advice needed plz

[newnannan]

hi long story but will try to keep it short, i was adopted and have 2 siblings that were no. over the years there have been lots of things that show the adoption was o my adopted mother making herself look good, ie being introduced as the one we adopted. I have known my birth mother all my life in fact i grew up with her been more of a sister, i was often told i was not wanted by birth mother etc so my relationship with her has been rocky over the years but as a adult i have found out the turth that all this was to stop us having a relationship as my AM was jealous(i think anyway).
as i had children i was often told that BM should be a grandma to the kids but BM was called regularly . My siblings have children and grand children and these are treat like angels.
All of this has been upsetting but what i heard this week has totally upset me and i dont know if i should face AM and have this out.
Basicly i have recently become a nan and i have been taking the grandchild to see her great grandma so thay can get to know each other. my BM and AM see each other regularly too and AM was talking about christmas and told my BM that she was not including my eldest this christmas as now that would be 3 extra people (partner and my grand child and sibling) when my BM told her that was not fair as my children as equal to my siblings children she replied that she adopted me not my children!
i am used to not been treated equaly and my kids also know that their cousins are treated differantly regarding birthdays etc because she is so obvs about it but i dont know how i should be feeling about this i feel going there and having it out with her but she is in her 80s.

i am sorry this has gone on i just wanted to vent really but would be grateful of any avice

Just breathe, in and out, repeat!

She is set in her ways, she won't change and you have to find a way to come to terms with that.

But you are a Nan. Look down the generations and love them, enjoy what you have, rather than hoping for something AM doesn't seem able to give you.

Does that mean that she won't get gifts for them, or won't invite them to her house?

it means that they wont be included when she gives out gifts, i have 4 other children so it will be very obvs that they are not included anymore. I felt bad for my children already because they know they are not treated the same but this is totally hell for me, its like they are not good enough.
nomama.. i am at the stage where i look at my family and think my family are the only ones that are important but over the years my children have been the grand children that have visited her most days and did have a close relationship with her the other ones never really visited and when they did they made a point of asking for money etc.
Why cant we just be good enough

I wish I could answer that.

xx

If that is the case, I wouldn't show up and organise Christmas at my place.

What a sad situation. How awful to be so badly treated. It's all very unpleasant and your AM must have negatively affected your self esteem over a long long period of time.

Sad though it is I think you need to somehow start to step further away from her if she cannot understand what she is going wrong. Given her age I think that she is unlikely to change her views. I'm not sure it's worth talking with her directly but you will know better than I how that conversation might go. Is it potentially worth another family member talking with her?

Have you read the book Toxic Parents OP?

Although Christmas is a long time away, I might actually wait until then and ask her about it.
She could have changed her mind till then.

And this was via your BM. She could be stirring trouble or might not have understand what your AM said correctly.

I agree that this is her, not you, and therefore you can't change her. It sounds as though she needs to create scapegoats.

I would distance myself, look after all of my family and stop the cycle of scapegoating.

I'm not too sure why these two women are already discussing Christmas, in March, other than as a tool of control.