It's clear my DM doesn't care for me in any way

[IWorshipSatin]

I don't really understand why. She feels her own mother never loved her, and was in cahoots with the older daughter against her.

My DB is a problem child, everyone tiptoes around him and he gets away with treating them like shit. My dad is a twat and treats my DM like shit. Basically everyone treats her like shit except me, I am nice to her and she hates me for it.

She continually went on at me to have children (my DB never will, he has never even had a relationship and he is nearly 40). Now I have children she goes on about how she never sees them and I live too far away (I live far away because of circumstance initially, but I have no desire to move home to a family that treats each other, and especially me, like shit). When she is here she obviously finds them too much and says she is tired and too old - they are 2.5 and 9 months so full on at the moment. She has this idealised view of what being a grandparent is and thinks the distance prevents her from being that, but actually the distance is nothing in the scheme of things.

I've had a very stressful year, my baby was very sick for a long time and we had to live away at a hospital. Things are still tiring. My DM has little to do with the baby, she will hold her for a short time and change a nappy if asked but nothing more. My DH is away at the moment and she doesn't understand why I am tired - I am not allowed to be. DH is back on Friday (when she goes home) and told me I should go to bed and catch up sleep once he is back. I mentioned this to her tonight and she sulked that I should be spending time with her instead of sleeping. I said 'but you are going home that day?', we had a brief exchange of words and gone to bed in a sulk. She doesn't like that my DH wants to look after me as she does not get that from her DH. Why doesn't she want me to be cared for? I can't imagine wanting anything for my daughters other than something better than what I had myself.

It's like she always wants to find fault with me but I try so hard to please her. My entire life has followed this pattern and I'm 36. I did my degree to please her! I did A-levels to please her, I love my kids so much but I sometimes wonder if I only had them initially to try to please her? The things I've done in life that didn't please her are the things I enjoyed the most. I wonder when I will be my own person.

Is this a normal relationship with one' s mother?

Mmm, sorry don't see the evidence that your mother doesn't love you, I'd say you are overtired and feeling miserable

So it's normal to never be happy with your daughter and use them as a scapegoat? That's ok as long as I know that. And you're right I am!

Living your life to please your mother is not healthy, no. And it sounds like the way in which she treats you isn't that good either ("She doesn't like that my DH wants to look after me as she does not get that from her DH").

She's jealous of you, your DH, your life.

No it is not normal in the slightest. But its totally normal for an adult child of a toxic parent to feel this way.

Dysfunction like you describe does filter down the generations; your mother was not loved at all by her own parent and she went on to follow that same dysfunctional pattern with you now (with the favouring of a feckless sibling to boot). She not altogether surprisingly went on to marry a man who treats her badly.

Your mother is a toxic parent and you have been conditioned by her over the years. The people pleasing of parent is a usual aspect of this as is still seeking her approval. She is not and will never be the mother you want her to be. It is NOT your fault she is like this.

You will only be free of her when you stop seeking her approval and totally disengage from her. She brings nothing positive into your life and has no interest in her grandchildren. Why do you really have any relationship with her at all?.

I would also suggest you look at and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread as well.

The 2 comments you make about her thoughts and motivations (idealised view of grandmotherhood, and not liking that your DH looks after you) - do you know that from what she's said, or it it your belief that this is what she feels? What does she actually do or say that makes you feel she hates you?