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Original poster

My parents haven't seen our new baby yet

25 replies

alittlebitsad · 17/08/2006 17:05

He is 3 months old. They refuse to come and visit us (their car isn't reliable enough for the journey apparently). They live about 3/4 hours drive away (depending on the state of the M25). Dh and I find the idea of the drive with a 3 month old baby and two other children under 6 really stressful. But are we wrong not to have gone up to see my parents yet? I feel guilty but it would just be such a horrible journey.

OP posts:

VestibularProwess · 17/08/2006 17:07

They should come and see you really but I would definitly feel the need to go and I think you probably feel the urge because you have started a thread about it.

Choose a time when the M25 is at its quietist.

fairydust · 17/08/2006 17:07

if it's only 45 mins can they not come by train?
or can not one of you stay at home with the other two whilst the other takes the baby?

wannaBe1974 · 17/08/2006 17:08

if they can't come by car what's wrong with public transport? there must be trains where they live are there not? No I don't think you are being unreasonable and tbh I would question whether they are interested in seeing their new grandchild. How is their relationship with your other children?

LucyJones · 17/08/2006 17:08

Could they come by train? Are they very elderly?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 17:08

Or, can DH go and get them and bring them back?

yorkshirelass79 · 17/08/2006 17:09

Message withdrawn

sshhh · 17/08/2006 17:19

fairydust i read it as 3 to 4 hours drive....

(which still isn't very far)

i'd be upset if my parents didn't visit with the first few days, and they are 3 hours drive and a 2hr boat journey away....

tortoiseshell · 17/08/2006 17:23

albs - I know how you feel - my dad has only seen ds2 once, when he came for less than 24 hours when he was 3 weeks old, and only cause my mum dragged him. My parents live 5 hours drive away, and I'm taking the children there in October, but like you am dreading the drive with ds2 who will be 5 months, dd who is 3 and ds1 who is 5. Dh's mum hasn't been to our house in 5 years. I do get quite upset that my parents don't come more often - my mum comes once every 3 or 4 months, and my dad about once every 2 years. He is not elderly, just doesn't like travelling.

In answer to your question, they should visit you definitely, and I don't think you are wrong not to have gone to see them yet - it is a nightmare travelling with children that small.

KristinaM · 17/08/2006 17:36

I thought I was the only one . My MIL hasnt seen either of my two youngest boys - they are aged 2 and 8 months.

My parents have only seen the baby once & that's because my husband took him over when he was a few days old.They didnt even know I was pregnant because they had not seen me for about a year

They all live about a 20-30 minute drive away. They are simply not interested

fairydust · 17/08/2006 17:38

sorry i read it wrong

rabbitrabbit · 17/08/2006 17:41

for you alittlebitsad.
My dh has a similar situation with his mother. She has seen our 3yr old ds 3 times, ignored every birthday he's had (because she's been annoyed at ds for not running around after her) and now we don't see them at all. There are only so many times you can allow someone to snub your child before you have to call it a day!

Were there any problems with your family prior to the birth? I do think it's bad form that they haven't, in 3-4months, been able to make the journey. I don't think you're in the wrong, you have more than enough to do and people should respect that. There's plenty of time for you to travel but I really would expect your parents to make the trip.

wannaBe1974 · 17/08/2006 18:39

Have been thinking about this and actually I think it depends on how you feel about it.

If you want your parents to see your baby, i.e. if you want to show him off and they won't come and visit, then I would make the effort to go and see them. But you can't force family to take an interest in your children. My sil has no interest what so ever in my ds, and during the first year of his life she saw him three times, and even then paid him no attention. And yet we were the ones blamed for not allowing him to have a relationship with her and not visiting her. Initially I was annoyed by the fact she had no interest in him and had no desire to visit, but on reflection, and after a massive family row during which I was called a bad mother by my fil, I decided that if she didn't want a relationship with my DS then it was her loss, and that it wasn't up to me to ensure that she had one but up to her. Had I felt the need for him to have a good relationship with her, then I should have made more effort to visit her, but I wasn't that bothered in the end, and thus he has no relationship with her at all now.

Sorry I'm waffling now, but I think what it comes down to is whether you feel it should be important to them, in which case you could expect them to visit, or important to you, in which case you should visit to try and build that bond between grandparent and grandchild.

alittlebitshy · 17/08/2006 18:51

no advice, just wanted to say that i think it is them being unreasonable, not you!!!

have you said anything to them about how it upsets you that they haven't met their smallest grandchild???? what do you think they would say if they knew you felt like that?

wartywarthog · 17/08/2006 19:22

that is very sad. i think you should tell them how you feel. the idea of getting your dh to pick them up and take them back is a good one. but if you feel that going to visit them is difficult, i wouldn't do it just yet.

scotchick · 17/08/2006 19:33

I actually feel quite embarassed by by family's (dad and sister) lack of interest in my two boys, and don't often talk about it - but it's OK here because obviously I'm not alone! My dad is separated from my mum (who I have no contact with, not for about 7 or 8 years - crazy family!) and is a very loving man, my sister and I get on well with him, and my overwhelming memory of him when I was growing up was that he would do anything for me and my sis. BUT, he has NO interest in my children (7 and 5) and I cannot understand it! My sis (not married,no kids) also has no interest. It amazes me that for the past 7 years I could count on one hand the number of phone calls I've had with them both when they haven't even mentioned the boys!!! Don't ask after them or anything. I could go on and on and have many stories about their lack of interest, but would bore you all. I did mention it to my dad once recently as he was lamenting the fact that my husband always leaves soon after they arrive for a visit and I said it's because they (dad and sis) pay so little attention to kids that they (kids) start to play up to get attention and it always ends in me getting cross with them, and, bizarrely, dad and sis getting cross with them too!! The other day my 7 yo actually forgot my sis's name and called her auntie catriona instead of her proper name!!!!

scotchick · 17/08/2006 19:34

I got confused there. I could count on one hand the number of times they HAVE mentioned the boys - obviously

Original poster

alittlebitsad · 18/08/2006 12:12

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. My dh isn't that encouraging about going to see them as I don't have a good relationship with them so our visits are often tense. My mother in particular puts enormous guilt on me to go and visit, then when we get there she spends almost the whole time talking about the problems she has with her neighbours!

They make loads of excuses about not coming, I actually think they are a bit agrophobic although would never admit it. For some reason the train is an impossibility (my mother actually laughed when I suggested it) and they will not even meet us halfway (which we have also suggested a few times). We do resent having to 'suffer' because of their inflexibility. My oldest child actually asked me if Granny had died as we never see her - this made me feel so awful I got quite depressed over it. I can't quite come to terms with the fact that they are uninterested in their grandchildren although that certainly seems to be the case. They rarely ask any questions about them other than 'are they ok' and have no idea about any of the day to day minutae of their life. It makes me very sad. I also hate it when people ask if my parents have seen baby number 3 and I have to say NO

OP posts:

scotchick · 18/08/2006 13:00

I felt awful reading that your child asked if granny had died. I wonder how your mum would feel if she knew that? You are like me I'm sure, and will resolve NEVER to be like that! I cannot imagine never seeing my children's children! My son has asked a couple of times about my mum (who I never mention, didn't have a big fall out or anything, but she was extremely depressed throughout my life but was also a really unkind spiteful woman who I'm glad my children will not have to know - how terrible does that sound??!!) and I've casually said I don't see her anymore. She used to always send birthday presents to the boys - really nice designer clothes, and send Christmas cards to all of us, but stopped last year. She used to sign them 'Nana Ann' which I thought was so strange. Imagine making up a familiar name for yourself to grandchildren you had never seen?

proudofmyboobs · 18/08/2006 13:20

Call your mum, say your eldest wants to talk to her as she is convinced she has died as she hasn't seen her in such a long time... this must shock her into coming for a visit... surely? I told my In-Laws that my dd said she just had 1 granny and 1 grandad as she never saw her others (them) it was the first thing to shock them into visiting, not regularily, but more than they used to anyway!

mumfor1standfinaltime · 18/08/2006 13:29

Know how you feel. My FIL didn't visit ds - his only grandchild - until he was 3 months old and he lives 10 MINUTES walk away! In the end we had to give in and walk to his. I had a c section so didn't feel like walking up to his at first.
It is so frustrating when relatives just don't want to know. When you are pg people say 'you will get so many visitors etc, tell them to leave or to help out etc' we had hardly any visitors! When I stayed in hospital for 3 days the only visitor was dh!

scotchick · 18/08/2006 13:34

By amazing contrast, my MIL and FIL are brilliant. They live 1 1/2 hours away and probably see the boys once a month and they go for the weekend. They are greeted with mega hugs and kisses (which the boys pretend they don't like, but really really do!) and FIL (not very touchy feely) spends loads of time with them, showing them whatever he's up to at that time - gardening, making models, model railways, even fixing plumbing etc! They treat them so well, I'm so ashamed of the way my dad/sis treat them.

agalch · 18/08/2006 13:43

I'm in the same boat but with dp's parents.They live 5 mins drive away and never visit.Dd2 is 18 days today and they were away on a cruise when she was born and came to see us when they came back.It was dd1's birthday on the Monday so of course they came on the Tuesday when it was all over.
Mil looked briefly in the moses basket but fil didn't so he still hasn't actually seen her.Ds1's birthday is in September and they will come 2/3 days before when he's at school and put a card through the door as usual.
I just don't visit/phone them and if they do turn up unnanounced i am civil but don't chat too much.Life's too short to waste on weirdos like them lol

morningpaper · 18/08/2006 13:48

Alittlebitsad: Unfortunately a lot of older people DO become agraphobic and will stop doing big journeys because it is simply too stressful for them. They probably wouldn't admit it, but they are possibly too scared and anxious about that sort of journey. What this means is that they are likely to become more and more isolated. Do you have other siblings? Could you arrange a family get-together at their house for a birthday or something? This might be a long-term problem and you may need to think of other ways to stay in touch - regular phone calls etc.

My grandparents started doing this 20 years ago - they are still living together, now in their 90s, and haven't really left the house in nearly 2 decades.

scotchick · 18/08/2006 13:51

I think the problem with my dad is that he really doesn't know how to communicate with my boys and gets embarassed. I used to feel for him, but there is a big part of me that thinks, are you embarassed? Get over it - they are children! Once, dad phoned here and ds1 answered and was saying 'hello' a few times then dad hung up!!!! Actually, he's done that twice. I was very annoyed.

m1m1rie · 18/08/2006 14:55

My MIL didn't visit either of my DDs until they were several months old. DD1 was almost 5 months old the first time she came to visit, even though it was her first grandchild. It's nothing shifty about her, she loves them dearly, but I was quite offended at how disinterested in visiting she seemed to be. My FIL died without seeing DD2 even though she was almost a year old when it happened (suddenly). They were seperated, by the way, so MIL visited without him. He didn't even come to the christening, for no good reason. He was an odd one, though. He would make cursory visits to special events, but leave within about twenty minutes. He did feck all apart from work and drink, so it wasn't as though we were keeping him from anything, and when he died he left everything (not insubstantial) to his girlfriend and not even a token for any of his 4 sons or 5 granddaughters. But I digress.....

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