I think my xDP might be a psychopath or something?

[laurenlovely]

I am sorry if this is long I will try and make it as short as possible and can fill in more detail later if needed. Please would anyone be able to give me some opinions on the crazy change in behaviour of my xDP. I think there’s a chance he might have some sort of serious mental health issues and was wondering what the people here think.

We had a very good relationship, no problems I was aware of, happy home and no drama in our lives.

Throughout the relationship he was the “perfect” man. Nothing was too much trouble, he was really in love with me, treated me so well, huge romantic gestures all the time, was a great stepdad to my kids and just seemed to do everything right. Nothing at all amiss in the relationship, he seemed like Price Charming. My friends and family loved him, my kids loved him, everyone kept telling me I’d found a keeper and never to let him go.

Then 8 months ago he very developed severe depression after the death of his Dad and he changed. Came on very suddenly over a month. He, never went out, he became angry and snappy, he could not get out of bed and in the end he said he needed to be alone and moved out after giving me only 24 hours notice that he'd decided to do this. I was upset, but his depression seemed really severe to the point I was worried he would kill himself so I was supportive.

His depression had all the symptoms you usually expect from what you read about it but he was also quite an angry and started to say and do nasty things for seemingly no reason other than spite or lashing out. He became irrational too, once picking a fight with me over him needing to change travel plans 2 years ago due to my Nan having a stroke. It was really odd and nothing like the docile person he was before.

For six months now I have been helping him financially, talking to him every day, holding his hand when he felt really depressed, supporting him emotionally, driving him to docs appointments, doing his ironing, cleaning his flat and looking after him in general.

All this time he has been attributing his mean behaviour to being depressed and he has said he loves me but was really struggling to cope with life and that me standing by him was keeping him going. He kept saying he couldn't cope with a full blown relationship in his state but he was asking me to wait until he got better because he did not want to lose me.

Then at the weekend, I went on a night out with a mutual friend and some wine got flowing and her lips got loose. She told me that behind my back he has been telling friends he left me because I was a compulsive spender and we had been arguing and having problems. This is all completely not true. He was the compulsive spender and I was always trying to reign him in. He also has been saying behind my back that we are never getting back together, that he is not depressed and that he only stays in contact with me because I am upset and finding it hard to move on.

I was really angry and showed her his messages on my phone which confirmed my story and she was shocked. Because he is known as Mr Nice Guy and he is so well thought of by everyone we know my friend confessed that most people we know think I was “making up the depression” to make myself feel better about being dumped. I am apparently being called a bunny boiler behind my back :)

I then checked the credit card statement and saw that he joined up on match.com and plenty more fish less than a week after leaving me with his “depression” and needing to be alone.

I then turned super sleuth and checked his phone and computer and found out he's put photos of us having sex on the internet on a website used to pick up women for casual sex.

I confronted him about all this last night (I had all the evidence printed off) and he denied it first, then said he didn't have to justify himself to me. I said to him that I'd been taking care of him and he'd been begging me to wait for him and he said that he didn't want to be with me and me checking up on him proves that I am a psycho stalker. He had no remorse or guilt at all over any of it.

I feel really bamboozled. He has the whole world believing lies about me. I could easily send evidence round to show he is a liar, but this seems immature and embarrassing. I can’t stress enough how well this guy is thought of by friends and family. He even had me fooled and I lived with him.

Is he just severely depressed, or is this man a psychopath or something more serious?

Also, what should I do? Walk away?

I feel funny even saying this because up until now I completely believed he was a great guy with no faults. His lies haven't been small ones it's more like he says the opposite of the truth and I feel a bit scared of him.

Did he appear to be a really nice person though before he turned on you?

My ex was the type who would be the designated driver. Fix the bikes of the kids on the street. If my friends had man trouble they came to him for advice. He was considered to be the village yoda or something and everyone loved him.

I know it was only three years but he lived round the corner from me for years and I've known a few of his exes and there was no bad stories about him going round. I'd never heard him slag anyone off before or seen him behave like this before.

I do know he was unfaithful to his ex and had a weird internet history but he'd told me this was because his long term ex was not into sex and gave him no affection and he was lonely so he made me feel sort of sorry for him instead of thinking he was an arse. He was clever with words and always had a face like an abused puppy.

Looking back I was stupid and if someone is capable of being deceptive with one woman they are capable of doing it with anyone. The thing was he voluntarily told me about this and he said he was telling me because with me everything was different and he wanted me to know everything about him.

None of it really adds up, but then I suppose he must have had a streak underneath and it just snapped and came out when enough pressure was applied

His behaviour is unusual.

Yes everyone thought he was fantastic.

As someone said up thread, it is all black and white, he loves you or hates you, that includes his own children.

Don't feel bad for being stupid, I don't, I was very young when I met him, and was with him for over ten years. The next victim had a social psychology degree and was in her early thirties, she was fooled, so he must have been good.

Just say away from him, you are his play thing. My ex used to have hatred for certain people and would spend years trying to destroy them, I have been his person, he can't do that to me anymore, he will need a new victim to hate and destroy now.

Thanks Khloe. That makes me feel a lot better.

You really do have to keep you and your children safe and cut every thing to do with him.

I like the comment someone else made, tell people he is not what he seems and say no more.

Honestly...people keep saying this to me in real life. Believe me...I have see absolutely sick images of me posted on the internet to pick up other women, and I have read with my own eyes lies that he has said about me to make me look bad and I have experienced him talking to me like dirt. I really don't want any contact at all with him and there's no chance at all of him worming back into my life. I have kids to think about. Never would I let that evil bast**r across my threshold again. I just don;t want to end up screwed up in my head forever because of all this.

I agree with the comment to tell people he is not what he seems.

I can top trump you, I was lied about in a court of law and nearly lost residency of my children over his lies. His lies meant that I struggled to get health care for us. Let it go.

Some people are just very narcissistic AND very machievellian, so they will go to great lengths to get what they want. If they are very nice to you, even for a protracted period of time, it's because it suits their needs at the time or in future. Not because they care about you. And it will stop suddenly as soon as the effort=reward equation has changed for them. A lack of empathy means they won't give a damn how the sudden change in their behaviour effects you.

Clearly he's moved on (and it suits him to paint himself in a very different light to your mutual friends and acquaintances).

The best thing you can do is shut him out of your life and move on too. The more you can completely block him out, the better for you. It'll also piss him off more than any kind of ongoing contact (positive or negative). Narcissists can't really cope with being completely ignored, it's so at odds with what their egos need. A good case for absolutely no contact, blocking on your facebook page, even stopping dead any conversation with mutual acquaintances, "I prefer not to talk about him" so there is nothing to get back to him, you are not thinking of him, talking of him...you're not interested. Full stop.

BTW trying to get everyone to know the truth will probably just frustrate you and distress you more. He sounds like an A+ schemer and they only way to beat this is by dignified silence.

I would however, have a word with the police regarding the misuse of your explicit images. Even a quiet word with him might stoo him doing anything else with them, after all he won't want the fuss/damage to his "reputation".

lauren you are a nice person and he isn't. If you try and work out what was going on in his head, you will drive yourself mad and get nowhere. You have to accept that there are some sick fuckers out there and never in a million years can you work out what was going on and why.

What is normal to you and other normal and nice people just does not apply to them because they do not have empathy, sympathy or understanding - it is all about them and no one else. This man is incapable of true and proper feelings for another human being.

He is not worth your brain power because it will just get to you trying to understand this. Hold your head up high, do NOT do yourself down over this (you made a mistake and hey.. lots of others do too!) and thank your lucky stars you escaped. Do not enter into drawn out discussions with anyone about him because it will just mean you go over and over it in your head and it will take longer to let it all go. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you!

Op I get what you are saying about how the person you loved most in all your years has turned out to be a sham. A similar thing happened to me when I met if not a sociopath, a deeply disordered person. You are doing brilliantly. This will change you, but in that it will make you stronger even though there will be a lot to sift through and deal with.

Thanks Springheeled. It really does make me feel a little better to know other people might have been in the same position. I know it will change me, it feels very uncomfortable but I do also think maybe before I was a walking advert for someone like this. Too trusting, too innocent, always overlooking little signs. I hope it doesn't push me too far the other way though!

As soon as I read the bit about him telling other people lies and making you look like you are a bunny boiler I immediately thought - narcissist - he has the mask with them all, you have seen behind it. walk away.

Show a few friends the texts, the websites ones you trust, their judgement. His mask will slip again. i think your friend must have suspected for her to raise it with you.

dont ever put yourself down for being trusting OP

you did the right thing by somone who you thought was ill.

when you found out he wasnt you stopped caring.

you sound pretty sensible, logical and protective of your kids.

just remember he has all those other people fooled, but not you.

Ive just read a novel about a similar kind of guy, its called 'You should have known' by Jean Hanff Korelitz, I'd say you would find it very interesting.

I'm sorry for you Op but as another pp says, thankfully you don't have kids with this man. I do with my ex and I will have ongoing contact for another 10 years. He has lied to everyone on his side about me, plays horrid games with my DC. I don't think he is a psychopath but very calculating and manipulative. Nobody likes him and that was a big red flag that I didn't see. So don't blame yourself - when you are a trusting individual it is very difficult to see through a façade.

Thanks again all of you. I am going for a counselling session today to talk all this through just to get it all off my chest with someone in real life. I'm going to be fine -I know that - and I know in the long run it is better to break up with someone who turned out to be a nightmare than to lose someone who was wonderful.

I don't want to have any permanent damage left to me so would prefer to deal with whatever trust issues this has raised in a healthy way now rather than in a messier way later on.

It's a really big comfort to my mind to know others have been sucked in by bad people before. I always thought I was a human lie detector.

My last contact with my ex is happening today. He is dropping off my things and taking his, he is also signing various papers to separate our finances. I'm not feeling worried or nervous about it and I have let the neighbour know he is coming and she says she will keep an eye out. Not that I am expecting trouble. As far as it seems he is scared of me right now. He knows I have exposed him and he hates it. I will handle it quickly and with dignity and after that will never see him again.

I had a lucky escape, there's no question about that.

Please let us know when he has left and that you are ok.

See you you getting all that sorted today, you really have got your head screwed on Lauren youve done the right thing. Take Care.

Thanks whyisthishappenning, I will let you know.

Thanks andsmile, I thought if I left it for a week ro two it would be hanging over me and this way it's all over and I never have to see his sick face again.

I did contemplate actually pulling out all the print offs and making him face his own lies, but then after reading what you have all written here I know it would be pointless because all I am hoping for is remorse and an apology or explanation which will never come.

I did investigate a bit more into things, and noticed a few more bad lies. For example, in December he told me he was going away on a business conference for a few days and he made the whole thing up. He was at home, on the internet, surfing sex dating sites all night for those few days he was "away".

Remembering back...his story about this was SO convincing, he was even complaining about the traffic and the hotel room.

It's not as if he had a date or was meeting another woman. He created this lie simply to stay at home and internet surf. Why on earth he made up that lie I will never understand. He could have just said he wanted a few days alone...we were separated...it's like lying for the sake of it.

I insist you plan a few treats for yourself and invite your friends round at the weekend have a big girls night in...you deserve it because you nice and dencent and he is a wank splash.

Lauren these sort of people tell such convincing lies they actually believe it themselves. You were and are quite right not to confront him on this, it will get you nowhere and only mess your head up, and allow him to heap on even more lies if that is possible.

Well done you for moving away from this and hopefully you will be able to move on from it and enjoy your life knowing you are a kind rational honest person and he isn't.

Thanks all, andsmile, I just want a weekend this weekend of peace and quiet and no drama with the kids, but I will have a girls night in soon. My friends have been great, I'm really lucky on that front.

Thank you Rousette.

He came round and it was not as I expected. He was white as a sheet, looked petrified, and his eyes were all red from crying. I didn't ask him any questions but he said he wanted me to know he was sorry. He admitted to everything.

He said his brain was a mess, he was very depressed and at the time he did those things he was drinking heavily and very angry. I asked why he was angry at me, and he said he wasn't. Just angry at the world.

I thanked him for the apology and told him to look after himself. Didn't seem much point in anything else. I have all my stuff, the papers are signed. I don't have to see him again.