Prepared for a flaming - but need advice. Sorry. Long.

[suchabloodymess]

NC for this. Obvs. I'm in such a mess. We're in such a mess.

Married to DH for 8 years. 2 DDs 6 and just 4.

Marriage difficult from the get-go. Met DH while both involved with a very full-on church. So didn't have sex beforehand, and only had a 4 month relationship before getting engaged (during which point I lost my Dad to cancer - we got engaged 2 months after that – make of it what you will) and just a 4 month engagement before getting married, (mostly his idea).

Has always been a difficult relationship. Sex dreadful, but apparently very effective - despite using birth control I found out i was pregnant on our foirts wedding anniversary. DH has been, for much of our marriage very controlling.

I had catastrophic PND after DD1, coupled with PTSD and significant physical damage (problems during pregnancy, horrible horrible brutal foreceps delivery). So while I had never been bothered about having sex with DH and did so mostly to avoid arguments, I now couldn't bear the thought. Almost suicidal for a while with the PNDS. DH genuinely baffled by the whole thing, I think. Not very helpful during it, and frustrated and angry by my lack of libido. And also my lack of faith (which disappeared with the PND, frankly, if not before with the death of my Dad)

But he became very critical and then very absorbed in work and mostly not at home or attached to his laptop. DD2 came along after maybe only having sex three times after DD1 was born.

I went back to work again after DD2 then quit my job and set up my own business. Started getting myself back, after many years of feeling like someone I didn't recognise. Business flourished (but going through a tough time just now.). Marriage disintegrated. lots of arguments

Unsurprisingly then I met someone through work, and we fell headlong for each other. He is also married, although has an open marriage (this I know because she and I had lunch).

DH found out about the affair. Forgave me. Accepted responsibility for his part. Is working hard to be a better husband and father – I'd say he's succeeding more with the latter than the former

I tried to break it off with the other man. Several times. I've failed to do this. I love him. The sex is amazing. He's not offering me anything other than OW status – but I'm actually not looking for another husband. I'm not sure I'm suited to marriage, frankly.

I see OM now only about once every 3-4 months. We email a lot. Speak on the phone maybe once/twice a week. He says I am the love of his life. But he won't leave his wife, largely for fear of being his dad who did exactly that, and other reasons. And he has no need – his wife knows about me and accepts the situation.

DH is trying monumentally hard, but is still controlling and emotionally manipulative.

I honestly don't know what to do. I think all the time of how I could leave him and be free. But then I think about the devastation for our children.

I feel like I can't stay in the marriage, and yet I can't leave the marriage. I am terrified by either prospect.

I am deeply unhappy in my marriage, but then i think "What the hell does that matter, you selfish bitch. Think of your children. They love their Dad, what gives you the right to wreck their home because you're 'unhappy'."

I can't bear the thought of leaving the OM. I love him, and want him. It feels like he's the only thing keeping me going, actually.

But I can't go on like this. I am unsuited to subterfuge and a terrible liar. I think the tension is making me ill. But I don't know what to do. I feel terrified and desperate, frankly.

Go on, then do you worst. I need to hear it all, I think.

And thank you for bothering to read this far. I'm not going to try and reread and edit, so apologies of this is a bit of a mess. I didn't want to drip feed, but I didn't want to bore you all rigid either.

SABM

Both these men are shit.

Cut them both loose and be on your own

Your H can still be a good father whilst not in a relationship with you

the OM will find some one else to fuck outside of his marriage and his wife will accept that too (I truly hope she gets her own jollies)

eventually your head will clear and you will stop compromising your self for the sake of men

So if you had to choose - which would you give up? Your husband or the OM? You know you will have to give up one of them because, subterfuge is not for you. So which?

Do you KNOW the OM has told his wife that he loves you - or has he just told you that he's told her that? I would have thought that was a 'deal-breaker' in an open marriage but I don't know much about them.

Could you move away with your family? A new start somewhere else might be the impetus you need to get your marriage onto a committed footing again.

Why would you choose either one of them (assuming you have that "choice"...I don't think you do)

They are both bad for you

Singledom for a while is a better choice

In an ideal world, OP would walk away from both as partners because neither of them are, but she says that she won't leave her marriage - and re-started her affair with the OM.

I agree with other posters that both men are bad for her. It's very sad.

Why can't people strive for an "ideal world"

It's not an impossible ask. We have one life, only one. Wrecking that precious time by fucking it up because of men seems a massive shame and waste of precious brainpower

Tell both men you are done with them and go find yourself, OP. There is nothing special or worthy about either of them.

I think Lyingwitch has given very good advice.

Your marriage seems to have come about as a result of a time when you were stressed and vulnerable. Having been a 'church' member (I got out again quickly) I know how the mindset can work; you feel obliged to make things work, you have a responsibility to your children, you don't deserve to be happy...

But what example are you setting your children now? To stay in a situation that is not emotionally healthy and where you are not fulfilled. To settle for 'your dues' because of decisions you made in the past.

Everyone makes mistakes but the best thing to do is to learn from them.

The relationship between you and your husband does not sound as though it can recover. The relationship between you and OM is not likely to ever change. Make a clean break from your husband and either continue to see OM or break off with him too, nurture yourself, and see how you feel about relationships in a year or two.

Leaving a marriage with kids is scary indeed but it sounds like the status quo is not sustainable. I world second the advice to think on what you want s far as you can without contemplating the OM... Think on what you would do if he was not in the picture or ask him for space /a break while you figure it out.

Good luck. Horrid situation.

I haven't disappeared, just thinking all this through. I was prepared for a proper roasting, but you've all been very insightful, and considerate - beyond what I deserve. Strong advice, but good advice - I shouldn't have expected less, I suppose...

I think trying to get some space fro both of them without upending the children too much is necessary. Trying to work out how that might be done. DH doesn't give me a moment's thinking space at home.

But I wanted to say thank you, above all.

Taking this only from what you said in the OP

1. your marriage sounds dead in the water, but there's a chance that could coparent well and probably end up friends

1. the relationship you have with the OM is all smoke and mirrors and won't lead to any happiness for you

If I was in your situation I'd make a break from both and spend some time concentrating on my children, my work and myself - in that order.

I would end the marriage first. Seeing OM every 3-4 months isn't much - it's already back burner -and breaking off both relationships at once might be too overwhelming.

Once you are single and only seeing OM sporadically, it may give you new insight into that relationship. You might realize the "wife blessed" mistress role is all you want or need or you might realize you will take nothing less than 1st chair. I mean, it just seems like once you end the marriage, the OM issue will sort itself out quicker and easier.

There are so many reasons this marriage can't work. Mainly you are invested elsewhere and there's zero chance of improving things until you switch that and decide to try at your marriage.

I think it's unfair to expect your DH to accept any responsibility for your affair and absurd to say that your "tried to end it". Either you are a married woman and you act like it, or you leave.
If his treatment of you is so bad than the answer is to leave, not have an affair.
If it's bad enough for you to justify an affair in your mind then it's bad enough to affect your children. They can't stick their heads in the sand with an affair. They honestly won't thank you for staying together for their sake. They will know things aren't right between you.

Please stop justifying your affair. Either stop it or leave, to me those are the only two options.
I doubt you have enough incentive to leave though, just being the OW. Are you hanging on for him to finally realise how wonderful you are and leave his DW for you?