When a toxic parent dies

[Whyaremyfeetsofat]

Long time lurker here, trying to make sense of the muddle in my head.

My mother died very suddenly last Sunday - literally dropped dead as she was getting ready to go out.

We weren't NC but we were mostly estranged due to a lifetime of EA. She lived in another country and I hadn't seen her for 2 years as she wasn't able to come to the UK (ill partner) and I made no effort to visit her as I didn't want to spend time with her. We spoke only occasionally, again due to my reluctance to engage with her. I wasn't strong enough to go NC as there wasn't anything big enough to justify it.

I don't know how I feel, I keep crying in little bursts but not sure why. It's been nearly a week and haven't yet had a single moment of feeling sad or bereft, it's just shock and maybe a tiny bit of relief. A colleague sent me flowers and I felt a total fraud, she's trying to sympathise but it's not a normal 'devastated at the loss of a parent ' situation.

Due to legalities, her memorial service (in lieu of funeral) isn't likely to happen for another couple of weeks, and I don't know whether to go. I won't get any comfort or closure, and it'll be a lovely opportunity for various family members to point out what a total failure of a daughter I was (she was a classic narc, and very plausible when telling people how she tried so hard but I was just cold and horrid to her for no reason). I can't shake the feeling of obligation, as if by not going I'd be embarrassing her which is just completely irrational.

I've talked it over with DH and he'll support whatever I do. If I don't go my brother won't forgive me which means that relationship is over - but due to differing views on mother we've barely spoken for several years anyway, and I'm not sure that having him back in my life would be positive for me. I feel guilty though, like I'm letting him down and being very selfish.

No point to this really, not even sure why I'm posting - maybe to give poor DH a break!

this is the time when you should be thinking of yourself. you, your relationship with her, and her nature.

in the circumstances it's not surprising you're feeling almsot untouched by the common feelings of grief. They may hit later or they may not, this may be it. Maybe you'll grieve for what should have been, a loving mother instead of the deceptive and unloving one you had.

About going to the funeral, how do you think you will feel looking back in 15 years' time if you don't go? I personally believe it's important to say goodbye at the funeral when someone dies, whether it's love or relief you feel. But different people are different! If you try to take the long view and consider if you'll regret not going, or not, then that might help make the right decision for you for the long term. Also, how valuable is your relationship with your brother in the long term? it sounds like he maybe did not see her emotional games or else that they still hold him in thrall. Will her death release that strain between you, or will it continue?

As a poster said, be kind to yourself. I hope that you can move ahead with your lovely DH without lingering ill effects from her EA.

I would not go to my toxic mothers funeral. I couldn't sit there and listen to all the hypocrisy about what a wonderful human/mother she was. It would make me vomit.

Whatever you decide, make sure it is the decision that gives you the most peace. You deserve it.

Can totally empathise with your situation OP, and my parents are still here, but hate the idea of going through the whole funeral part where we all play happy families.

Do what feels right for you! The older I get and the more I deal with the craziness in my family, I realise how important my own mental health is, look after yourself I'm sure you have many confusing emotions at the moment. Virtual hugs

You don't need to go to the funeral. If you ever want to go and see her you can visit where she is buried on your own.

That is a good point that Millyblods makes I considered that too. Just don't feel pressured into anything. In our situation my brother had the same issues as me but pretended we had a normal father. He's found the situation so stressful he had a breakdown. There are still legal issues going on and he'll need therapy until it's over. That's another reason I wanted to avoid the funeral due to fights over the will. So, neither of us were required to speak. Our uncle, dad's bil did it, he's a very religious man, who knew him all his life and was apparently very diplomatic, is there someone like that in your family?

My DM was NC with our abusive grandmother for many years but opted to go to the funeral because she felt it was 'the right thing' for her to do. She got a hard time when she went from other relatives but my (imposing and protective!) DB went along and supported her so the nastiness was kept to a minimum. Even though it was traumatic, therefore, she feels content in herself for taking the moral high ground and some comfort from the fact that she observed the ritual.

I relate this story not in order to say 'you must go' but to echo what others are saying which is that you must disregard everything and everyone else & do whatever you think is appropriate for your peace of mind.

I would consider going to the service so that non attendance does not become the rock around your neck for years. No need to speak. I would use the service to mourn for the mother that you never had and to try to find yourself some closure.

Another one here who lost a parent in similar circumstances, I had been NC for 15 years. I did go to the funeral but only as closure for me.

In your circumstances if you're not sure whether to attend, I would err on the side of going but telling yourself you can leave at any time. Otherwise whilst the memorial's taking place you'll probably be upset and have all these thoughts swirling around your head anyway so it's not like you'll be enjoying a normal day regardless.

Having said that if you can feel sure about not wanting to go, then don't feel any pressure to, grief is a very personal thing and you have to handle it in the way that's best for you.

Along with Millyblods, you could even have your own private memorial service for her at the place/time/format of your choosing. Imho, society believes in the one funeral/burial/reception event...And then carries on done and dusted. We know it is not that simplistic emotionally. I believe an individual can choose how best to deal/cope with the death for themselves. If the public show of grief is expected, I would feel very uncomfortable enduring the expectation of presenting a performance to rate others satisfaction, iyswim.

...But if travel overseas is cost prohibitive may be an acceptable explanation to the relatives.

On the other hand, If you did decide to go, I would consider attending the service, but skipping the reception afterward. Going would happen as a decision to do what you think you should do regarding your check list of "duty" that would be a part of the character traits of who you are. That would have nothing at all to do with your mother, paying respects, etc.

But far above all of that, the most important consideration is your mental health. If it will trigger too much for you to conceivably cope with, then it is all just too much for you at this time. I agree with others to protect yourself. And you do not owe anyone an explanation.

Dear OP

I feel for you OP. I have an elderly toxic father and am minimalC with my sis and step sis. Also had the funeral of my step mum probably 10 years ago now. I too live in a different country.

My advice is:

Go to the memorial service if you can as you will get closure and you can't therefore have the label of "she didnt even go to the funeral/memorial". Get in touch with the vicar/priest beforehand and explain that you need his/her support and advice. I am sure they have come across this many times before and they should and ought to be able to support you. I realise this may be harder if it is in another country.

You absolutely do not need to go to the wake afterwards. Nor is there any need for you to leave from your mother's house, which as it is a memorial there is probably no plan to do anyway. You can go direct to the church.

You can ask the vicar to speak and you should not at all have to speak at the funeral.

Rehearse a confident "greeting" with people. eg hold out your hand and shake their hand and say "hello thanks for coming/how are you keeping?" and "thanks. Just moving on now as I need some time alone now you understand" "I have decided I am paying my respects as part of the service only, as to do both that and the wake is too upsetting"

It is difficult. Be proud, do your best for you then let us know for future advice for us. Hugs.

Similar circumstances here too: very difficult narc/BPD mother, NC for 5 years before she died, sudden death with exceptionally complex/difficult surrounding circumstances.

I was relieved when I heard she'd died, rather than sad, as I had already faced up to and grieved not having a supportive, nurturing mother several years before. I was absolutely dreading seeing my mother's friends at the funeral and getting an earful, also having to sit through talks where everyone would say how wonderful she was (VERY different public persona).

As it turned out for reasons I can't go into here, we never had a funeral. Whilst others here say you don't have to go and are right that grief is a process, not a one off event, I firmly believe I would have been able to move on more quickly if there HAD been a funeral or memorial. In your shoes, I would go - but limit my involvement and take a supportive friend who knows your situation, as others have suggested.

It's OK to feel however you feel, though other people's reactions and expectations can be hard to manage, particularly if they are of the random hugger 'poor you, you must be devastated' (subtext: because I would be) variety. Basically they mean well & lack the imagination to understand that other people have different lives. No need for you to feel guilty about it, though.

Final thought: i had assumed my relationship with my sibling would improve without my mum on the scene. It didn't - it just opened up a whole host of new grievances and resentments. If that happens, don't be afraid to assert yourself and put your needs first. You need to be kind to yourself at this time. Take care.