

I did think that too , but my sister was sooo pleased with hers.

OP posts:

twiglett · 16/03/2004 14:30

message withdrawn

Jaybee · 16/03/2004 14:36

This sounds like the sort of thing my Mum would say - she just never seems to be pleased with whatever effort I go to to ensure that she gets a nice present on her birthday, she just seems to turn up her nose. I ask her in advance what she wants, she doesn't give me any ideas, I buy her something that I think she needs or would like and I usually get a response like 'I would have preferred a ??'. The last time she did this I told her that if one of my kids responded to a gift in the way she did I would slap their bums - I don't think she appreciated the comment.
Don't let it bother you - she, obviously, is losing her manners - as others have said, I would get her a voucher next year or something really bad taste that you know she will hate.

GeorginaA · 16/03/2004 14:39

Either that or do what I do now... demand a wishlist from her of five or six things within a price range about a month before her birthday (the surprise being she won't know which on the list will actually be bought).

I actually do this for me now as well - I think Amazon wishlist is fantastic - no more unappreciated presents and no aggro having to be imaginative.

Original poster

melsy · 16/03/2004 14:43

Good ideas girls and you have made me laugh , I was about to sit here for the rest of the afternoon and feel sorry for myslef. Or cry donw my phone like the little women to my poor Dh at work !!

OP posts:

GeorginaA · 16/03/2004 14:47

Mothers... who'd have 'em

mutters her daily mantra of "please don't let me become my mother, please don't let me become my mother"

Kayleigh · 16/03/2004 14:50

Melsy, you tried to do the right thing and it turned around and bit you on the bottom
Big hug honey, it was a lovely thoughtful thing to do. I'm sure your mum wouldn't hurt you purposely, she has been brilliant lately, but it was unthinking and she should know better.

Original poster

melsy · 16/03/2004 14:54

I know Kayliegh , I dont know whats got into her today. I just keep thinking how she stayed here for 2 weeks whilst dh was away. How she has been so selfless the last few months. This is just so confusing. I feel like I have failed yet again.

Like everyone has said she probably didnt realise what she said.

OP posts:

Kayleigh · 16/03/2004 14:58

If I had a pound for every time my mum opened her mouth without thinking I'd be a very rich woman

Flip