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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does it count as abuse?

21 replies

Angelcake1987 · 27/03/2014 13:10

Ok so i think the main reason for this post is to air my thoughts so i am sorry if i ramble...

When i was 14 my mum met a bloke online & moved us in with him within about 3 months meaning we also moved countys. We hadn't been living with him long when she was taken into hospital for several weeks (a regular occurrance for her). During this time her boyfriend began talking to me a lot about sex and what kind of experience i had of it (which was absolutely zero, i had never even had a boyfriend). Gradually he got around to explaining that when the time came for me to lose my virginity that he would happily be the person to take it!
Now i have no idea why but in my 14 year old brain this didn't seem such a weird idea & i kind of accepted that when it happened it would be with him. It probably took another few weeks of talking before things turned physical & he took my virginity. I knew it was wrong & i don't think i was 100 percent happy with It but i did consent to it. Afterwards we continued our relationship for many months until my mum split up with him & we moved away.

At the time i was happy and even enjoyed the sex but after a few months apart i began to deeply regret what had happened and start to feel more like an abused child than a consenting partner. I began to fear him & feel ashamed of what i did, terrified that someone would find out. I went on to have pretty normal teenage relationships & didn't have sex again until i was 17 so i don't think it affected my sexual relationships but i still feel mentally scarred by the whole experience.

I have no doubt he abused his position of trust but i did consent so did he abuse me? I feel as though he did now but was ok with It at the time so does that mean he wasn't an abuser? I suspect he had done this kind of thing before & late found out he had a lot of child porn on his computer which i think adds to my feeling of abuse but i just don't know if my feelings are justified or not. I know of many people who most certainly abused, i don't know if i feel comfortable including myself in that category or not.

Thanks for listening, would love to hear your thoughts x

OP posts:

magoria · 27/03/2014 13:13

He groomed you and took advantage of you. He abused you.

AuroraSim · 27/03/2014 13:15

At 14, even if you consent you are not of legal age to make that call. It was statutory rape. And abuse, and he knew it.

I'm so sorry you went through that OP. I don't have anymore words of advice unfortunately, didn't want to read and run.

You sound like a very brave lady x

Catnuzzle · 27/03/2014 13:15

He groomed you. This was definitely abuse. You should think about reporting him and get counselling.

Lottapianos · 27/03/2014 13:16

What magoria said. I'm so sorry you had to go through this Angel. He is the one completely at fault here, you have nothing to feel bad about. Nothing whatsoever.

You said you started to feel more like an abused child than a consenting partner? Trust your feelings. You were in no position to consent to anything. He took advantage of you and of your mother's trust.

NiaceGuidelines · 27/03/2014 13:17

Yes he abused you. You didn't consent to the sex. At 14 you were unable to consent. Abusers (of all types) tend to manipulate their victims unto believing the abuse is either normal behaviour, acceptable, their fault etc . That is what this man did to you. Please seeek advice from a local rape crisis seervice of how to proceed.

losinmimarbles · 27/03/2014 13:21

I'm really sorry this happened to you too. I agree with pp please consider reporting him , he raped you and is a peadophile . he has no doubt done this to others stop him now. rape crisis should be able to give you some good advice. good luck with.

Forester · 27/03/2014 13:33

I agree with previous posters that at 14 you are unable to consent and so this is without a doubt abuse.

If you feel able it would be good if you could report this as it's likely that his behaviour has continued. Maybe you could speak to a counselling service in the first instance.

I'm sorry that he did this to you.

Jux · 27/03/2014 13:45

Yes, he groomed you and took advantage of his position and abused you for months. I am so, so sorry you went through this . I think that beginning to feel as you do may be the start of healing.

Do think about reporting him. He has probably done this to other girls, and will probably do it again and again.

Original poster

Angelcake1987 · 27/03/2014 13:46

Thanks everyone. The police became involved some time later when they recovered lewd photographs of me in his house (i was 16 by then). They interviewed me but i was so ashamed & frightened i tried to deny anything happened. After plucking up some courage i went back for another interview & told the police everything but for reasons unknown to me it never went to court. I suppose the fact the police didn't even do anything added to my confusion. I think talking to a professional would help but I am 27 now & kind of feel like i should be over it by now! I mostly am i suppose, i just get nagging feelings of it being unfinished every now and then.

OP posts:

Abbykins1 · 27/03/2014 13:46

"When i was 14 my mum met a bloke online & moved us in with him within about 3 months meaning we also moved countys"

Does this mean you left the UK?

Abbykins1 · 27/03/2014 13:47

Or the county?

Lottapianos · 27/03/2014 13:49

'I think talking to a professional would help but I am 27 now & kind of feel like i should be over it by now!'

I'm currently in therapy, trying to come to terms with childhood emotional abuse. A lot of it happened long before I was 14. 'Getting over' these things isn't just like flicking a switch. You will have a lot of very complicated feelings which you are likely to need help to process. I cannot recommend psychotherapy enough - it's intensely painful sometimes but pain is one of those things that's better out that in. Sharing it with a supportive person who doesn't have their own agenda is the surest way to healing.

Original poster

Angelcake1987 · 27/03/2014 14:11

Abbykins, we moved to a different county, still in the UK.

Lotta, thank you for sharing, i know i should seek counseling i just don't feel comfortable doing it though my gp and can't afford to pay privately. Does anyone know if i can get it free without having to tell my doctor? I seem to be too old to go through somewhere like connextions.

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 27/03/2014 14:16

I pay 40 for a 50 minute session with a private psychotherapist - just adding that in because it's a lot less than some people think it will cost.

Google 'psychotherapy' in your area - there are some charities who charge based on your income e.g. if you earn 18000 then you pay 18 a session, if you earn 50000, then you pay 50.

And if it makes a difference, GPs will have had many requests for psychotherapy referrals before. You dont' have to go into graphic detail about your past, you could just say that you are having difficulty coming to terms with something from your past, it's causing you anxiety and you would like to access some talking therapy in order to process it.

Original poster

Angelcake1987 · 27/03/2014 14:31

I have kids, would it be put on a file somewhere if i went through the gp? I don't want social services notified or anything like that.

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 27/03/2014 14:34

The only reason SS would be notified is if this person was still in your life and had access to your children. Otherwise, you're just taking care of yourself and coming to terms with something very painful that happend to you in your past. That makes you a very responsible person. No red flags at all

Abbykins1 · 27/03/2014 14:39

Thanks Angel.

I have had counselling through mu GP and it has quite literally been a life saver.

I owe her my life.

Hope things get good for you soon.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/03/2014 14:42

Angel you haven't done anything wrong. You aren't a danger to other people. There is no reason at all for SS to be notified. SO sorry this happened to you.

WWOOWW · 27/03/2014 17:49

Angel

Yes he abused you - in fact he raped you. Go back to the Police and find out what happened. Get some counselling via your GP.

I get so sad every time someone worries about SS involvement. I am a SW doing assessments... I know people wont believe this but unless there are significant CP concerns our role is to help and support - maybe make referrals to other organisations who will help.

I have massive MH problems (PTSD, HA, Panic disorder and agoraphobia) - have accessed counselling and therapy via my GP - I still have my children !!
Good Luck

Jux · 28/03/2014 23:15

Please Angel. It will help you and your children (rough it helping you) so much. My experience of social workers is that they are incredibly helpful. They really want the best thing to happen, which is you being well and happy with your children, and you all being settled and secure together. Please go to your gp and don't be scared that it will be held against you. If you are trying to do the best for yourself and your children then that is recognised, understood and supported.

Chuckthefucklebrothers · 28/03/2014 23:32

As someone said earlier, you can ask your GP to refer you for counselling without saying exactly why, if you don't feel comfortable telling him/her. I've seen a counsellor recently; she made a point of telling me that everything I said was between me & her unless I said something to make her think someone would be in danger if she didn't break that confidentiality. Counselling would be a safe place for you to unburden yourself & work through things. You are very brave to have coped so well without any help for so long, but please do see someone. Whatever he managed to convince you at the time, you were abused, you didn't invite or deserve it & you don't deserve the way you feel about it now.

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