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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Should I leave him

19 replies

dandjmummy · 23/03/2014 08:47

This is a long story I apologise in advance there's also 2 parts but all relative.
I found out a few days ago that my husband cheated on me with a friend, I had guessed 2 years ago that something had happened but he lied for 2 year and made me think it was all in my head (i was pregnant at the time so very stressful) he also admits he had fancied her for a long time (even before we got together) I'm so heartbroken but more because he lied for so long and made feel I was going mad.
Second part. Along time ago I was sexually attacked and raped which was a very dark time in my life but out if it came my lb so I pulled myself together for him, then not long after having him I met my partner, I have never told any one abt the abuse (I don't know why) but I opened up to his as I trusted him whole heartedly (which I think is a massive thing after what I'd been through) I later found him watching hypnotic porn (woman hypnotised so has no control) this freaked me out due to my past so I explained all this to him an he promised not to do it again (I don't have an issue with normal porn) but I also found on the iPad the other day the hypnoporn he now declares he can't see the problem, he's not sorry he looked just sorry he didn't clear the history, and basically it's my issues so why should he stop. I'm terrified if he enjoys seeing women with no control what if he wants that from me.
We have 3 children now 6,2 and 13wks I'm worried of the impact on them but I can't even look at him, he is going to his mums for a few nights tonight. I just want to know if I'm being over the top and should get over myself

OP posts:

Joysmum · 23/03/2014 08:52

Please, ask for this to be moved to Relationships x

ViviPru · 23/03/2014 08:52

Yes.

bakingaddict · 23/03/2014 08:54

Only you can honestly answer that question nobody else can decide for you.

You have to consider all your options and what are personal deal-breakers for your relationship. Before doing anything hasty could you consider couples counselling? I hope you arrive at a solution that best suits your life and ultimately what fits with your ideal of a healthy happy relationship. No point me telling you what my deal-breakers are, i'm not living your life

HairyGrotter · 23/03/2014 08:55

You are not overreacting, he is a vile manipulator and is not a person you need around your or your children till you get your head together and recognise what an arse he is

Calloh · 23/03/2014 08:56

Leave and be happy.

He cheated, lied, does not seem to consider your feelings important and appears not to show any remorse.

Set yourself free from his shit.

horsetowater · 23/03/2014 08:58

Yes. And tell him that while he's addicted to porn, as with any addiction, he won't be responsible enough to look after children.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2014 08:59

Yes.

Objection · 23/03/2014 08:59

I agree 100% with what Calloh said

tripecity · 23/03/2014 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ICanSeeTheSun · 23/03/2014 09:01

Only you can answer the question, if this was me I would leave the relationship.

Original poster

dandjmummy · 23/03/2014 10:16

Thankyou guys so much I also forgot to mention our 13wk old lg is quite poorly and stops breathing a lot so needs a lot of attention so I'm doing it all I don't think I have time to be fighting for his love when he can't fight for mine, thankyou all again it has certainly given me a lot to think about xx

OP posts:

HannerHet · 23/03/2014 10:22

Poor you, yes I would leave him. The cheating and lying would be a deal breaker for me, never mind everything else on top.

ohfourfoxache · 23/03/2014 11:09

Yes, please leave him. He sounds just absolutely awful dandj

You might want to get this moved to relationships - it sounds like you are in need of support, and it is very clear yanbu x

MNHQ

AmyMumsnet · 23/03/2014 12:04

Hi OP. We've moved this to relationships so you might get a few more responses.

ohfourfoxache · 23/03/2014 12:07

Have you got any rl support?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 23/03/2014 12:13

You poor poor thing. This man is a very negative influence in your life and you and your children will be better of without him. I would be packing his bag right now. Will he leave if you ask? How are you set up financially?

Most important, do you have real life support?

Original poster

dandjmummy · 23/03/2014 15:21

Thankyou we moved away recently to be near his family so no not got a lot of support but I'll be ok thankyou guys xx

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 23/03/2014 16:27

Please lean on mn as much as you need - it's an incredible source of support x

CarryOnDancing · 23/03/2014 16:56

I would also be very concerned about the hypnoporn, that surely has to create a very unhealthy relationship and understanding of sex and control? It's such a contrast to the idea of loving sex. That alone would be a deal breaker for me as I just couldn't mentally connect with someone who got off on that. Then to add in your past which you have confided in him, really is worrying. It's likely he has a porn addiction if he'd rather put his viewing before you.

Even if he didn't know about your past, it's up to you what your boundaries are.

Then we get to the cheating. I would like to believe I'd leave DH instantly if he cheated.

As others have said, it's up to you what your boundaries/deal breakers are so whatever you decide is right as it's best for you.

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