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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex partner no where to go whilst seeing children

26 replies

Yepyep333 · 24/03/2014 17:20

I have 3 dc, my ex p comes to see them on a Sunday but always stays in my house with them, he lives 1 hour away in a bedsit so not suitable to take children there, whilst I have been ok with this for a while I feel like he shouldn't rely on me so much and take some responsibility in his life. When he is here is absolutely vile to me, I put up with it or the children wouldn't see their father, over the recent months it has slowly dawned on me just how rude, nasty and narcissistic he is and I feel hatred towards him, If I said he couldn't come here and see the children I know he wouldn't make any effort to see them and I feel distraught for my children as they think the world of him, what do I do?

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 24/03/2014 17:23

what is wrong with his bedsit just for a day?
it is his problem not yours, he could take them to the park or whatever.
if he is rude and nasty to you in front of them it could be classed as 'emotional abuse'

HudYerWeisht · 24/03/2014 17:32

It's not up to you to facilitate contact between them. He needs to step up a take responsibility.

Personally I would tell him that going forward it is up to make arrangement for himself in the kids. Either going out places or back to his or his parents or basically anywhere (within reason) that is not your house.

If he doesn't make any effort then TBH the effort (pfffft) that he puts in at the moment will tail off eventually anyway.

He isn't your responsibility, force him to stand on his own two feet. You never know, it might be the push he needs to be a better Dad. I hate to say it but from my experience it probably won't be but you never know.

Fairylea · 24/03/2014 17:38

He could have them at the bedsit or at a contact centre. He could take them to the park and then a cafe and the library. You don't have to have him take a step in your house. He's being very unreasonable.

NatashaBee · 24/03/2014 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/03/2014 17:57

Agreeing with PPs, you are under no obligation to host him, just facilitate. He can - like thousands of other fathers - find other places to take the DCs for the time he's with them. Grandparents' house, his place, off-site somewhere. It is not your responsibility, especially if he's offensive. If he ends up not seeing the children that would be his decision alone. They may not miss him as much as you think.

Fairy1303 · 24/03/2014 17:58

He does have somewhere to take them... the cinema, out for tea, swimming, the park, hop on the bus and go to his for the day.

He is using this as an opportunity to control you, it is absolutely classic. He is abusing you in front of your children, you need to put your foot down.

If it is not a method of control it is at the very least bloody lazy parenting - putting the ball back in his court will be make or break for him, as pp says, It might be the kick he needs to be a better father (doubtful) but I would argue that if he does fall off the planet, it will be better for your children than having to watch daddy be abusive to mummy every sunday.

Original poster

Yepyep333 · 24/03/2014 17:59

Thank you for your replies, ex p can't drive so it would take 2 trains and a bus ride to get to his bedsit, it is on the 5th floor and has a balcony which is very low so I'm not sure I would even let him take them, not that he has ever suggested it. He often says I should drive them to his mums and pick them up but his mother lives 1hr away so that would mean I would have to make a 4hr round trip and to be honest it's not up to me to do that. Yes he could take them to the park and out for lunch, I do suggest it but he'd rather sit in mine all day. I'm just fed up with it now as I have been more than reasonable and he has done nothing to help himself.

OP posts:

FushandChups · 24/03/2014 18:04

I would go out if the other opportunities are just not there. Anything but be stuck in a house with an abusive arse

Spero · 24/03/2014 18:05

You have been more than reasonable. The weather is getting nicer, he has got no excuse.

If he will refuse to see the children if you don't let him have free reign of your house and to abuse you, then frankly, they are probably better off with him out of their life.

mammadiggingdeep · 24/03/2014 18:13

If he is the type of father to be rude and nasty to his children in front of their mother (in HER house) then I think him letting contact drop would do them a huge favour in the lo g run.
I would tell him you don't want him there any more and see what happens. Or maybe say you want him to come every other Sunday and then go out when he's there. That could make it more bearable.

Melonbreath · 24/03/2014 18:49

Tell your kids he's taking them out for the day and greet him at the door with them in their coats all ready.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/03/2014 18:53

Tell him he is no longer allowed in your home, end of. And if he disappears, let him go. If he were to go to court (and he sounds far too lazy and selfish to do so) he wouldn't be allowed access to you against your wishes. Court- ordered contact is for the benefit of the DC - you just have to make them available at agreed times.

Nomama · 24/03/2014 19:02

STOP!

You are worrying over him and his contact. Why? I know, you want the kids to know their dad.... but dad just seems to be using contact as a way to make you run round after him.

Any transport or cash problems he has are his, not yours. It would be nice if you could help him out, if that were convenient, but it isn't, 4 hours indeed!

There, even without mentioning his being vile to / about you in you own home, he is being unreasonable.

Hand them over at the doorstep in their coats with a bright and breezy "Daddy is taking you out today", is a lovely idea

But do let him sink or swim on his own! Any upset your kids experience will be his fault and short lived, they have a lovely mummy!

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 24/03/2014 19:08

Just stop doing this. It's up to him to make the effort. It's not doing your kids any good in the long term if he just swaggers in and acts like an abusive asshole.

Call or text him now and explain that from now on he cannot stay in your house as his behaviour is unacceptable.

AFishCalledBarry · 24/03/2014 19:17

I used to be in a similar position. XH lived 4 hours away and would come to visit DD in my home. He was an utter bastard to me and I eventually had the balls to tell him he had to take her out because I refused to be treated like that in my home and wouldn't allow DD to hear what he was saying.

It worked. He had to start using his imagination and actually think of things to do with her. The relief was immense.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 24/03/2014 19:45

So you're busting a gut to ensure that your children get a weekly dose of dysfunctional fucked-up adult emotional abuse, just so that they won't miss out on learning all the hideous damaging lessons they'd be learning if you'd stayed together?

Do THEM a favour and don't let him over the door. Let them see that it's not ok to speak vilely to other people, it's not ok to bully or intimidate, and let them see their mother not allowing any of that vile behaviour under her roof.

If he disappears? Look forward to seeing happier, more well-adjusted children.

AnyFucker · 24/03/2014 19:47

Why can't he take them out for the afternoon ?

I would not be facilitating the child contact of someone who couldn't keep a civil tongue in his head. Fuck that. His problem, not yours.

wannabestressfree · 24/03/2014 19:55

I am sorry I am with everyone else. Why are you doing this? It's not your responsibility. Tell him the next time he visits he will be collecting them. Don't micro manage by asking what he will be doing with them just say you will see them later.

Basically grow a pair. This is no life

Original poster

Yepyep333 · 24/03/2014 19:58

Thanks everyone, I know that if he continues to come into my home and disrespect me the way he does it will damage my children, I also know deep in my heart that if I don't let him come round he won't bother coming at all. I guess that's why I have put up with it for so long, my heart breaks for my lovely children but they will always have me to love and support them in everything they do.

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 24/03/2014 20:02

OP, I think you have been brainwashed by this man and have stopped thinking rationally about it.

You simply must know that there are non resident parents (mostly men) out there who would crawl across broken glass to see their DC and yet are denied any contact.

As previous posters have said, your only responsibility here is to make the DC available.

If he actually stops wanting to see them when he realizes he cannot sit around abusing you all day then why would you want to facilitate contact? Not exactly Dad of the Year is he?

Tell him that from now on he cannot use your home for access and repeat repeat repeat. If he doesn't come then, from what you have said, it doesn't sound like much of a loss for the DC who spend the day stuck at home listening to Daddy slag Mummy off.

LavenderGreen14 · 24/03/2014 20:06

So the only reason he comes to see them isn't to see them at all - it is just another opportunity to bully and abuse you?

I agree - he does not set one foot over your threshold ever again. I bet he won't bother to see them after that. Probably the best thing if this is how he behaves.

AnyFucker · 24/03/2014 20:15

If he would stop seeing them for this, then yes his only reason to come is to continue his bullying and controlling abuse of you

I am not a believer that children should have their father in their life no matter what the cost. Cut him out.

CurtWild · 24/03/2014 20:26

Today my stbxh told me he wouldn't see our DC, (another one who comes to my house to see them because he can't 'cope'), if I didn't call him and 'make more effort to keep him in their lives'. I told him if he wanted to see our DC it is up to him to make the effort, and that I've done enough.
I know if I don't call he won't see them. I suspect your ex is cut from the same cloth, OP.

AnyFucker · 24/03/2014 20:29

Yeah, cheap nylon, I'd say. Fucking deadbeats.

LavenderGreen14 · 24/03/2014 20:50

I agree with AF (as usual).

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