Aibu re embarrassing grandparent?

[NoonarAgain]

This is a relationships AIBU thread, wanted a less brutal response than one often gets on AIBU so posted here!

Background: As a teen I was mortified by my mother's appearance. She was and still is very alternative. On a good day she looks ethnic/ bohemian (fine)... On a bad day she looks like a tramp. Proper scruffy. Really unkempt. Not always especially clean. Sorry to sound so brutal but it is true. I am sorry if this makes me sound shallow, but although I love my mum, she still embarrasses me to this day, on occasion. I wish I didn't care about her appearance, but it embarrasses me. I am just being honest.

We've just had a situation with 12 yo dd and a school event...it transpires that dd is embarrassed to have her grandmother come :( I feel sad about this but also really understand my dds feelings. Dd is so caring and was mortified to eventually tell me how she feels, as she loves her GM.

Aibu to tackle this issue with GM or to conspire to keep her away from the school? I Spent years embarrassed by my dm, and dont want dd feel like I did :(

I promise I'm not mean and shallow in general, but some childhood things can stay with you so a bit if help with perspective would be good!

Clouds, sanity... Thanks also for your posts and sharing your experiences. Didn't mean to ignore.

Yes I have DD but she's only 2.5.

I outright tell her and pick out 'nice' outfits for her. I've always been the exact opposite and care far too much what people think of me so it's not like I took her by surprise one day. I've always been a bitch supportive of her looking her best. My mum is often in the newspapers at the minute promoting her new business. She has no makeup on for the pictures and a stupid smile that makes her look terrible.

For me, it's so frustrating because my mum has so many features that I yearn for and wastes them. She's jaw droppingly beautiful when she makes the effort.

My mother, although very attractive for her age, always looked so dowdy. I mean she has money but would look like she went to the thrift shop for her outfits and not in a good way. I still don't get it and have always been really embarrassed by it. Although when she makes an effort she looks beautiful !

I know it's a lie but I have no issue with lying I think is say

'Mum, 'DD' s at that funny age at the moment- she's petrified we're going to show her up in some way so I've promised her we'll look smart. You know what young girls are like yada yada '

Voyage, Eeves, my mum was very beautiful as a young woman and can look still sweet , on a good day. Just wrote a long description but worried about outing myself :(

Noel, I may try something similar but less subtle. I may say 'remember when I was 14 and I only let your come to sports day after approving your outfit...well now it's dds turn to feel like that !'

Noonar-I think you all - all of you who find her embarrassing - need to recognise that she is not a reflection on YOU. Everyone who knows you for what you are and knows you maintain a well groomed appearance will know that you are n ot your Mum and not like your mum. Maybe you all need to agree together that however she is is no reflection on any of you - so leave her to get on with it.

I am assuming she is not rude to people and doesn't spout racist views or masturbate in cafes or anything?

Live and let live, free yourselves of being embarrassed and pay other people the compliment of understanding that your mother is not YOU!

Or do you think other people are shallow enough to form views about you and your dd based in your Mum's grubbiness? And if so, how far do you want to pander to the views of shallow people?

I know it isn't easy and you probably won't manage as a family to liberate yourselves from embarrassment before the school event, but maybe discuss it together and develop a little live and let live- in order to feel stringer and less vulnerable to embarrassment?

I think your planned conversation with her sounds very good.

(my perspective, of course, comes from being a wildly embarrassing mother myself )

My dad goes for the same look so I sympathize.

He's very thick skinned so I could always say ' you look filthy' and he would find it amusing and make an effort if necassary.

'Take me as I am' is his favorite saying.

I would tell her, gently, that dd is feeling v self conscious etc...

Blu, I totally agree. On an intellectual level. Emotionally, I still feel like the embarrassed child and don't want my dd to feel it too. But I accept that I could work on this :)

Thanks John. And no, blu, she doesn't do those things. But her conversation can be quite alternative too.

Blu :) sorry to sound so serious. Meant to add 'lol' as you gave me an interesting visual!

Invited my mother to a preschool graduation thingie. She wouldn't be the best hygiene wise so warned her to try and look a bit smart and have a wash most importantly. Mil was going too and she always looks so polished I didn't want my m feeling or looking out of place beside her. Well! She showed up looked like she was going to a wedding, even got the hair done, all she was missing was the hat.
Christmas nativity play I just didn't ask her tbh.

Hard to know what to say to your mom without hurting her feelings.

Thank you Blu, from another scruffy granny.
That is a horrible age, children are so self-conscious and it breaks my heart for them, but I also think it is important for them to learn that they can't pretend they live in a Disney-Land world but are real people surrounded by real people, all of whom are different and most of whom are interesting.