I think I'm going to talk to him about it so need to know AIBU?

[LaDiDaDi]

Dp likes to go out with his mates. Dd is 14 weeks and he has gone out every wednesday and saturday night since she was born, including when she had just come home from scbu four days previously. i'm getting a bit fed up with it. He always assumes that I won't mind, last week I couldn't go out with my friend on wednesday because it's his night, although there was no other night that i could see my friends. If I go out it's usually a cheap drink at a nearby pub with one of us driving or going to a friend's house. When he goes out he goes to his hometown 17 miles away doesn't get home til after midnight-1am and pays for a taxi home. I'm p'd off with this waste of money and the fact that he leaves me and dd so much when I was pregnant he promised he would cut down on his going out, so now he doesn't go round to his nearby friends house on Thursday nights, the night which costs least in terms of time out and money.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think it is unreasonable to want your dp around more, and to spend less money if money is a concern for you as a family (iykwim). I do think you nee dto be careful because at 14 weeks your hormones are still fully capable of creeping into any "discussion" and turning it into a screaming/shouting/sobbing display! Also careful that of your fed up-ness with it isn't some sort of jealousy that he gets to go out so often/has 'better social' life...jealousy isn't really a good basis for a discussion...but practical and emotional support with a young baby is. Also, I really think you should have been able to go out with your friends that wednesday especially if you going out is a rarity...

The money thing is only a concern because I'm on maternity leave so on a much reduced salary. I just feel that if I spent as much money on myself as he does on going out then we wouldn't be able to manage financially and that somehow doesn't feel fair.

The other issue is his smoking. He has always smoked in the time we have been together but agreed when we started ttc conceive that he would give up. He did really well for a few months when I was preg, then around New Year he started to have fags when out. When I had dd it was a very stressful time. DD and I were both very poorly and he started to smoke again properly. I don't blame him for this but I'm really annoyed that he hasn't tried to give up again despit knowing how bad it is for dd .

If anyone's unreasonable, it's him. He sounds unwilling to make any changes since your baby's birth. He may feel excluded or no connection to baby but he really should make the effort.

Make sure he knows that it's because you want him around you and dd more, not really because you're pissed off with him.

Present him with a practical solution. Work out how much money is left over each month after bills have been paid. Take that amount and divide it equally between you. Your dp's will pay for his nights out and cigarettes out of his half. He gets no extra if he runs out befoe the end of the month.

You will have more equality wrt money and he will soon discover that he can't afford 8 nights out a month as well as a supply of cigarettes.

I tried talking to dp. It's really difficult because he justs sits and listens to what I say and only responds if really pushed.

He made no comment about the smoking issue. He asked if I was going to stop going out with my friends. Pointed out that I went out to a friend's house on Monday night. I was out the house for 3 hours and spent £4 on a bottle of wine. I drove so no taxi to pay for etc and had half a glass of wine to drink. He then said "well I'll not go out anymore then" I told him that he was being stupid and that wasn't what I was asking him to do, although I regret saying that as I'm sure that's what he was expecting me to say, it would have been funny to see his face if I'd said what a good idea it was.

No real conclusion yet. He has gone fishing and dd is with his parents for a few hours. I ended the conversation by saying that I love him dearly, I just want him to think more about what is best for all three of us as a family rather than what is best for him alone. We didn't argue about it all but I just feel that nothing will change. Any thoughts?

LaDiDaDi does he smoke in the house??? My H is also terrible with money and won't think twice about over spending even when we have no money whatsoever like now. Could you sit down and budget so much per week and share it out between the two of you what's left over after bills/food/baby etc. Then you can both go out and enjoy yourselves. How about a night out together with someone babysitting. That way you both get time away and some good together time which is really really important. I should know that's where I've screwed up this relationship.

No he doesn't smoke in the house, only outside. Today I said how sad it makes me feel that he smokes when he knows how bad it is and how horrible I feel when he picks dd up for a cuddle and he stinks of fags .

This is so typical of a lot of men. Their life doesn't change to the degree that the mum's does and he probably doesn't see why he has to change at all.
Are you letting him be involved with the baby or are you so full on that he thinks it is easier just to let you do everything rather than try and get told he isn't doing it right?

He needs to stop smoking now. Going outside is not enough. He will stink of smoke, it will be on his clothes and every time he smokes he may as well take 2 minutes off his baby's life as well as his own. If he cares anything for her he will stop.

No one is saying he can't go out. He should have different priorites now. If you were happy with less outings, nearer to home, etc it would be okay and wouldn't matter who spends more/goes out more/has more fun, etc but clearly you aren't.

You are equal to him and the only way he can do all these things that upset you is if you let him.

He is a dad now. He needs to start acting like one.

When he is in he is involved with dd. When she cries he always hands her to me though.

I think he didn't realise how different life would be with a lo. I also think that I miss work quite a lot. I have a really busy, sociable job where i get to meet lots of people and I miss that. I do get out and about and try to meet other mums during the day but it's not the same. I think that the loss of role is more important to me than I had realised.

It is a real shock when you have your first baby. I was a nanny for 10 years and it still was a huge shock. Being a mum doesn't seem to count anymore, you have to work outside the home as well, live in a perfectly clean and tidy place, cook lovely meals each night and be back in your jeans before the baby is a month old and be back in the sack a week later.

Hope things sort themselves out for you. Talk to him.

it sounds like he doesn't really respond to the points you're bringing up. perhaps he thinks that if he lets you air your complaints that's enough. i'd push him to commit to a solution and take it from there. he has to grow up a little...