Young gamer boyfriend cant cope with having a family of his own

[73pinkelephants]

Hi ok so the story is... im alot older than my bf he will be 24 next month, we have a child together who is coming 3 in a few weeks, and i also have 2 other children at home from previous partner. My bf works 5 hrs a day 5 days a week then comes home sits and plays pc or console games for mostly the rest of the day until he comes to bed. He doesnt help much around the home the only thing he does with the kids is taking up to bed putting a dvd on for them and saying goodnight MAYBE on a good month he might take his son to the park or out for a car ride. Bills day to day running of the house and the kids is up to me to sort out, i even have to help him organise things like the MOT on his car because otherwise it wont get done. He has admitted he is lazy and quite happy just sitting at home or going fishing with a friend but always has an excuse if i ask for us all to go somewhere as a family (usually money) So anyway i have been nagging him alot as you can imagine to join in find some get up and go take hold of the responsibilities he chose to take on ( btw he chased me not the other way round ) When we first met he was full of determination he knew exactly what line of work he wanted to do how he was going to do it etc and was a real boost to my self esteem now nearly 5 years down the line its the opposite he drains my energy and i really wish he could just see what he has here. So yesterday morning at 5.20am the usual time i have to wake him up for work as he cant wake himself up, he was moaning at me again about how being a mum at home is so less of a job than packing groceries, the job he does as he hasnt started on with that career yet, i told him to get out not come back etc:( not for the first time) He came back after work and said hes not happy, he cant handle everything he thinks he should move out get his own place that would be a 2hr drive away get a job with better money and sort himself out. This has made me angry because i myself have found some help (cbt) for my anxiety that has come on these past couple of years and i am working on that within the home id love to runaway and have some time out frrom life who wouldnt? but we dont becasue we have family! when we first got together we talked ofc about the age difference and me having kids already and i agreed i would help him find his feet with it all and teach him family life, responsibilities etc to give this relationship a GOOD chance as we really wanted / want on my part it to work out. I know most replies will probably be along the lines of well should of known what you were getting yourself into with a much younger partner so please try not to be too judgemental about that and i really think hes plenty old enough to have home and child responsibilities but advice would be good thanks all.

What Pictish says ^

Do the right thing for yourself and ALL your dc and get rid. He's a bad partner, bad role model and bad father

No judgement here, 12 years between me and my husband (both gamers!). I was his first real relationship too. He chased me. On paper, a nightmare and it had a very rocky time at first but 6 years later it has worked out very well. Becuase he was fundamentally a responsible person. Your partner is not.

Maybe one day he'll grow up but it is too late for the lost years between him and his child and too late for you, you're not his mother. can't believe you're having to even wake him up! I'm sorry to hear you're having to put up with such a manchild and hope that you can kick him out.

I agree with EirikurNoromaour.

i didnt chase him he chased me yes and that 13 year old really was provocative(!)

The issue isn't so much the age gap as the ages when you got together.

I absolutely believe that is an unhealthy dynamic, you're old enough to be his mother, he was absolutely not yet an equal at 19 and you did not have adequate boundaries in place and although, yes I think he needs to take responsibility for his child, I think you have taken someone much younger, unformed and vulnerable and pushed them into a life they are not happy with because you didn't adequately account for their age.

Great he thought he wanted a baby at 20/21 but he evidently was not mature enough to make that decision. Many people aren't. Yes it is possible and should be expected that people take responsibility once the child is here no matter how unfair the situation surrounding the conception was. I've got two children from sexual abuse which I had at 20 and 22 so I know about stepping up even though it's unfair.

However, you told him you were going to be his mother. You told him you would teach him thereby recognising he wasn't your equal and you told him he could take on a child's role in the relationship, but you didn't recognise what him being the child should mean for your relationship - that it wasn't equal and that you should have been aware he was not capable of making the decision to have a child. It's absolutely an abuse and whilst this doesn't entitle him to abuse your child the fact is he was a particularly immature and irresponsible sounding 19 year old when you met him and what you've taught him about fatherhood and adulthood is that he doesn't have to do it. It's going to be difficult for him to unlearn those lessons I think.

I think your relationship needs to end. He absolutely has a responsibility to his child but you need to think about why you wanted to be in a relationship with someone you didn't recognise as an equal and why you didn't have a boundary in place that told you no matter how much he chased you it wasn't right - that comment is a bit victim blamey tbh.

Do your kids have a DVD instead of a bedtime story?

Holla yes, because that the important thing here isnt it? Jeez.....hmm]

You know it's unhealthy and broken. Move on. Give yourself to find your equal.

Holla...are you serious?!

Great post offred. Exactly that.

What Offred said!

What's done is done, so I can't see the point of going on at the OP for her decision to get into the relationship.

What matters is what happens now.

I was married at 19 to someone a year older than me, we had a child when I was 21/him 22, and he's always been a great father and always worked. I know of a man very early twenties, who works long hours, with a toddler and a 5 year old unofficial step-child (they weren't married but he'd acted as the child's father) and although the relationship didn't work out he's still heavily involved with both children, not just his own.There are young men who thrive on fatherhood and responsibility.

However, it doesn't sound as though your young man does. At all. He works 5 hours a day, does sod all else, doesn't look after/play with the kids, do any housework, have any interest in you, or anything?

He's a lodger with sex.

I think people are a bit at the OP saying her boyfriend did all the chasing, it sounds like she's abdicating any responsibility for the situation. And if the genders were reversed, a middle aged man claiming a teenage girl had chased him would be massively flamed.

Maybe holla is pointing out that the little bit of 'parenting' he occasionally stirs himself to do is a bit half arsed in itself? It's a fair point.

Eirikur Maybe, but to me it seemed judgey and sneery towards the OP.

The point is Kentishgirl that the op doesn't see a problem with her behaviour and therefore is liable to repeat the same or similar mistakes in the future.

It absolutely is not that a 19/20/21/22/23 year old cannot take or be expected to take responsibility or know their own mind. It is that the disparity in ages and maturity caused an inequality which has basically resulted in the abuse/exploitation of the younger partner and also is now likely to lead to the child being emotionally abused by being abandoned (which is not the op's fault, he's responsible for that but she is responsible for her behaviour towards him).

Yes it probably was meant to be, but I do think it's a valid point.

He was a hormonal horny teenager when you met, you should have known better and instead of giving him house space, sent him away with a flea in his ear.

I think I mainly agree with that.
There's no use in debating what should have happened. That door is closed now, and there's a wee girl in the fray.
Her dad is a lazy, disengaged, selfish dick, and Offred I think he is responsible for that.

OP - this relationship is spent. He's too young for you. When you offered to teach him how to be an adult, you took on a defined maternal role. It was doomed from the start.
However, silver lining! You have a lovely daughter. She deserves better than a lazy, immature father at loggerheads with a resentful, unhappy mum.
You just shouldn't be together any more.

Of course he's responsible for his child, I've said that all along but the op is resp

Oops

Responsible for her behaviour towards him.

And there is a point.

The op's a middle aged woman who took serious advantage of a young man not long out of childhood. She doesn't see anything wrong with that. I think she needs to readjust her thinking and boundaries because "I agreed to teach him" isn't compatible with "he chased me". He's either and equal or he isn't.

I think it's a risk you take when you get with someone who is much younger. I don't think it's paid off for you and I don't think you can make him responsible. Like others have said it can depend upon the person rather than their age. Facing reality can be hard. He may come good in a few years. Good luck OP