Really bad sex, considering divorce

[Feathers1981]

I'll try to make this short!

My husband is a wonderful father and all aspects of our relationship are pretty perfect-apart from sex. Which is beyond terrible. It's never been earth shattering but at times it's been ok. But now it's so bad I just can't bear it.

We have different sex drives (mine high and his low) which I can cope with. But He never initiates sex. To prove this I stopped initiating and we went 3 months without sex. I've had several bouts of feeling very down as I've made a move and it's just gone over his head (for example even getting in shower with him, which we used to do, him getting hard and then getting out and getting dressed and walking off). Discussed this and he said looked shocked and said he wasn't sure why he'd done that (or the other examples I gave him). So I end up feeling rejected. He had ED for a year and a half 4 years ago or so and then for the last year PE...but ED also makes an appearance now and then. He never brings me to orgasm before him, so after his two minutes he then might start on me (I've started to get so annoyed by this that I just push him away and give him a cuddle instead). There are no health issues and doc given all clear. I've spoken to him about this and we both know the ED is caused by things in his head I.e he worries it will happen so it does.

I've tried not putting him under pressure, being reassuring, faking it anything to make him feel better about himself but I am at the end of my tether. I'm so frustrated. I just want to have sex with my husband and enjoy it. I'm sick of only foreplay and two mins of sex. I can't relax now as if we do have sex it's so disappointing.

Sex is important to me. I can't live like this forever but can't stand thought of only having joint custody of DS and do love DH and would like to make it work. But no idea how. We have an open dialogue about this now as I told him I was thinking of leaving a little while ago when I was feeling massively rejected. So he knows how bad it is. We are talking about but basically on top of the above he's just pretty bad in bed. I've tried showing him or dropping hints but I don't know what to do now to make things better.

I really want my marriage to work and Desperate for any ideas please. We've tried nights away etc, sexy board games (yes really!)

CRESTAR

I wasn't aware I had one, what do you think it is?

If the genders were reversed, we'd be asking whether the man was pulling his weight around the home and carrying his share of the mental load.

What is the reverse of this?

It never seems to be an issue when the woman wants more sex.

Sorry I really cant give you an answer, there are so many considerations actions that need to be weighed up.
I would say that if you don't sort this out, your resentment and frustration will only increase, amaging for yourself and your relationship.

I’d be interested to know how the OP got on too

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/a3741162-Don-t-know-how-to-talk-to-children-about-separation?msg_id=91506933#91506933

The problem is the OP's DH doesn't see it as a problem he is quite happy with his sex life, the OP isn't.
As he is quite happy he doesn't see the urgency/necessity to do anything about it.
I hate to say it (having been in a virtually sexless marriage) if he is not prepared to make a huge effort in that department what does that say about how he feels about his wife.
I think this situation is so very sad, but this sort of "incompatability" is very distructive to a relationship.

"If the genders were reversed..."

Does anybody ever make it past these words to read the rest of the dull post?

Does anybody ever make it past these words to read the rest of the dull post?

Whether you agree with the statement or not Silvergreen, it is true.

She -

A) Needs to stop being a sex pest - don't you know it's a turn off?
B) Do more to help around the house
C) Let her relax more by giving her days and nights off (even if he works 150 hours a week)
D) By denying her needs, he's controlling and abusive.
E) He's having an affair
F) He watches porn
G) He can't get off on having sex her because he has developed a death grip

@Silvergreen

I think it is fair enough, especially on Mns where there seems to be a different set off answers depending on gender.
I have no qualms with ppl having a certain view on a subject but to change it cause it is a female rather than a man doing is ridiculous.
I think its right that ppl are called up on their hypocrisy and prejudice.
Its a shame that you would rather seek to dismiss the point becuse it may show up your own hatred rather than see allows ppl to confront their prejudices and gain a better understanding.

I ended a relationship over this. We just felt like friends and it destroyed my self confidence completely. I am now married to someone who has the same level of sex drive as me almost six years in and am very happy. I say the same to men who come on here, unless there is an obvious reason for a temporary lack of sex e.g. new baby, illness. But this has clearly been ongoing for you for quite some time.

No one has the right to demand sex from someone who doesn't want it, but equally a lot of people won't settle long term for a sexless or near sexless marriage. It works fine if both parties are happy, but when one isn't that small part of the relationship becomes a major issue. The one who doesn't want sex feels pressured and the one who does feels rejected.

You have tried talking to him, it is really up to you whether you can live like this long term. To people who aren't as into sex they may be able to deal with it, but to those who are into it and who see it as important, it isn't going to work

I left an ex due to terrible sex life and lack of affection. It started ok but deteriorated after a couple of years. It was just like living with a friend. He rejected my advances and just wasn't interested. He was devastated when we split but he just didn't get why I was unhappy despite many conversations. We didn't have the added issue of kids though, so I'm not sure how things would have been if we did. It's a difficult situation. If you really don't want to split up then perhaps specialist therapy is a good shout.