Is it alright for me to leave without telling him?

[Samhainslass]

No children, several pets, rented house. Married for over twelve years, together since I was 21. He is 42, I am 34, so I am also limited re applying for Housing Benefit etc, which makes moving even more difficult. I feel trapped. I don't love him, in fact I don't feel anything for him any more. I have been trying to make it work for several years, but the marriage is dead. We never go out aside from grocery shopping, we rarely speak, and sex has not been part of the equation for so long that I no longer even miss it. There is no affection. I have told him more than once that I am not happy and he always twists it around into how hard leaving would be on him. He won't agree to a trial separation never mind a divorce. He is emotionally unstable and I am a little afraid of him over reacting when I go.

Financially, I can't afford to move out yet. Somehow all the household costs, big bills for (his) car repairs and vets costs etc always end up coming out of my income, whilst he manages to fritter his away on junk food and takeaways and so forth. So I have begun saving in secret, and am putting together a plan to leave. If I could get a credit card between now and then it would help with moving, but I have never had one and no idea if I can qualify. My theory is that if I save a set amount each month I can be able to move out and live off my savings until I get organised, find new job etc, as I will have to relocate completely to avoid him turning up at the door. So I want to have enough set by to do this. I figure it will take me about a year and a half to be ready. I can manage that. I can count the days.

If it wasn't for the animals I would just pack a bag and go now, but I need to be able to provide for them. Not about to abandon them, not an option, they are the only source of affection I have. And I don't trust him to take proper care of them tbh. I just want out before I am too used to this to adapt to something else

I miss my family. Have become very isolated from them. Suspect they suspect, but not sure how to tell them yet.

Could you not tell your family? they may be able to help you get out quicker?

How about you make proper contact with your family, tell them how miserable things have become and you leave sooner rather than later by going to stay with them while you save for your own place ?

A year and a half of continuing to live like this will be torture for you. What kind of animals do you have?
Perhaps a family member could help with either the animals or a deposit for a flat/house.
Start looking for a job now in the area that you want. The rest of the details will fall into place once you know you will have money coming in and can find somewhere to stay

Hi,

re your comment:-
"So I have begun saving in secret, and am putting together a plan to leave. If I could get a credit card between now and then it would help with moving, but I have never had one and no idea if I can qualify. My theory is that if I save a set amount each month I can be able to move out and live off my savings until I get organised, find new job etc, as I will have to relocate completely to avoid him turning up at the door. So I want to have enough set by to do this. I figure it will take me about a year and a half to be ready. I can manage that. I can count the days".

No, no and no again re 18 months. You need to leave this person far, far sooner than that date. Another 18 months or so of you with him will completely destroy you. You need a plan to leave, certainly, but you need to leave far sooner than in 18 months time.

As your main concern is the animals (what are we talking about here?) I would contact someone like the RSPCA or one of the local animal charities and get them rehomed if you are concerned about their welfare.

I would also suggest you talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and seek legal advice as to divorcing if you have not already done that. They can help you set yourself free.

I completely understand about not wanting to leave the animals behind.

However, the longer you stay with him bleeding you (almost) dry every month, the longer it will take to save the funds just to go.

Why not apply for a credit card and see what happens? I think your best bet is probably your own bank. I wouldn't normally recommend someone take on potential debt but you need some funds to get you the hell out of there.

Just tell your family. There's no easy way through some conversations - you've just got to do it. If you're determined to go (and you should be), you need to make this real, so you can relapse into 'better the devil you know'.

Can't you apply for new jobs now? Would he have to know?

On paper, it all sounds very practical - you've worked out a savings plan, thought about additional credit, want to look after the animals etc
But do you really want to be living like this for another 18 months?

Whilst I wouldn't normally encourage getting into debt without good reason - this possibly qualifies as good reason, so apply for one credit card now and see if you get accepted. If you've never had, be prepared for a knock back as you don't have perceived credit history. Perhaps ask at your own bank, rather than random online application. But, that's detail - what I mean is, can you fast track the exit?

Try to summon up courage to tell your family. If you suspect they suspect, then it might be easier than you think. Can any of them offer practical support e.g. Somewhere to live.

Also investigate alternatives - would a job with a tied-house, e.g. Housekeeper on private estate, be an option? Might not seem like the ideal,forever situation - but it might be a short-term option.

I agree with everyone else but am confused about your comment about housing benefit - how are you limited because of that?

I second the idea of live in jobs. I've done several of these, including hotel work in the wilds of the Scottish Islands. Though hotels might not be ideal if you have a dog, I'm guessing live in housekeeper or something on a county estate would positively welcome dogs!