boyfriend doesn't want kids or marriage

[annajewel]

background info.

My guy and I have been together for 6 years. I moved to a tiny town 2 hours away from my friends and family, to live with him. We have lived here for 2 years now. We have a 3 bedroom house (renting) and 2 dogs(his). We are happy, no relationship is ever perfect and we very rarely argue.

I have known from the start that he did not want marriage or kids. (He has had a rough childhood, divorced parents, really abusive dad). It didn't really bother me, I figured we had time. I don't mind not getting married, being common law partner is pretty much the same thing nowdays. I eventually wanted kids, not then, not now but I realized I am not getting any younger and will want kids in a few years.

I am now 28 and he is 34. His family came over for the weekend and spent two nights. Don't know how the conversation came up, but he said that we were not common law partners, he was worried about that, had researched this extensively. And even though we have lived together for 2 years, we have to share assets (or something along that line) to be common-law.

I was quite surprised because I had assumed we would be common law. We moved to this town together, so everybody in town assumed from the start that we were married.

Anyways, now I am worried about this. Where are we going to be in another 2 years? I will have to bring this up with him. But it has also brought up the fact that I eventually want kids (which he doesn't want but he would be a fantastic dad and wont be like his father for sure. because that is one of the reason he is scared.)

I have come to the realization I cannot change his mind about the marriage and kids, I have known that from the start, but I guess I thought he might eventually change his mind. Anyways, I am now 28 and I wont be getting any younger. Just thinking about where to go from here and how important kids are to me?

As someone with a track record of relationships with men who didn't want children (2 of 3 years, 1 of 6 years) they have all been resolute. All now mid to late 40's (and the first I dated when I was 18) not one child for any of them.

Believe what he says, he will not change his mind if he is this certain now.

I think what would upset me most from your weekend is that he was so determined to fight his independent corner to his family while you were sat there on a different page. That was very belittling and unpleasant.

(And if he does get rich and famous and decide to start his family age 70+ the mother will need to be less than half his age..thinking of a couple of tv people here in UK)

You're wasting your fertile years, frankly. If you definitely want the chance to have children you have to end it.

It's not just that he doesn't want children. He seems not to want a committed relationship with unconditional love either (maybe he's scared because of his history, but it doesn't seem like he wants to change). I'm sorry; this sounds very painful.

I don't think he's dealt with his abusive childhood.

I attempted to bring up the subject after supper, and he got annoyed/ mad. I was very calmly asking him why he was soo worried. and he said he said that he is not ready to be common law, that sometimes we are not doing so great, and he doesn't want to be common law because it almost the same as being married.

I would not be living with someone who felt that way about me. The fact that he won't even let you speak to him about it is ridiculous and what he's basically saying is he wants to use you for company, sex and to pay some bills but doesn't really like you!

You want different things but the way he treats you shows that he feels he is superior and you don't have a right to feelings.

Cut your losses with this guy over the children but also I would run from what appear to be abusive traits in someone who doesn't appear to have dealt with childhood abuse.

There are two separate issues going on: One is kids, one is how he views your relationship.

On kids, he was open with you from the start that he didn't want them. A couple of things you've posted ('he would make a great dad, I know he'd be different to his parents') suggest you think/hope he will change his mind. You have to assume he won't. Not wanting kids is a valid choice and being open about it is decent.

However, I can sympathise because society is full of men (and women) who insisted they didn't want kids and marriage when what they actually meant, and were too scared to say, is I don't want kids or marriage with my current partner. Hence the all to common trend for someone to hold out for years with a "girlfriend" and swiftly find themselves with a different wife and child when that breaks down.

But the key about making these big life decisions is you discuss them. What concerns me is that he seems to have closed down. I suspect this is either because your current set up is good enough for him and he knows that this conversation risks ending the relationship.

But the other risk is that he's just disengaged from the relationship and can't be bothered with any maintenance of it. Listen to what he's saying. He actively doesn't want any commitment with you. This isn't about deeply held beliefs. That is about how he feels about you. I wouldn't be happy with that, he's taking the relationship backward. Even if you both agree on a childfree future (which I would counsel against as you seem all too aware that you'd regret this), what you currently have is not a happy relationship of equals.

I think in your position I would issue an ultimatum. As much as his wish not to have children must be respected, so must your wishes also be respected.

I would not try to persuade him but calmly state that as your wishes are so very different then the relationship has to end. If he is in any way hovering this may make him realise that he is willing to change his mind.

Don't argue, just state it as the sad fact it is. Then move on, there really are other fish in the sea and Mr. Wonderful could be just round the corner.

Being brutally honest, I think his heart isn't truly in this relationship. He sounds to me like one of those men who either genuinely doesn't want marriage and kids and never will, or one of those who will stall his various girlfriends over the years until one day in his 40s he finds his perfect partner and becomes Mr Family Man overnight. Either way, it's not going to be you he's with.

I would strongly advise you to get out now. I was in a very similar situation myself, but I was nearly 10 years older than you are. I stuck around thinking a miracle might happen, but of course it didn't. I left it too late. I went ahead and had two fantastic kids via IVF sperm donation, and whilst I'm very happy with my kids, I will always feel a bit sad that I missed out in having a "proper family". It's not how I hoped my life would be. You still have plenty of time to achieve what you want, but only if you leave this relationship.

If you don't feel quite ready to let go of this relationship just yet, then you could view this as a test for him. I've had 2 friends in your situation who called their partner's bluff, left them, only for their partners to come crawling back begging to be given a second chance.

After 6 years, he doesn't want to be in a (Canadian) common law relationship or marriage with you?
He clearly doesn't want kids and you do do that's reason enough to end it... but personally I wouldn't want to spend another 6 months let alone years with someone who wasn't committed to me.

I have also had a friend who after a year of arguing about marriage and kids gave an ultimatum and left. Six months later her partner won her back and a year later they were married. Now with two beautiful kids. He was just scared. This may not be the case with you, your dp may really not want kids deep down. Having the conversation and being prepared to walk away is the only way to find out though. Let him go, and of he really loves you and wants commitment and Children he will find his way back. If not you ate free to start the next exciting chapter of your life with a man who does. Good luck.

Agree with another poster, in that some men stall all through their thirties & then meet someone later, and get married, have a baby... it can be hard to take if you're the ex left behind. I know a few eternal bachelors who suddenly wanted it all.

Ignoring the child thing for a minute (albeit it's a big factor) - after six years he doesn't want to be committed to you in any sort of permanent form, after you uprooted your entire life to be with him.

You need to listen to what he is telling you - regardless of the fact it isn't what you want to hear.

He may love you, but he doesn't love you enough. He doesn't love you enough to want to have any form of permanent bind to you. He doesn't love you enough to discuss with you your understandable questions and fears about where the relationship is going. He doesn't love you enough to try to address his ongoing issues so that he can be the partner that you deserve.

You are settling for half of a relationship here - please give yourself the chance to have more.

I slightly got the feeling from your post that the reality of your situation hasn't hit you yet. I don't think a chat about the future will help, unless you tell him that you've realised you have different priorities and can he see himself fit in with them?

Good luck with it.

I think you are wasting your time with this guy. For me it is not even about the children (although that is very important and please do not live to regret any decision you make in respect of this or especially failing to make a decision through the balance of apathy) it that after 6 years he is not willing to acknowledge a basic level of commitment to you are your relationship and indeed has been researching to make sure that he could wriggle out of it.

Children are not the be all and end all for many people but to give up on the possibility of them (when you think you may want them) for this wishy washy relationship seems to be a big mistake.

The man is protecting his own interests and there is nothing wrong with that.

He made it clear from day one that he wasn't offering marriage or children as that was not his end goal of the relationship.

That doesn't mean he has failed in his role as a supportive and loving OH. Only the OP can answer if he has. But he obviously has clear boundaries that he has stated from the outset.

To me it seems clear he is saying that he does not want to financially protect you in the event of the relationship breakdown by sharing assets and as such has read up about common law stuff. By explicitly stating no common law status has arisen to others he is preventing any arguing on your part that a presumed interest has arisen. I presume he holds the greater wealth in your relationship.

If you want marriage and children then move on. There are still a men out there willing to do this.

Men who have chosen not to have children and marriage have chosen a different path but usually are steadfast in not changing their mind.

Sorry.

Heed what the other posters are saying. A friend of mine stayed with a man for ten years when he said he did not want to marry or have children. In her case he should have added onto with her. She is now ttc with her boyfriend and she is 38. She has some fertility issues, and may end up with no children. She would make a lovely mum, and it is so upsetting for her.

Get out now, it will be painful, and you wil need time to get over it, but you need to go for what you want, life does not get any happier when you consider everyone else's happiness over your own, do it for you and what you want to do with your life.

He has been very truthful, and he will have to face the consequences of this. Do not bank on him changing his mind.

Did he want you to move in with him in the first place, OP? Or were you the one who was keener on the idea? Because it seems to me that you have always been the one trying to hang on to this relationship and progress it, while he has been telling you firmly and continually that you are not his soulmate, he does not want to marry you and he has no intention of having children with you.

Has he tried to end the relationship before now? ANd have you refused to go?