At a crossroads

[heyho1985]

I am at a point in my life where I need to make some big decisions and I don’t know how, I think I am frozen with fear to make any changes. I have been in a relationship since I was 20 and I am now 28. I love my OH very much but he is 5 years older than me and I feel he is at a different life stage to me. He is pressuring me to have children but I just don’t feel that strong urge yet, I don’t know if I ever will? I feel that there is more I want to do with my life before I make such a big commitment, and when I do have children I want to be able to give them my all rather than going into it half heartedly.

Yet despite all of this I can’t bring myself to leave.

How do you know what is the right thing to do in life? I know there are no concrete answers and everything we do always has a risk, I think I have been slightly naive sometimes aswell thinking that things will just work themselves out by magic without me having to make any real decisions. I don’t want to wake up when I’m 35 and think that I let the love of my life go.

You can only make the best decision at the time with the facts you have available at the time. You seem to have built it into a massive thing which is why you're frozen, you're in the mindset that if you make the wrong decision now it will ruin the rest of your life/you'll never find someone else/your chances will have gone.

Step back a little & breathe :)

There is a decision to be made but its not the children question. That decision you have already made, you don't want children now or possibly ever so its not an option at the moment, however much he pushes you. That is a valid choice & its OK. If you allow yourself to be pressured into having children you may find that the resentment builds up & you leave him anyway, just with children instead of solo. There's no guarantee that having children now means you will stay with him forever.

The decision is surely whether you stay with him or leave him? Its not fair to string him along with a vague promise of potential kids so I think you need a chat. A kind of sensible, rational are we suited chat? If not then agree to go your separate ways.

There is no one love of your life. People change as they get older, partners die & people find other partners, its not a case of if you leave him then you will never find somebody else.

I think at this point you have to think about what you want, & base your decision on your future solely on that & put his wants aside for a moment. I hope its easy to find your path & don't feel bad. You are not responsible for his happiness

Thanks for your reply OneTiredMummy. That's the thing though I want him to be happy so much but if it will cost me my own happiness then it's pointless. I know relationships have ups and downs and I appreciate that as we have already been through our fair share in the past 8 years. I have always tried to balance being there for him whilst finding my own path aswell.

I have said I would have children in a couple more years, I don't want to be childless so that's not the issue, but he isn't willing to wait as he thinks I will just keep putting it off - he might be right I don't know.

Gah why is life so hard, and this is nothing compared to what some people are struggling with!

It's tough. From his point of view he sees that he's getting older, wants to have kids while he's still young. But then if you're not ready then it's never going to happen right now. Maybe commit to trying for a baby when you're 30(if, as you say, you do want kids in a couple of years)? Sounds so clinical but he'll need to know from you what is going to happen otherwise it's all a bit open ended and vague and it'll hang over you until either he runs out of patience waiting and leaves, gives up on the idea of babies or you decide the time is right.

A story from the Cog archives.... My exH and I were together for 12 years. Vigorously healthy sex-life & not so much as a 'scare' on the POAS front because I was scrupulously careful. Looking back, I can see I wanted children - just not his children. By contrast my DS's father I'd known all of five minutes before I knew I wanted his child.

You can take from that what you will but I would suggest you look at the quality of your relationship as well as the timing