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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone else who got pregnant early on in a relationship?

18 replies

happyally · 16/08/2006 13:19

Hi, new to MN but have been reading the talkboards and people seem really helpful, and there's not many people I can talk freely to about this stuff, but:
I got pregnant (by accident. bloody condoms! altho love being a mum now, wouldn't swap it.)after going put with my bf for two months. I am young (23) and he is older (33). When we started going out the age gap didn't bother us at all and we do have loads in common and get on well. Our DD is 7mnths now, healthy and happy and I feel like, as parents, we agree on all the important day to day stuff (childcare, food, education etc), but the differences are beginning to show up between us as individuals...I am ambitious, and I'd love to live in a big, vibrant city, he's love to live in a village in Devon, doesn't really care about jobs/careers etc. I am really social, he resents me going out and doesn't want to come with me...it's really getting me down. When I found out I was PG, We decided to stay together for our dd and there is no way I'd want to stop her seeing him, he's a brilliant dad, but I'm not sure how much longer I can stay with him without getting really, really depressed. Anyon else been in a similar situation? Should I shut up and stop moaning?

OP posts:

Thomcat · 16/08/2006 13:23

No advice but just wanted to say you are deffo not moaning and do need to talk about this and come to a decision, which will either be to work it out with DP and come to a happy comprise or you have to leave for your own sanity and ultimatley the happiness of you all, your DD inc.
Talk to him first, if not already done so.
Tell him you are unhappy, want to stay with him but need to comprise on certain things and reach a happy medium.

Good luck.

chestnutty · 16/08/2006 13:39

Similar to you happyally. Pg after 3 months together. now been married for 16 years( got married 3 months before dd1 was born)
Its been difficult at times but we still love each other and now dds are 15 and 13 are starting to have some couple time together. -going places etc.

Original poster

happyally · 16/08/2006 13:41

Thanks Thomcat. It's just difficult because I know, really, that I shouldn't be with him because he doesn't make me properly happy, but when there's a child involved making a decision based on just my happiness (but probably everyone's, in the long run) seems very selfish.
Also I have no idea what I would do financially, but I hate being dependent on him, I just feel bad all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

happyally · 16/08/2006 13:44

Cool, Chestnutty, sounds like it worked out for you! It does just put massive pressure on a relationship that's so new. Plus, difficult to get to know each other what with me being so hormonal for the majority of our relationship.!

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Pinotmum · 16/08/2006 13:50

I was pregnant within 2 months of meeting my now DH. We have been married 6 yrs now and generally everythings fine and dandy. We have 2 children and have very similar views on raising them, education, discipline etc. We can also talk to each other though he is very work absorbed and ambitious and sometimes I feel ignored but this is one of the qualities I find attractive in him so I try to get it in persepctive. Of course there are things we disagree on but for most of the time we are happy and try to compromise. I think you need to speak to your partner about how you feel.

chestnutty · 16/08/2006 13:54

Was strange early on as for the first 3 years I was either pg or breastfeeding. 2dd in 2 years.
Supportive parents and in laws helped a lot.
Happyally, It can work but doesn't always just like any relationship.

Pinotmum · 16/08/2006 13:57

Similr to Chestnutty in that we had 2 children 2 yrs apart so first few years there was alot of bed sharing with babies/toddlers. We also got married 2 months before first baby was born. Haven't found his parents so supportive tough but tht's a whole other thread!

Original poster

happyally · 16/08/2006 20:05

Hey - thanks for your posts. Am going to have 'chat' with him later (hoping doesn't just become a blazing row!) - but thanks for your support. MN is indeed very supportive and lovely!

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KathH · 16/08/2006 21:14

Got pg with dd1 after about 4 months. She's now 13, still together, have another dd & 2ds. Have our moments now & again when I could quite happily leave or murder him but (& I guess he's the same) but I guess you get that whatever your circumstances!

Original poster

happyally · 16/08/2006 21:27

Well, tried to have a chat with him (we have talked fairly recently about all this,) but he remains convinced that I am just depressed at the mo, cos I'm not working or driving and we've moved somewhere I don't know many people...so I'm just being negative. I can see his point, but I think it is more than that: we want different things. But I guess that I need to give it time, relationships are about compromises a lot of the time, and at the moment I really don't have much alternative. I'd have to move in with my parents, and that'd be pretty challenging in itself. But I think I'm just staying so that he knows I've given it a go...is that wrong??

OP posts:

Original poster

happyally · 16/08/2006 21:29

also, when I started talking to him he became convinced that I was 'seeing someone else'. Where, exactly, I wonder, does he imagine? And when?? Londis, during naptime???? Men! It's always about sex!

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chestnutty · 17/08/2006 14:30

Thats how we are all mums, happyallyy . .sex.
Congrats for talking to him about it. He seems quite reasonable from your brief account apart from the affair bit.
You say your not driving. Is it cos you can't drive or don't have access to a car?
Do you go to any baby or toddler groups. I used to go to loads when dds were little.
Having a young child can be very isolating if you let it.I know babies need lots of your time but try to do things you enjoy as well.

acnebride · 17/08/2006 14:40

hi happyally, i was up the duff within 4 weeks of meeting dh, but there you go. in our case we were and are at very similar life stages - i think your different needs are really not much to do with getting pregnant so early.

I would say that relationship counselling is what you need. personally. Although I post that a lot. You certainly sound unhappy and that could be for lots of reasons, but it sounds like he's not really hearing what you're saying or wanting to hear at the moment, because he just hears 'she's not happy - either that means I have to move somewhere i don't want to, or she's playing away'. I think you could do with a sympathetic neutral to help you communicate a bit differently.

But his reasoning is funny - you're 'just depressed' because you've moved somewhere you weren't too keen on, have a young child and don't know many people, and because 'you're depressed' threfore your opinions are not valid? Very odd.

But don't throw all this in his face if you can avoid it - say 'have you got a minute? - I'm feeling unhappy and every time I talk about it I feel like we don't get to the heart of the problem - I'd like to get somebody to help us'. Or something like that. He presumably is quite happy with the situation and is fearing change.

another long rambling post from me. probably obvious, sorry.

QueenEagle · 17/08/2006 14:53

I fell pregnant 7 months after meeting my now dh. We married 4 months before he was born. I already had 3 kids and we went on to have another 2 years later. We have just celebrated 5 years together(4 married).

I found that several months after I'd had our last baby I started finding fault with pretty much everything dh did. Much of it was justified as we are very different in many ways and dh found it hard going from single bloke to married with 5 kids within a very short space of time! It was only when the excitement of getting married, being pregnant, then giving birth x2 had all worn off that all this became noticeable.

I think the key is having your own space and identities and hobbies/interests yet still having enough in common to keep you together. If you don't have this common element then I think the time has come to seriously consider whether it is worth continuing your relationship as a couple. Maybe Relate counselling would be beneficial?

Original poster

happyally · 18/08/2006 10:02

Hey, thanks for your advice acnebride and queeneagle. I think I would like some couselling at some point, I don't really know where you go for that, I don't think it's specifically PND, so would it be available on the NHS? Am really poor, so otherwise would struggle...
I can really relate to what you were saying, Queeneagle, about how once the 'excitement' wears off a bit you notice differences more, I just keep thinking that a year and a half ago I was living a totally different life: single, hectic social life, job that kept me really busy, training six days a week for rowing, competing - and now am living with my dp being a stay at home mum! I think it's the sudden change that is getting me down rather than him or the relationship so much.
He is very reasonable, but he lived with a girl before me for a long time, and she hurt him quite badly, and I think that has coloured how he sees things a bit, which is understandable.
I do go to a couple of mother and baby things and have met some nice people, but I've found it quite hard to go from just chatting about baby stuff to being actual friends. I think it's cos a lot of them are quite a bit older and we just don't seem to have very much in common.
I think he just meant that I was being uneccessarily negative because I am down at the moment - we do have our differences but also get on well, and we do have things in common.

I did have a car - then someone drove into it, and then off again, and my cheapy insurance wouldn't cover it, so had to say goodbye to it.
Bummer!

OP posts:

acnebride · 18/08/2006 19:58

re counselling, if it's for you then start with your gP - they may have a counsellor in the practice, if not there should be some sort fo local service although as ever there may be a waiting list. Whether or not you've been diagnosed with PND shouldn't be an issue.

for counselling as a couple? - you could also ask your GP or go straight to Relate in the phone book. they do charge but it should be income-related so at least find out.

Glassofwine · 18/08/2006 21:06

Happyally - I got pg within 9 months of meeting now DH and then went on to have another 2 children in the next two years - so it was full on. Now we've been together for nearly 9 years and very happy, we have our moments, but mostly good ones. What I wanted to say to you though is that with regard to counselling and cost, a lot of trainee counsellors don't charge very much. My mum is in that line and I know that low cost can mean as little as £5.

Talk to him

shanaz · 19/08/2006 00:41

i got preg after 4 weeks, 2 years on we have a lovely 2 year old daughter and a newborn son who is a month old. we had to give the relationship a go for the sake of our child, and we are still going strong and love eachother.

we have a lovely family life, and this is the guy i used to despise at work and felt like strangling whenever he asked me to do nething!!!

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