Marriage in trouble

[BrokenDownstairs]

Hi I've named changed for this. Am looking for advice from wise mumsnetters who have been through this.

A bit of relavent history..DH and I have been together for 8 years and married for nearly 2. We have 2 DS 2yr old and 13 weeks. Had a difficult birth this time round forceps and episiotomy that became infected and has left me with a grade 2 vaginal prolapse and an episiotomy wound that's healed with a big raw scar and gaping Vaginal entrance that rubs on my clothes and along with the prolapse generally makes me feel shit.

DH sat me down last night for a 'chat' I could tell he's very frustrated and angry he had to talk to me about this as its not like him at all. He basically said that we've got problems regarding the lack of sex in our relationship. The back story is I've had a low sex drive for about 3 years. I just stated getting it investigated when we fell pregnant with DS1. We didnt have sex through the whole pregnancy and the lack of sex continued. I fell preg with DS2 on the first try, bleeding in early preg so again no sex all pregnancy and now with my butchered undercarriage still no sex.

Weirdly since having DS2 I've started to notice my desire coming back (ironic seeing as I can't bloody do it!) however things keep getting better then worse down there so I've not been brave enough to try DTD yet.

He says its not the no sex that's his issue at the moment it's that he says I am not affectionate and we don't do anything else ie foreplay Eric. Everytime he tries it on with me I push him away. This is true.

I feel there is such a wall between us and this has gone on so long I don't know how to start being different and I will feel staged however if I don't I know my marriage is on the line. The atmosphere is awful today.

For information I'm seeing a womans health physio this week and my GP to beg for a gynae ref. I might ask for a psychosexual counselling ref and the thought of him going anywhere near my fanjo in the state it's in brings me out in a cold sweat.

He's a good man and has been as you can see very patient. He just wants some affection and prob lets be honest a bit more but I don't know how to start this off. I've read threads from men on here whose wives up there game in the bedroom and then that's not good enough as its fake?! Is my marriage doomed already?

Bumping my own thread :-(

Definitely get a gynae referral. See what they can do for you as far as prolapse repair etc. Not surprised you are feeling down on yourself physically and sexually, sounds really distressing and uncomfortable. Re your husband, try to explain to him how you feel and ask him to be patient. If you've get a timetable for treatment and know more about possible solutions physically then perhaps this might help you to feel better about yourself.

It sounds like you have a positive plan. I think you know what to do. You sound very brave. Also sad. for you. I hope you both get the help you are looking for and go forward together. Meantime, handholding and listening here.

Im not sure I'm qualified to answer and I'm sure a load of people will disagree with how I deal with my own situation but didn't want to leave you unanswered. I have a low sex drive but my dp and I have a very close and intimate relationship by hugging, massage and foreplay, which then makes me more interested in sex. I understand that you can't at the moment (I was In a similar situation a few years ago), but you can give mutual foot rubs, hug and kiss. Maybe give each other sensual massages and reconnect with your bodies (keeping a nightie on if you feel shy about your body). Of course, he will get turned on. I'd normally say, if you are by this point relaxed and aroused, go for it, but as you physically can't, I would suggest playing with him?
I found us focussing on sensuality rather than sexuality really helped our relationship and led to a more equal sex drive/balance. It also is great when we're both tired as it is actually rejuvenating and something to enjoy rather than another thing on the to do list.
Hth and, as I say, only my solution, and I'm sure others will have alternative views or say that my methods didn't work for them! Also, it does depend on your relationship basically being happy and stable, without other major issues around trust/equality/responsibility.

Oh yes, and definitely go for medical treatment and counselling. Both brilliant plans. Maybe join the "any old prolapse" thread (not sure what it's called now, I think they filled that thread up), it's a support group on mn for all birth injuries.

Ehhn what you describe is what I think we need to do but I can't seem to cross that bridge to do it it's like there's an intimacy wall between us if anyone can relate to that? Or am I making excuses. As for having a plan.. He knows this is the plan but he says because I was like this before DS2 it's not relavent

There is a rather trite expression 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. Even if it feels forced at first, you both have to make some steps to reengage, or your relationship is definitely heading for trouble. One thing that really helps, funnily enough, is laughing. This may sound really daft, but get a DVD of something or a comic that you both find hilarious, or better still go to a comedy night, and really just laugh. The biological process of Laughter and orgasm are in some ways physically/chemically connected. And you guys will just have some fun, remembering how it feels to not worry about things for 30-60mins and reconnect with your happiness - breaks the ice and gives you somehing to to talk about and bond over, even if it's just to joke about how shit a comedy set was. There's a reason comedy nights become more popular during a recession!