Just not coping at all with being dumped again

[stormtreader]

Ive been single for years, and over the last 6 months have been seeing someone who started off as a "not perfect but potential".
Hes been a lot more affectionate lately, lots of hand holding and hugs in public and around friends where he never was before, so last night i asked him what he thought about us dating exclusively since we spent all weekend together and it went really well I thought.

Im sure you can guess where this is going :(

He said hes just "not in that giddy place" with me, that he doesnt "feel inclined to do romantic things for you" and that he doesnt think about me except for a day or two before when hes going to come to stay the night.

I feel like such an idiot, to be taken in by all the affectionate behaviour when he actually never cared at all. Im coming up to 34 very soon and ive never been engaged or married, no kids, and I feel like itll just never happen for me now - im not pretty or energetic enough to attract the guys who want that, theyre all looking for 25 year olds.

I just feel so lost in my own life, I dont know where to go from here.

Hi Stormreader, I'm the same age as you and have just posted about being dumped. I don't think being in our 30s should preclude us from having relationships. I have known people in their 50s or 60s to be bereaved and then go onto find love again. I'm focusing on making new friends and pampering myself now I'm not running to and from my ex anymore.

That must have been a really hurtful thing to hear. What was your response? Does he actually want to finish things or just advising you that he's not in the same place as you yet?

BTW I am 32 and recently found love, don't give up, you're still young. Also, learn to love yourself!

What a horrible way to treat someone. Well good that he's gone, you deserve much better.

lesbican he said that he really enjoys spending time with me and doesnt know how he'll feel in the future, but weve been seeing each other since October so I cant really see any grand romance suddenly grabbing him now, and he says thats whats missing and what hed like out of a relationship.

I feel like when guys say "romance" what they really mean is they want someone who'll make them work for every scrap of attention and its just not in me to play those kinds of games, I guess i'm just kind of boring when I think about it? If I really like a guy which isnt often, i wear my heart on my sleeve - I like evenings in watching films and cuddling on the sofa, I like lazy days in bed, maybe im not the kind of person that inspires a grand romance? I know he was besotted with his ex, in "the giddy place" and she was very much an ice queen when it came to doling out attention...

I dont even really understand why the idea of not having kids bothers me so much, ive never been sure that Im really mummy material.

I think its that I always thought having kids would be my choice, I assumed id find a happy and solid relationship like my parents have, and that we would decide between us whether we wanted kids - its having that choice taken away from me by just not finding someone whos right for me is what hurts so much, every day single is another day counting down to the day when im not able to even if i wanted to.

Has he 'taken you in' or has he just been honest?

What an arse!! Why has it taken him so long to realise this?!

As someone who has been dumped many many times... It is crap but the hurt will go away & then one day it dawns on you that he did you a favour!

I'm still waiting for a decent guy to come along & I hope you find one too!! You are by no means left on the shelf.

I didn't meet DH until I was 35. DH is perfect for me, not perfect in every way, but perfect for me. I was constantly being told I was too fussy, but I did not want a chap for the sake of having a chap and have never been someone who needed to be part of a couple. I had stopped looking, bought my own home and just really settled into the 'this is me and like it or lump it' mode, which generally made me much happier. I socialised when I could with friends and colleagues and joined classes and clubs, so had lots that I did, could talk about and enjoyed, which made me a more confident, happier individual - perhaps fitting my shoes properly for the first time really. The ones I fancied didn't fancy me, the ones that fancied me were not my cup of tea and I'd been dumped, but figured they lost out not me!

What I'm saying, is don't stress about the future and do what makes you happy, as this will reflect on your relationships with others. Dump the Arse and do it quickly, so you can move on. You make You happy and the rest will follow - go on, do it!

Perfect for me is really all Ive ever wanted - I seem to be stuck in a bad middle ground between "you dont need a man to be happy, you just have to love yourself more!" and "youre being too picky and unrealistic, no-ones perfect!"

wtf is 'that giddy place'? doesn't sound all that healthy to me

sounds like you have different expectations of what a good, mutually-fulfilling relationship should feel like (and yours sound a lot more realistic and less exhausting)

at least you know now and can put your energies into pleasing yourself and perhaps for someone who deserves you better

By God you are so young and you're talking like you're so over the hill. 30 is the decade in which women begin to understand themselves, and you're not even half way through that!

Being pretty and making men beg for scraps of attention are not related. And playing your cards closish to your chest in the first couple of months of a relationship is not playing games. Nor is only reciprocating to them to the same extent they give to you.

If you have excess love to give at the end of that - give it to yourself!

My ex said this to me three months into our relationship, I think his words were something like "I'm not in love with you, but I am very fond of you, and I'd like to see how things go".

My response: Tried to make myself into someone he would fall in love with, turned myself inside out in the process, put up with all sorts of really shabby behaviour from him.

What I should have done: told him to get to fuck.

What's the old cliche? Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option.

Kernowgal you are very wise, I've seen "Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option." a few times over the last few months and every time its made me uneasy - I think I knew thats what I was doing but I was hoping hed come round. Foolish.

The public physical affection only started a few weeks ago, Id just come out of hospital (another unexpected thing) and he visited me and then was so affectionate, bit of a love bomb really. I thought that maybe him seeing me there had made him realise he really did care, now I think it was just that he was trying to "make me feel better".

Hah thank you, I wish I was wise - had I been, I might have trusted my instincts!

It's a really horrible feeling though, and certainly in my case I felt very rejected even though his behaviour up to that point hadn't been particularly affectionate or caring. These days I hope I would be strong enough to dump his sorry ass there and then.